Reliving a goodbye…!!!

When I said that I remember almost every first day of my life, first day of school, college, work and more, I meant it. But I wasn’t like this, I wasn’t someone who thought much about days, moments, people or memories, not till it all began.  I was 11 when like always my father told us that he was being transferred to another city and we all were going there. I was all excited, happy and ready to go. New place, new school, new friends, new class, new books, new new new… till that day this one word was never anything more than a word.
On the last day, we were all packed and ready to get into this car that had come to pick us and take us to the station. At that point of time I wasn’t a kid who ever had any attachment to anyone, my only best friends were my toys, my younger brother and few of my cousins. So last few minutes left, my mother is saying goodbyes to our maid, neighbors and other people she had interaction with when living at that house. I was just standing waiting for the car to start, when Meghna comes to me and to say goodbye to me.
Meghna was the only friend I had in that city, she and my very tiny brother were the only people I used to spend time with. We three were a weird team, she was a sensitive girl and I wasn’t, my brother was too young but he was still part of our so called team. Well, in my excitement and happiness I never for once thought about people, place or memories I was leaving behind. So, when she comes to me and says good bye, she looks sad and all blue. I said bye to her and went away, but something in her eyes troubled me. I tried to shrug it off; I did manage to forget it. Soon I was in the world of everything “New”, but I often wondered why was she sad? Why was she sad? The question was there always, until I found the answer. And I learned it the hard way.
That day when I was leaving I didn’t know what was coming; I didn’t know that this day was going to change me forever, that those eyes were actually going to be there always. 3 years later, again one fine day my father walks into the room with the news that we are going to another city. This time I couldn’t find a smile on my face, although the prospect of “New” was still alive but I wasn’t jumping and I didn’t know why. We had few months before we left, I told everyone in my class and everyone was little sad, so days turned into night and soon came the time when everything was packed again. I went to one of my best friend’s house to say goodbye that was the first time I cried saying bye to a friend. She gave me a goodbye gift and we hugged and that’s it i was on my way to home for dinner. Even then I didn’t struck me, but then few hours later we were back on train again and this time as we slowly moved away from the city I felt the stab of changes, pain inside of goodbyes and unhappiness of leaving people, places and memories. For the first time.
Since then I have made lots of friends and said goodbyes, felt the hole burn in my heart and the wound of changes has changed me.  Soon the school changed again, college came, I got a job and now when I look back i realize that every goodbye, I said in past 12 years, has affected me a lot. Now I know why she was sad and why those eyes troubled me. She was in pain of losing a friend. Every goodbye since that day has changed me and reminded me of her. Sometimes I tell myself that people come and go from my life because of that day. I shouldn’t have been so excited, happy and crazily joyful. Was I disrespectful to a friend’s feeling? Is that why every time I found a good friend I had to move?
6 years back, after graduation I told myself I’m done making friends. For a whole year I was at a mission of staying away from close friendship. I had made 2-3 friends in my class but I was always the one who was missing from any kind of plans, get-together or party. I would come to the class, attend the lecture, spend some time with them and go back. But soon I got a job and I made friends, I fell for life again.
Reason why I’m writing about this today is because the voices in my head asked me a question today. Today I went back to those eyes, like always they haunted me.  Maybe it’s not just because with time I grew close to people, i became sensitive and lost interest in “New”. I think it’s because with time I also found myself, the real me.
If I could go back in time I wouldn’t change a thing, but I would like to change that one day, that one goodbye. I would tell my friend that I’m sad too, that although I am looking forward to the color of “new” I would always cherish the time spent with you. I would tell her thank you for being my only friend in this city, for those evening cycle time, the noodle pajama parties when our parents used to leave us with the sitter for their grown up parties, while we watched TV and played together.
I wouldn’t change a  thing in my life, because that would mean changing course of a journey that brought me here to this day. Wouldn’t want that. But if i could, i would change one day, would do things differently. I do not wish to relive any goodbyes because they always take a part of me, but I would like to relive that one Goodbye.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s