I am not in love, but i love the idea of being in love only it’s a luxury i can’t afford. Everyday i wonder what if things had been different. What if i was not me? It’s crazy, because i like myself and it’s hard to imagine myself differently. Fortunately i have people who take me like I’m, but what if they had got a better version of me? Often, when i meet someone new i ask myself what if i was that person….?
This morning i woke up to a dream that felt so right, despite being nothing but bits and pieces of things i wish could happen. It’s like my subconscious made a scrapbook of all my hopes, wishes and imagination stored inside and presented me with a happy world, even if it was for couple of minutes. Problem with a happy dream is that i really can’t share it with anyone, but it’s ok because for a brief second there i felt like living a world i always wanted to live in. Also, the hangover of a happy dream made me believe in the word “Maybe”, even though i know dreams don’t come true. It’s just a line we use to complete a song lyric or poem, they never come true…!!!
If i could add a background song to my dream, it would have been Rihanna’s “we found love” or Brandi Carlile’s “The Story”…!!!
Let me smile for you when it hurts,
Let me cry for you when it hurts,
Let me hang around when you are busy,
Let me stand by you when you don’t need me,
Let me sing for you when life seems still,
Let me paint for you when you see nothing but blue,
Let me be your diary when your heart is heavy,
Let me be your loneliness when you need to be on your own,
Let me break your fall when you lose control,
Let me gift you all the happiness,
Let me take all the doubts and pain,
Let me be the candle in room when you pray for the sunshine,
Let me be the hand you hold on to when scared of falling,
Let me be the pillow you bury your face into when in tears,
Let me be the punching bag you need to take out the anger,
Let me be the show piece in the room you can’t do without,
Let me be the memories you love to go back to,
Let me be there for you,
Let me live for you, with you…!!!!!!!!!!
Ek kagaz ka panna hun main,
Kabhi khali to kabhi
Syayiyo ka dana bana hun main,
Kabhi ankhein nam hoke
jhalakti hai mujpe,
To kabhi pyar bhare akshar
baraste hai mujpe,
Kahi kono mein giri,
Kahi dil se judi
jindagi hai meri,
Bejuban par phir bhi
baton bari duniya hai meri,
Kalam lade kabhi
to kabhi khele mujse,
Syayi bhi puche sawal mujse,
Maine dekhe kitne toote dil
dekhi maine kitni haari manzil,
Na dekha kisine mera chehra
na pada kisine dard gehra,
Safar mein saath mera sab chod jaye,
Badle mausam to mera namonishan
mitta diya jaye,
Kagaz ki kashti banaye
to kabhi kagaz par duniya basaye,
Kagaz jo sardi mein raakh ban
jal jal saath nibhaye,
To kabhi dhul par biche aur
sihasan ban jaaye,
Ek kagaz ka pana hun main,
Kabhi khali to kabhi
syayiyo ka dana bana hun main.
Life is still the same; i still end up having dreams that trouble me for days. But there is something about 2012 that is making me hopeful. I don’t know why but i just can’t wait for 2012 to start. Am hopelessly in love with the feeling that 2012 is going to be good… Maybe am too desperate to get out of 2011 or maybe it’s just the hangover of a great 31st December… whatever it is, right now i can’t stop feeling great about being alive, having loved ones who love me and friends who take me unconditionally.
2011 wasn’t a bad year; there were some good days too. But, the whole changes clouded it overall. It’s the year that turned me back to what i was in 2006, it’s the year that brought back the dreams. But, then it’s also the year, when i realized what an amazing life i have lived in past 4 years. It’s the year that made me realize the importance of people in my life and it’s the year i realized i have so many happy stories, to look back at.
Gosh! Am being so overly positive… the dark side of me is laughing at me but this happy-go-lucky side of me wants to say to the demented me “Deal with it”….!!
I know it’s just the rush of a good weekend, but then am happy 2011 is over. Had great time first two months, am thankful for the chess match, the promotion and for everyday i spent knowing my friends & family members are healthy and happy… but for some reason, i would now love to just not write 2011 in my diary anymore…!!