A Day..!!

Have you ever lived a day, a day that has become embedded in your memory like a painting on wall? A day you can recall with utmost clarity while feeling just what you felt on that day? A day that soon turned out to be the turning point of what happened in next few months or years in your life? I have. I believe all of us come face to face to a day that changes the course of our journey, a day that becomes an integral part of our life. A day that always makes us smile, no matter how many times have we gone back at its details.

For some it’s the day they met or saw or first time spoke to love of their life or the day they got married, for some it’s the first day of first job or first salary, for others it could be the day they had their first kid or for some it could be their first house or car.

Life, no matter how sad or happy, gives each one of us days which take us back to that turn into our life we fell in love with. Moments we love to go back to and relive, because they become the stepping stone of everything that makes “Happy Ending” sound possible.

I have had some of these days which have changed the very course of my journey, which is why i remember almost every such life-shaping day as clear as a song stuck in my mind. I remember almost every important day of life with all the basic details still clear. School, college, work and every Goodbye…!!

 

TGIF

Fridays (just like today) are perfect example of what I mean when I say I can’t go through my day without my headphones on. Somehow Friday are the longest days of week, they just won’t come to end. My personal experience says that clock hands do not movie every second on Fridays, they movie after every 30 minutes. You look at them at your watch it would say 2 pm, you look at your watch after 1 hour and it would say 215 pm. It’s bugging.

So today after lunch I was at my seat working, when one of the girls in the office pinged me asking why I am sad.

Me: why would she ask that? Am not sad.

Myself: have you looked at yourself today? You are like a zombie.

Me: why would you say that? Am not a zombie.

Myself: i wish you would sleep on time so people wouldn’t think of you as a sad pathetic loner

Me: why would you say that? Am not pathetic

Myself: Silence and rolling eyes

Anyhow, i politely replied to the girl that i was actually little sleepy because i slept real late last night and so. She then started making jokes about various ways that i can use to save myself from falling asleep. In fact there department ordered some snacks and i was invited too. See, I’m a nice person and has always been liked by people, even those who do not work in my team. But like I said being nice does not matter.

Okay, I still had a huge number of hours to survive before I could happily walk up to my car, unlock it, drive home and scream ‘am home’ to my dog and my mum. That’s when I looked at my reliable and my all time savior my headphones.

So I went from Lady Gaga to Britney spears, Avril to Beatles, Plain White Ts to soundtrack of Sucker Punch and Waiting for Forever. For me my Blackberry isn’t a business phone, it’s my lifeline.

There is a song from Plain White T’s “hey there Delilah” that makes me smile I don’t know but I feel connected to this song in some way. There is one particular habit of mine that I like to put songs on repeat for a long duration, for so long that after few days I can’t listen to that song for at least a month. But then if you like something listen to it as much as you want, who cares if tomorrow it will get old and would stop sounding that great.

Anyhow, so today while I was busy trying to stare at the clock on my computer with my Blackberry on shuffle I ended up listening to Abba and Kesha, one after another, which made me wonder about my song listing. Truth is am from the era of Boy bands when Backstreet, Nsync and Westlife were the rising stars, so I never really had any attraction towards songs from eras where Boney M, Abba, Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston, Elvis, Elton John and other such legends were making history. But as I grew up I ended up listening to everything that I found online, with invention of YouTube I became the traveler who likes to visit past. Not only did I realize why my dad likes Boney M and ABBA, I also have found many new singers.

Some of the singers and bands I met on YouTube include Amy Macdonald, Ellie Goulding, Plain White T’s, Paramore (for this I would give credit to Twilight), Landon Pigg, Christina Perri and so many more. Music has something that makes everything seem happy or sad or funny at the same time. Sometimes when I’m really low, I listen to mushy love songs even though love doesn’t like me.

I wish I had music in me as a talent..

Lesson of the day –

When life goes blue

Use headphone to get through…!!

 

P.S I even have Last Friday night by Katty Perry in my phone due to my respect for the four letters TGIF.

 

Being her…!!

She walks , walks all alone, with a smile on her face. Never does she talks about things inside her mind, she hates to be weak and fragile. Words are her friends, who live with her in every turn and corner. There live few people in her head, she talks to them when she needs help. Sometimes she wishes to be someone else, anyone else. Often she finds things easy to handle when she just gives up, which makes her wonder is the only way out is the dark deep cave with no light and air. She has a story to tell but she cant, so she writes it down here and there, in songs and poems.

She likes being obsessed with things, eating certain food, drinking certain coffee, listening to a song again and again, watching same movie over thousand times and letting people know she loves them. To her being She doesn’t mind being labelled because she has bigger problems to worry about. she has a journey and a destination, only she doesn’t know where is she moving. She misses people from life she walked out of, so many stations she passed on her way to where ever she is heading. All those faces, flashes of good times and days when it seemed “Maybe” is real, she misses it all.

Sometimes she likes to be on her own, but she knows that’s just pretenses she loves attention. To her being in love is different, to her every love story makes sense, to her spring means a reason to smile even if there is no reason and for her friendship means certain people who do not care whatever the hell is wrong with her. She wasn’t born to be big, just born to meet few people, few faces and few names. She will one day look back and smile, because she achieved more than she ever asked for. But she has to keep walking a little more, she has a turn to cross, she has a dawn to see.

Being her means being an invisible soldier, because her battle doesn’t exist and no one knows which war is she talking about. She is a good liar, a bloody good liar. She lies and puts on faces, to walk through the enemy lines as reality fires at her.

She believes in super heroes and calls herself her favorite super hero, because she knows only she can save the day and make it all okay.

 

Today

There are days when life hits you hard with reality, a strong jolt like a CPR. You are left shaken with no idea what exactly you are experiencing. Today is world poem day or something like that, so I thought I will write down one but I guess I won’t. It was a day that started just like any other day, I woke super late and reached office super late. Nothing new, except today I was all busy and my mood was fine too. Even daily visitors like headache and sleepiness didn’t bother much, just came said ‘HI’ and moved on.

But it was when I was going back that something happened something that shook me. I was talking to my best friend on phone and then something weird happened. She screamed and then the only sound on phone was disturbance caused by wind. I tried to call back but couldn’t get through. I tried and tried. I wasn’t alone, one of my guy friend was there and we both (trying our best to not react) were like staring at each other. Normally you see scenes like this in movies; never does it happen in reality. In my life nothing extraordinary has ever happened except once, which changed my life and DNA. Anyhow, so I’m like did I heard a scream? I’m not saying it to my friend and he isn’t sayings anything, because we both don’t want to scare each other over something which could be nothing. We both are like “let’s call” with that look on our face which says …stupid network. Truth be told, I was shivering inside.

We called back once twice thrice and kept doing it. That’s when we both shared that maybe there was a scream and maybe it’s little serious.

Apparently, some stupid *#*@ snatched her phone and ran away…she is fine and everything is okay. Hopefully I will talk to her tomorrow. But the whole 45 minutes of guessing and calling made me realize one thing. I can spend my whole life without seeing or talking to people I love, but all I want is for my family & friends to be happy and healthy.

Weird day

Had a weird day today, i guess i need an intervention on my late nights. Because i think the lack of sleep is making me crazy and insane too. This morning i had my first scary dream and it felt so real & freaky and then  something else happened.  I’m sure it was just a coincidence but dude it freaked me out…me!!

I was looking for my socks in the balcony, when my love my dog started barking at our neighbors. So i carried all my pair of socks, brown, blue and white and walked to the front door to close it. It was then that i dropped one of my blue sock, so i picked it up and walked up to my room. I placed them all in my Almira and came to dinning table to put on my shoes. while i was tying my laces and talking to my mom, i looked at the front door and dude there was lying a blue sock… whoa! didn’t i just pick it up? Of-course, i might have dropped the other one while picking it , but still it was little weird.

Today, i don’t know how i didn’t sleep while i was driving to work, i guess i should be grateful to the voices in my head for screaming at  me and abusing me. Most of the mornings, i look like a hungry Alice Cullen (not literally i wish i could,  cause i love the hair cut of the girl who plays Alice in the movie) with blood  red eyes.

Also, i finally saw the last episode of second season of PLL and believe me i was actually doing high-five in air with no one, because i had guessed already guessed the story and had told all my friends about it (past one week i have been too much obsessed with this final episode). So when i saw the episode coming out just the way i had predicted, it was like..

Me: yayaeee!

Myself: Am so proud of you. All those nights you spent reading Nancy Drew, you made the best use of the.

Me: see see, see i knew it. I told you. Yayee.

Myself: Tears in my eyes. Proud of you. Now please sleep on time. Please.

Me: Backoff… now i have to call my friend and have to re-watch it to guess remaining pieces of puzzles. But i promise, will sleep at 12.

Myself: Silence and Rolling eyes

Okay, so i did call my friend and we discussed every scene and then i re-watched the whole show and then we discussed again (believe me i don’t think she will pick up my call for two days now). But since am blogging now, i guess i cant say i slept at 12 or even close.

I hope the voices will keep me awake as i drive tomorrow  😛

You & I

I see you sad

Walking with a frown

Your head tiled down

I know there is nothing i can say

Or do to make it go away

So i walk with you

As i think of what to do

I take you to the beach

Somewhere with no city

Somewhere out of reach

I try to sing for you

You don’t look up as you keep walking

I make everyone join me too

I make everyone surround you

Singing and dancing all around you

You smile a little and dance a step or two

With another smile you take a bow

Soon everyone walks away happy

But your smile goes back to the frown

I continue telling you stories

You kick every stone on your way

I look left right and far way

Leaving you alone i run

You don’t look at me, not a single glance, none

Even before you can look up again

I’m back with your favourite ice-cream cone

Dozens of balloons each one

Tied to me

You look up, you look at me

And then you smile again, as you see

I walk with you loaded with balloons

While you enjoy your cone

I think of something to do, soon

I still see you sad, but you try your best to hide

I walk towards the tide

The water is calm and silent today

With balloons still ready to fly me away

I get into the water and take a swim

You can’t see me but can see the colors yellow, red, blue, green

You sit down and stare at the balloons in the air

As i float and swim like a boat in a low gear

I look up to see if you smiled

To look if this one was big and wide

‘Now what?’ i ask myself as i come out

Wet and cold i tell myself “at least i tried”

I walk up to you with no more balloons

Many of them floating away in the sea

Many of them fallen on the footstep of you and me

You stand up, you wave to me

Then you hug me

I look into your eyes and i see the lines gone

The shine is back a little

You want me to sit down with you

You take my hand, as you look at the sea

With a whisper “i love you too”

You make me forget to breathe…!!!

 

I love you..!!

I’m in love with you

I wish I could sing it to you

Or scream out loud for you

But you won’t hear me

You don’t even know me

We meet every day at your favorite coffee shop

We have same coffee sitting across each other

I know you love to read

I know you like Beatles

Sometimes you look at me

Without even knowing, you smile at me

I have often seen you crying on phone

Wish I could tell you how much it hurts

To see tears in those eyes, so big & brown

I know your name

But I don’t know if you’ll ever know mine

Sometimes I think of going to you

Talking to you

Telling you what your beautiful eyes & smile do to me

Telling you, with you there in front of me

There is nothing else I can see

But I know I can’t

You are someone else to be

So I do what I can

I have coffee with you

We don’t even talk

But sometimes with you & I take a walk

Everyday I wait for you

Every day I say good morning to you

Do you know that you & I have a song?

We both love it when the jukebox plays it on

We both love to take the sky in fall

You never told me

But I hear you talking to me

As we share our coffee sitting across the shop

Maybe one day you will see me

Maybe one day I will walk up to you

Maybe one day I will say “I love you”

Till then I will wait for you every morning

At the same coffee shop

Till then I will have my coffees with you

Keep on loving you

Every day you walk in to my life smiling

Every day you make my world bright & shining

If only you knew me

If only you knew what you do to me

How your laugh makes world a better place

I wish I could tell that your frown

Turns every color grey & brown

I believe I could tell you

That you make colors look beautiful

That every love song was written for you

Everyday I live for 30 minutes

Every day you make me better than I was before

There is nothing I wouldn’t give to talk to you

Or let you know that “I’m yours”

I feel you in my heart

I feel you when you aren’t around

I don’t know if I will ever get to sing my love to you

I don’t know if you ever walk up to me and not just pass by

But I do know this

Ever day i write a poetry to you

and i don’t know why but

I love you…!!

It was a terrible rain…!!

Blocked all thoughts,

Locked all doors,

Painted every window in blackness

She is now a prisoner of her own moment of darkness

She needs to break free

She needs to see

Where is the wind of hope?

Where is the “no surrender” shop?

It’s time to talk a walk

Time for her to open and talk

She can’t find her friends ‘words’

Everything seems so absurd

How can she stop and rest before the dawn?

She tells the voices to not to worry and frown

It was a terrible rain

But not everything has gone in vain

She will smash the doors and windows

She will not let the voices die

She like colours

She loves trees & flowers

No matter how dark it is

She still loves lighting candles

She will stand up because she has to

Not yet, someday when there is nothing else to do

Not yet, not before she has some faith inside

It was a terrible rain

But not everything has gone in vain

She knows words will come back

She knows she can wash the paintings ruined in black

She will rise & walk

She will struggle & drag

But she won’t let the voices die

“No”, she whispers as she sigh

It was a terrible rain

But not everything has gone in vain

 

Writing is my alcohol…!!

Hi, i’m an addict.

I’m addicted to so many things, but nothing gives me the high writing does. It started when i was in 9th grade and since then i have spent almost every day being a writer. I wrote silly poems, sad stories, senseless stuff in diaries, i wrote because writing is the only thing that felt good.

I have had my moments of clean life where i didn’t write, but i found other addictions. Coffee, junk food and fiction. But nothing helps like writing, every word i put down calms me. Truth is if i won’t write i won’t be able to make it till dawn. My job also requires me to write, i come home and i write, on weekend i write, I’m happy i write and i write if can’t control what’s falling down my cheeks.

It’s like my drug, my alcohol. I don’t think i can give up or live without it, i know question is why would i want to do that? I don’t know, but today i asked myself what if not writing?

Maybe that’s why today im sad, because i can’t do anything else i have no other talent. I don’t know if that’s why am low or it’s just a thought came through the window of sadness, staring at me since morning.

I feel lost, like a soldier who knows that the backup is not coming and sooner or later it’s all about the “White Flag”. When i was young i always thought being a good person matter, if you are nice to everyone in your class or around you, nothing can go wrong.  Truth be told, i lived being a nice girl all my life. I was one of those girls who you could ask to get you a coffee from canteen, while you worked on your class work. I always found saying No to anyone difficult, taking sides in a fight and even yelling at someone for anything. Because i wanted to be the girl, the one who was always nice. So that in the end, everyone would forgive me because i was the nice girl who always smiled and said yes.

Anyhow, i was kind of a nerd who was never great with books, never dressed trendy and had braces but i was still popular among people in my class which included brilliant as well as the fashionable ones. You know how? Because i used to write and they liked reading my “something to write while on bus to home” stuff from my notepad. They thought i was good, i wasn’t but, it made me happy.

Today, i need to write and write and write till i am spinning. I need to escape and few pages of writing along with fiction would be fine. That’s what Doctor “voice in the corner of my head” suggests.

“Hi I’m an addict,
And I’m addicted to writing”

Thank you!!

Walking in & out of a conversation…!!

Do you ever get away from a conversation and come back to it in a while, realizing people are still talking and none of them had an idea that you weren’t even among them? I do. Had it so many times, usually its during a boring office meetings, when I’m not even needed but i still have to sit through it cause the rule books says so. Anyhow, i have had this kind of experiences so many times, that i often wonder what if someday someone asks me something while am gone.

Someone: so what do you think? should we say yes or no?

Me (just back from my trip to nowhere): Hmm, i um think Um …aa Um what i believe.. Um

Someone: are you okay?

Me: (Thanking someone sincerely for the solution): no no.. yes, i mean no. . You know what…Am just not feeling that good. i think um ..Excuse me all i need to get some air.

Someone & everyone else (with concern for poor me): yes yes, please take a break. We will update you.

This is what i think should be my best self defense against a situation caused by my ability to vanish from conversation having around. I’m not trying to be funny or sound creepy; but i really do end up talking to voices in my head or plan a page or two for my story, while people are having conversation around. Sometimes i have even tried to ask the voices questions on things and people around.

My last act vanishing from a conversation took me to my story and its development process, but the one that happened before that was actually weird. I was discussing (or rather these people were discussing) some issues being faced by one of the guys in office with the server of a site, for which he was adding the content. I already knew what the discussion was as I was told by the team before they called in the project manager and repeated the story. So the guy starts with his story and i nod and nod and boom i walk away from the scene. I ended having a small talk with myself.

Me (looking at the one who was telling story of sad demise of the content he added in late 24 hours): with little weight loss he can look damn good

Myself: yeah agree on that

Me (looking at two guys sitting nearby looking something on their system): why are they smiling? What’s so funny on their system?

Myself: seriously? Don’t you think you should listen to this guy over here?

Me: I’m jealous… i never get to find anything funny online, when am working

Myself: stop making faces you moron, he is sayings something

Me: am going…okay… i know what he is saying.  He added content, it got deleted, and he added again, it got deleted again. The guy upstairs says server issue. What’s new?

Myself: Silence and rolling eyes

Trust me this happened. Guess that’s what happens when the work you once loved, the place you once loved turns into weird, sad and a stranger. Sometimes i look at myself sitting at my desk, with my head in my hands as i stare at the screen. Reminds me of the first few minutes of the movie “Wanted”, where that guy works everyday at a place he doesn’t want to be yet he is there. He hates every minute of his job but he is there everyday, till one fine day Angelina Jolie comes and he is being chased by bad guys and guns etc etc…That’s when he quits his job. Only in my case, there is no Angelina Jolie or anything like that.

So, i guess i will continue with my art of steering away from conversations going around me. I believe, people who can picture themselves from outside as a bystander know what shit they are in. On the bright side, i have a talent to walk in & out of a conversation without anyone knowing…!! Yayee!!