Winona Ryder movie marathon

Not many people know that I’m a Winona Ryder fan, because I’m too busy singing song Meg Ryan. So today I decided to go on a Winona Ryder movie marathon. While I have already seen these movies before, more than once, I would be lying if I said i didn’t enjoy them like I was seeing them for the first time. I think there is something about actors from 90’s they just steal the show. All of them.  After 3 back to back Ryder flicks… Girl, Interrupted, Autumn in New York and Reality Bites, it’s time for a break. But I have the final movie saved for later. Will end my Ryder fever with Little Women.

There is this thing with me, I like watching movies I have seen before. Usually when I’m sad and blue I curse movies and people who make them, I ask questions like why we watch movies when it’s all a lie. Truth is I know the answer, I have known it for long now. We watch movies because we all deserve to get lost in a fairy tale, go on a journey into a whole new world, laugh out loud, cry without giving anyone a reason and feel emotions we prefer to keep inside.

There are some movies that make me cry irrespective of the number of time i watch them, including autumn in New York and Courage under fire.

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Sharing is a luxury i cant afford..!!

For past few days I have been helping a friend of mine with her relationship issues, I give her advices on how to fix the current misunderstanding or fight with her friend cum boyfriend. This made me wonder why she even asks me. I should be the last person to go for any advice, specially relationship advice. Specially relationship advices.

Just because I like the idea of love and I write love poems doesn’t mean I know everything about love. Maybe I do but I just can’t explain it. Truth is sometimes when I hear people cry about a break up, a cheating partner, one side love story with the girl/guy not having the strength to confess the love or about couple fights over a matter they can’t agree on, I feel jealous. Yes I do.  They say, a sad person is always jealous of a happy person sitting next to him/her. But in my case, I envy people with problems like I mentioned above. Because at least they can cry out loud, blame love, sulk all day and night without being judged, swear they will never fall in love and then fall again or simple just call a friend to ask for advice (like my friend does). The ability to cry openly and share makes me envy people.

For people like me to talk and share and cry out loud is a luxury I can’t afford. Only the voices in my head hear what I have to say and listen to my cribbing. I wish I was that girl who fell in love with someone but doesn’t know how to tell that person, I wish I was that girl who is angry at her partner for not giving her attention or that girl who thinks she just had a major fight with her boyfriend and feels that’s it over. I don’t know if by saying all this I put myself forward as a heartless or soulless person. Because I know I don’t even know the amount of pain people go through with a broken heart, it’s immense. I have seen my friends crying because of a bad relationship, a fight or break up with their partner or the helplessness of not letting the other person know you lover her/him. I have seen tears and maybe if I’m put in to that position I would probably not even be able take it for a day, but I still wonder how it feels to talk about it.

How it feels to cry and when someone asks you “what’s wrong?” you talk and share.  I don’t have the liberty to tell a friend that I’m hurt and in pain and then get those “its okay” hugs. Because I don’t.

Knock Knock…!!

Voices : where do the happy people live?
Me: who are you?
Voices: people in your head
Me: why are asking about happy people?
Voices: because we don’t like you
Me: why would you say that? You stay in my head. You are supposed to be nice. I’m your house owner
Voices: seriously? Well because no one likes sad people. No one. So we are shifting
Me: Seriously? Hey everyone likes sad people. Because they are sad and lonely..
Voices: and boring, creepy, attention needy and weirdly over friendly
Me: fine. Move out. Who needs voices anyway?
Voices: Silence and Rolling eyes
Me: What would you take to stay back? what do you want?
Voices: Intervention
Me: Not again. Okay. What?
Voices: You are not Meg Ryan and life is no Sleepless in Seattle..
Me: Fine, tonight i go to bed early.
Voices: You are not Avril Lavigne but you can’t be Shallow Hall either
Me: okay workout what else?
Voices: Dominique
Me: Bloody how long is this list?
Voices: First let’s just start with these three. Shall we?
Me: Bloody hell. Who let you stay in my head? You can’t boss me. I will not take bullying… i will
Voices: Seriously?
Me(with her head down): What has the world come down to?
Voices: Silence and Rolling eyes

A confession to make..!!

I have a confession to make
But some news are hard to break
I have a song in my head
It talks about you and me with hands in hand
There is a picture in my eyes
Its a portrait of your smiles
I like to do things you do
Even when I know there is no me & you
You say we are friends
I say we are whatever you want us to be
Sometimes I wonder what you would do
If I tell you that I love you
Sometimes I plan of walking up to you
With a flower and letter for you

I have a confession to make
But some news are hard to break
Its not what you would say to me
Its not what you would call me
Its seeing you tear down the castle I built
The dream I designed

I often find myself with a paper and pen
With letters “Dear you”
Then I crush them and play “throw at bin”
The voices tell me maybe you like me too
Maybe I should believe in “maybe you do”

I cant possibly walk up to you
Tell you, hurt you
And see you walk away on what we have now
How will I live with it, how?

Sometimes you get angry when I dont show up
Sometime you hit me for being not around
I wish I could tell you Im always there
Even when you are all alone and there is no one to be found

I have a confession to make
But some news are hard to break
I wish to sing a song to you
Rhyme words like love you, for you
Words like you are mine, sunshine
I want to use the cliché “I like like you”
If I love you is too big for you

Maybe someday I will tell you a secret
Someday I will give you all those letters in my basket
Till then I sit with you
As you hold my hand and talk of things you would like to do..!!

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Reliving a goodbye…!!!

When I said that I remember almost every first day of my life, first day of school, college, work and more, I meant it. But I wasn’t like this, I wasn’t someone who thought much about days, moments, people or memories, not till it all began.  I was 11 when like always my father told us that he was being transferred to another city and we all were going there. I was all excited, happy and ready to go. New place, new school, new friends, new class, new books, new new new… till that day this one word was never anything more than a word.
On the last day, we were all packed and ready to get into this car that had come to pick us and take us to the station. At that point of time I wasn’t a kid who ever had any attachment to anyone, my only best friends were my toys, my younger brother and few of my cousins. So last few minutes left, my mother is saying goodbyes to our maid, neighbors and other people she had interaction with when living at that house. I was just standing waiting for the car to start, when Meghna comes to me and to say goodbye to me.
Meghna was the only friend I had in that city, she and my very tiny brother were the only people I used to spend time with. We three were a weird team, she was a sensitive girl and I wasn’t, my brother was too young but he was still part of our so called team. Well, in my excitement and happiness I never for once thought about people, place or memories I was leaving behind. So, when she comes to me and says good bye, she looks sad and all blue. I said bye to her and went away, but something in her eyes troubled me. I tried to shrug it off; I did manage to forget it. Soon I was in the world of everything “New”, but I often wondered why was she sad? Why was she sad? The question was there always, until I found the answer. And I learned it the hard way.
That day when I was leaving I didn’t know what was coming; I didn’t know that this day was going to change me forever, that those eyes were actually going to be there always. 3 years later, again one fine day my father walks into the room with the news that we are going to another city. This time I couldn’t find a smile on my face, although the prospect of “New” was still alive but I wasn’t jumping and I didn’t know why. We had few months before we left, I told everyone in my class and everyone was little sad, so days turned into night and soon came the time when everything was packed again. I went to one of my best friend’s house to say goodbye that was the first time I cried saying bye to a friend. She gave me a goodbye gift and we hugged and that’s it i was on my way to home for dinner. Even then I didn’t struck me, but then few hours later we were back on train again and this time as we slowly moved away from the city I felt the stab of changes, pain inside of goodbyes and unhappiness of leaving people, places and memories. For the first time.
Since then I have made lots of friends and said goodbyes, felt the hole burn in my heart and the wound of changes has changed me.  Soon the school changed again, college came, I got a job and now when I look back i realize that every goodbye, I said in past 12 years, has affected me a lot. Now I know why she was sad and why those eyes troubled me. She was in pain of losing a friend. Every goodbye since that day has changed me and reminded me of her. Sometimes I tell myself that people come and go from my life because of that day. I shouldn’t have been so excited, happy and crazily joyful. Was I disrespectful to a friend’s feeling? Is that why every time I found a good friend I had to move?
6 years back, after graduation I told myself I’m done making friends. For a whole year I was at a mission of staying away from close friendship. I had made 2-3 friends in my class but I was always the one who was missing from any kind of plans, get-together or party. I would come to the class, attend the lecture, spend some time with them and go back. But soon I got a job and I made friends, I fell for life again.
Reason why I’m writing about this today is because the voices in my head asked me a question today. Today I went back to those eyes, like always they haunted me.  Maybe it’s not just because with time I grew close to people, i became sensitive and lost interest in “New”. I think it’s because with time I also found myself, the real me.
If I could go back in time I wouldn’t change a thing, but I would like to change that one day, that one goodbye. I would tell my friend that I’m sad too, that although I am looking forward to the color of “new” I would always cherish the time spent with you. I would tell her thank you for being my only friend in this city, for those evening cycle time, the noodle pajama parties when our parents used to leave us with the sitter for their grown up parties, while we watched TV and played together.
I wouldn’t change a  thing in my life, because that would mean changing course of a journey that brought me here to this day. Wouldn’t want that. But if i could, i would change one day, would do things differently. I do not wish to relive any goodbyes because they always take a part of me, but I would like to relive that one Goodbye.

Dear You..!!

Dear you,

I wanted to write to you

Tell you & talk to you

Would have started with how are you?

Maybe even asked about the weather

And moved on to small talks

Asking you

If you remember all those evening walks

Do you still have all those songs I wrote

All those gifts for you, I bought

How’s your work going on?

Do you still stop at that coffee shop?

Then I would have told you

That our goldfish is doing fine

I take care of the plants too

That I clean the table, just like you

Are you happy my love?

Is what I have asked you then

Because that’s why I took up this paper and pen

You are missed

How much is difficult to say

Probably its beyond simple words

But you are missed every second of everyday

Do you remember the first time we met

Or the first time we talked

Writing to you, I don’t know if it’s wise

I smile thinking of memories

While tears flows from my eyes

I would have added and struck out things like

Rain still reminds me of you

Summer is dull without you

Winters are colder in absence of you

Because I remember you always never smiled at it

Even when you loved my singing to you

Down the road there is a new pizza corner now

You would have been thrilled at this and said

“Lets go now”

Did I wrote you this before

That now I like every painting of yours

Probably it’s too late

Probably I should have looked at them before

I found a picture of ours from Christmas

You look beautiful with your red Santa cap

Even in the happy days we stood apart, with a gap

Where was I when you were here?

Where I was I when you were near?

Now I walk into empty rooms looking for you there

Sometimes I dream of you walking in from the front door

Telling me you have forgiven me,

Telling me I’m still yours

Things went down even before I could see

You walked away before I could see

Maybe I lost you for your good

Maybe everything happened the way it should

I don’t know if I will be sending this letter to you

I don’t know if you will read it before you tear in into two

But I know why I wanted to write to you

There was something to remind you

You left me broken and walked away with something of mine

You have what taught me to smile and shine

You are the love I loved, still do

You are the smiles I had

Come back to me, please do

Like always I miss you

Come back to me, please do

For always I will love you…!!

Would you still love me?

If I tell you all of it, would you still love me?

If I took off my faces, would you still love me?

I want no Cinderella story

I want no fame no glory

As long as you take me

As long as you still let me

Be yours

Be what I’m

If I tell you what I want, would you still love me?

If I tell you I have a dream, would you still love me?

I walk alone

But it’s OK

I laugh alone

But it’s OK

Just don’t give up

Just don’t, don’t say it’s enough

I can talk slowly

There is nothing I wouldn’t give for you, only

If you see the tears in my eyes, would you still love me?

If I be honest, would you still love me?

I wont ask for anything

Just listen and do nothing

Hug me if you can

Or just stare hard if you want

But don’t walk away

Don’t turn us into a picture old and grey

If I say i would make the same mistake, would you still love me?

If I ask you to not stop me, would you still love me?

 

Why do you blog?

Few days ago I read a blog, where the blogger ended the post with a question “Why do you blog?” so I asked myself the same question “Hey Little why do you blog?”. I started this blog because everyone was blogging and I was so busy with life that I thought maybe a blog would a good place to express my views on things going around in world. Yeah! I know sounds crazy for me, but I wanted a blog talking more about my perception of the various things happening around the world, in my country and around me. I wasn’t planning to write much of personal stuff, because for that I had my diaries.

But I didn’t take my blog seriously; I was at a point in my life where everything was shiny, colorful, new, happy and different. Now if I ask myself why did I come back to my blog, why do I write everyday and where are the “not personal” posts? I just have one answer to it. Life has changed my friend.

I like blogging because I can write things inside my heart without worrying about what anyone might think of. I have found many interesting bloggers online and reading their posts makes me happy, smile, feel connected and sometimes some of these blogs take me to a whole new world, I can only picture in my dreams. I never even thought there would be people who would like my posts and even follow me.

I’m (I hope it’s not ‘I was’) a diary person, I have so many of them. But now there is this guilt of not being able to write in my diary, daily. Blogging has taken me away from my diaries, makes me feel bad and so guilty. I don’t want my diaries to feel I have disown them, while they were there every second of every day.  But isn’t blogging like writing a diary? I hope it is. I don’t know.

You know, I think i blog because bloggers don’t judge or ask questions or care, because everyone who blogs has his or her own story to tell. I think that’s the best explanation I have to the question “why do you blog?”

Dreams..!!

Everyone has dreams, everyone. And I’m not talking about the passion or goal of life kind of dream, I’m talking about the real ones that we see when our lights go off and we walk into a world of our subconscious. They say that every dream has a meaning, some represent your fear or things that you faced during the day, while some are simply signs like you are going to get money or something like that.

Truth is if dreams are the mirror of our inner fears and issues, then I know why usually 90 percent of my dreams are bad. I don’t have nightmares where I wake up sweaty, I don’t. But I have dreams which make no sense and some of them are so sad that it takes me a whole day to get out of the hangover of it. Travel has always been a major part of my dreams, usually I’m traveling in a bus or train or plane or whatever mode left. I don’t know if it’s because I am afraid of moving and settling in a new place or because I wish to go a vacation.  Then there are dream where I m in some kind of war or mission or am trying to escape someone who is following me. The war dreams are sad but way cooler than most of my other dreams, because it’s like the movie Sucker Punch. I have weird 3D imagination, I once dreamt of a war and some robotic super gadget suit rescues some of the soldiers including me and flies away. Honest to God, I had a dream like this. Weird I know. Although that dream did made me sad for over 2 days but now when I think of it I think it was a cool awesome dream.

Also in some of my dreams I’m on a search, looking for someone. I know why I dream that. In fact I know reason behind every dream that I have. While I can remember most of my sad dreams, there is only one happy dream I can recall if I have to. I mean I know I have a high percentage of sad unhappy dreams but it’s so weird that I don’t remember happy dreams at all, except one. And sadly I can’t talk about the happy dream, despite it being my favorite dream of all time. A dream where everything is movie perfect, including back ground music and stupid happy endings.

I don’t know why I am talking about dreams today, maybe I know. Now I have become little better at handling bad dreams, maybe that’s why I’m okay today. It’s funny but one of my stories came to me in my dream and next morning I started writing it, I wrote every page as I dreamt of it every night. I guess dreams aren’t that bad a world, if you are not messed up to my extent.

Like I said I’m a nice person but dreams don’t know that, they just know the girl in my subconscious mind.

 

I Do…!!

You are a song stuck in my mind

I just cant stop smiling

As we stand side by side

When i first saw you

I always pictured this day

When i would be thinking nothing but you

I don’t know what fate is

I don’t know what love is

But i do know what this is

Right here right now

As we look at each other, i know

I will never let you cry

I will never let you go away

Every breath i take

Every day i live

Is for you and will be yours

You are in my dreams

You have become my reality

Like a song in mind that i play again and again

Like my heartbeat and blood  in my veins

Let me hold your hand

As at this altar we stand

I do not promise to be your better half

No i don’t, cause you are perfect yourself

But i do

I do love you

I promise to be the one

Who would give up dreams to build yours

Who would walk behind

So its easy for happiness to find

you first & always you before me

I promise to love everything you love

So you never have to decide

Deep blue sea

In your eyes i see

Everything you ask me for and want me from

Would be taken as an order

Would be considered as an honor

Like a love song

Your smiles ring inside me, on and on

Yes i would marry you

Yes i love you

Even when we haven’t met i knew you

I have written letters to you

Sung songs for you

Because  i knew you

i dreamt of you

Of a day when i would be standing here

With 3 most powerful words in the world

Life brought you to me

Let me take you ahead,let me be

The one you walk to

In happiness, in tears, when you are blue

Let me be

The one who walks with you

For the rest of your life

Let me be there for you

Yes “I do”…!!