For past few days I have been helping a friend of mine with her relationship issues, I give her advices on how to fix the current misunderstanding or fight with her friend cum boyfriend. This made me wonder why she even asks me. I should be the last person to go for any advice, specially relationship advice. Specially relationship advices.
Just because I like the idea of love and I write love poems doesn’t mean I know everything about love. Maybe I do but I just can’t explain it. Truth is sometimes when I hear people cry about a break up, a cheating partner, one side love story with the girl/guy not having the strength to confess the love or about couple fights over a matter they can’t agree on, I feel jealous. Yes I do. They say, a sad person is always jealous of a happy person sitting next to him/her. But in my case, I envy people with problems like I mentioned above. Because at least they can cry out loud, blame love, sulk all day and night without being judged, swear they will never fall in love and then fall again or simple just call a friend to ask for advice (like my friend does). The ability to cry openly and share makes me envy people.
For people like me to talk and share and cry out loud is a luxury I can’t afford. Only the voices in my head hear what I have to say and listen to my cribbing. I wish I was that girl who fell in love with someone but doesn’t know how to tell that person, I wish I was that girl who is angry at her partner for not giving her attention or that girl who thinks she just had a major fight with her boyfriend and feels that’s it over. I don’t know if by saying all this I put myself forward as a heartless or soulless person. Because I know I don’t even know the amount of pain people go through with a broken heart, it’s immense. I have seen my friends crying because of a bad relationship, a fight or break up with their partner or the helplessness of not letting the other person know you lover her/him. I have seen tears and maybe if I’m put in to that position I would probably not even be able take it for a day, but I still wonder how it feels to talk about it.
How it feels to cry and when someone asks you “what’s wrong?” you talk and share. I don’t have the liberty to tell a friend that I’m hurt and in pain and then get those “its okay” hugs. Because I don’t.