Avengers Suit Up…Hulk SMAASSHH!!!

I never thought i would like a Scarlet Johansson movie so much, also this is by far the most awesome Super Hero movie i have seen.

My fixation for Super Heroes is due to my personal issues, i think my need to compare myself to super heroes is some kind of weird defence mechanism. Anyhow, it was a nice day today. Just what i needed, before i jump back into the everyday work routine.

Last night i booked 2 tickets for Avengers 3D , 1pm. It was 1145 when my friend called me to wake me up and remind me that i have to pick her up. I get up, walk around with my eyes half closed for next 15 minutes. Get inside the bathroom at 12. I reached her place at 1245. Good thing we made it to the theater right at time and didn’t miss the start like always.

Next few hours were spent laughing and enjoying every second of it. Seeing Robin Scherbatsky (Colbie Smulders) in the movie was a surprise. I love Robin, i think she and Barney are the only two people still keeping the wrecked ship of How I Met Your Mother floating.  Also, i think Scarlet was really good and for a change i was like Go Scar. While Captain America (Chris Evans) was just handsome as ever, i think i couldn’t take my eyes off Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr) and Hulk (Mark Raffalo). The rich genius billionaire and angry green scientist stole the show, at least for me.

For people who think Super Hero movie is just too unreal for them, i would still suggest this one. Because A the graphics are wow and B the dialogues are hilarious. I wanted the movie to continue forever, i didn’t want it to end…at the end i was like “O Man!”

Then we went to one of my favorite coffee shop in a place i haven’t been for long time now, a place i have fond memories of…specially the last visit. Spending too much for a cup of coffee is not my style but today i just wanted to go somewhere old, somewhere i haven’t been to for long, somewhere that would take me to old days.

A funny thing happened during the movie, the reality of life kept on nagging me all throughout the movie. I was enjoying but i was also aware of something. I wish i could tell my friend what was troubling me. I wish i could tell someone, anyone.

Never mind, i think the day was spent well and i think I’m ready for next 5 days of office blues.

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I dont wait for you..!!

Sometimes i wonder about how much i love you, about things i would do for you and give up for. Remember the day we met? With a smile you walked into my life, like a sunshine you erased the darkness and changed me. It was like i was waiting for you all my life. It’s like i always knew you were coming.

Together we built memories i now live with. Every day we did something new, we had our place; we had our own roads and our own personal tree. I never told you this before but i always used to look at you when you weren’t noticing. I wanted to not take my eyes of you whenever we were together. Did we ever fight? I can’t remember, maybe because i only remember days when giggled, when we held hands and when sang “i love you”. It’s hard for me to not look back and smile.

Since the day i fell in love with you i had been asking one thing. Where were you all my life? You and i weren’t the perfect twos but you and i were fairy tale, a roller-coaster and happy movie. I miss you but i miss us more. I have never known love like i did with you, i have never felt like i felt with you and i haven’t smiled again like i used to with you around.

Do you remember the short sweet notes we used to write to each other? The first thing i wanted to see when we used to meet was the smile on your face and shine in your eyes. Every time i saw you in tears, it broke my heart.

I still stand where we met and fell in love, it’s not that bad. I know you will not come back but i can’t help but sit on that see-saw and smile at years we had. Sometimes when I’m too lonely, when the world hurts i walk back down to the road we walked on, to the tree we scribbled on and to the dream we lived together.

Like a star you fell in my life, brightened my life and taught me to smile. I can’t thank you enough for coming in to my life, for every day since we met and for letting me be a part of you.  I know I will not see you again but I have you somewhere inside.

Now that you have gone, I take a walk alone to the roads we lived on…but i don’t wait for you. I go back a lot, but i don’t wait for you.

 

Picnic…!!

I think Heather Morris and Naya Rivera has nailed the Whitney Houston tribute episode. I think I’m going to be very very sad the day Glee gets over. It would hurt me personally. See, I would have never heard any Whitney song but thanks to Glee I can’t stop playing them again and again. Right now I’m like a girl boarding her picnic bus…ready for a 2 day picnic. O dear weekend, marry me.

Have you ever thought about the kind of kid you were? How you were years back? I often go back to my childhood and it makes me realize that I always knew this day was going to come; only I wasn’t sure what it was. I was always a nice kid, I wasn’t very naughty and my only friends were my baby brother and my cousins. But even then I was a lonely kid, probably because we never stayed at one place for long.  I have heard many people talking about things they would like to say to their younger version, if they could go back in past.

Well, weird but even if I went back to the  8 years old or 10 years old me or 15 years old me…I would not say a thing. Nothing. No signs. No warning and no clues. You know why? Because, one I don’t want to freak out the young girl in me. I was a little loner even back then with doubts about future, but back then I  didn’t knew pain like I know now. Also, irrespective of being slapped by reality day and night, I think I have had some of the most amazing days, most hilarious moments, and most beautiful memories and have met best people on my way to today.

So, I won’t tell the young me that life is going to suck and that you are going to be chained with heaviness and thrown in a sea. Because that would mean that the poor kid would freak out and would try to run here and there, eventually changing the course of life completely. Truth is even if I knew back then I could have done nothing to change things, but yes knowing would have made me not experience a beautiful journey I have been through.  Moreover, how would I explain the little girl about the voices?

Young Me: Hi

Dark Me: hey, hi little me. Guess what I’m from future

Young Me: wow! Please tell me how’s life there? Am I still tortured by Maths? Do we have to deal with homework when we work like our parents?

Dark Me: hmm…aa…here is the thing. You will grow up to be a sad girl who will have friends in her head. You will hate God then you will start liking God and then you will be like a God fearing person who would use a bad F word a lot. You will have good friends but they will all have to say bye bye to you. Everything you think about tomorrow is wrong and believe me movies are a big lie. It doesn’t work that way. And of course, you will end up being a liar because there will be things you won’t be able to talk about. And Blah BOO Blah BOO Blah BOO

Young Me: WAHH 😦  MOMMY

Dark Me: hey don’t cry…good news, you will still believe in Santa, you wont have to ask your parents for money to buy a chocolate, you will still love balloons, there will be no Maths and you will have a cute little doggy who would become the biggest love of your life. See it’s not that bad either

Young Me: MOMMMMYYYYY…  😦

Not knowing made my life a picnic where I met new people, we had good time together. Christmas is never fun if you tell the young girl sitting on the porch that Santa doesn’t exist. I would never do that to the little girl who once lived in me, who thought life was going to be easy when you get through school, who believed homework was the only monster in her life and who once liked making new friends. I was that kid.

It wasn’t a good day but I think I’m drunk on ice-cream and maybe that’s why I am smiling thinking…what a picnic life has been or has it?

Super Heroes don’t party…!!

Right now, i don’t feel well. No it’s not the mood, the mood never changes, it’s the health which is little off the ridge. Like i said i need sleep and lots of it. Glad, weekend is almost here.

Today my boss threw a small party at his house for one of an intern from Germany, Eduard. It was his last day in office, so we did small party in office and then another one in evening at my boss’s house. I was told in the morning that i was invited too and that my boss will talk to me later in the day to invite me. Whole day i was like “whoa! How do i get out of this one?” I didn’t. I had to go for the party. I don’t like going to parties, in fact i don’t like to go anywhere where i am surrounded by more than 5 people at a time.

So i went to Eduard’s goodbye party. Everyone was drinking and when my boss asked me what would i like to have and i was like “anything non-alcoholic sir”. Fact – i drink but only when I’m with people I’m super super comfortable with, because i can get drunk in 5 sips. Yes! That’s a fact. So i need my best friends around when I’m drinking. Well, my boss gets me a glass of coke with so much of ice that right now my throat hurts.

My head hurts, my throat hurts and my heart hurts… last one was cheesy i know.

Anyhow, i have this ability to act cool when I’m not, so i was good in party. I was handling the crowd well and i even managed to make myself smile and laugh a number of times, when required.  I think the voices were proud of me today.

I’m going to miss funny and cute Eduard.

Friday is here and I’m like a phone on LOW BATTERY beep mode. I need Grey’s Anatomy, Glee and Castle. I don’t want to go tomorrow, i just want to stay in my room for next three days and do nothing. Except one thing, i want to watch Avengers. I’m going to watch it this weekend. How can i miss a Super Hero movie? I think Super Heroes are sad & lonely people who never talk about their issues.  And also, they never go for parties.

“Of course, Super Heroes don’t feel the pain…here hit me…”

 

 

Being a narcissist is like taking brandy for cold…!!

Sometimes I try to talk myself out of the weird state of doubts settled on me, like an algae that has gone bad. I would like to believe that I’m good at what I do, that irrespective of not being happy about working where I do; I do a hell of a good job.

I try to tell myself, that if I stop doing what I do people will have problems and maybe my non-working state will affect, a little but will affect, the task because i work hard. Why do i do that? Because I want to tell myself that it’s okay to not have the strength to find what’s right for you. I try to tell myself that if I cannot get up and walk out of my misery, because I think I’m not good, I’m still an important person in my current land of work. Sometimes when we complete a project, I tell myself “I played an important part in that and that I handled my part very nicely”.

This isn’t just about my job, where I often tell myself that “You are doing a good job”, “see, you are hardworking”, “your team knows how much efforts you put in”, “people who work with you, like you”. I do the same ritual in every day of my life. Narcissist? Maybe, but what else can you do if you know you are a wrecked ship going down and no one else is seeing you, stopping you or even trying to save you. When no one knows you need to be rescued, you try to do it in your own way.

Few years back, I was in a bad state…worse than this because I was too young to handle things. Now, I’m back to what I was then, only this time I’m not a 20-something college pass out. Let me tell a secret, I think I’m a good person and I have all the right to be happy. So, if I’m in tears and something is tearing me apart, I will tell myself “feck the rules, let’s go and eat something good”, “I know it hurts, but hey do you know you have some money to buy books”, “so what if you think people will hate you, you just bought a homeless kid a sandwich..See? You are not that bad”, “You are awesome”, etc , etc, etc.

O I can go on and on…I like to play a narcissist, fall in love with myself, do things to treat myself  nice and tell myself that I’m a good person, that I try to help people where I can, that I work hard in my office and I deserve to spend foolishly on books, even if I don’t read them.

Today I was low, was wondering why I’m still working here (my office). So i told myself “you can quit anytime and get yourself something good, you just don’t want to leave because you have bigger battles to fight. You can quit whenever you want. But please wait”. I don’t  know if that was meant to make myself happy or my boss…

I don’t know how many times i play this “you are an awesome person” game with myself…but if i don’t do this, i will not be able to stop myself from going back to being that dark- but-too-young -to-handle girl, i was once.

“No im not taking alcohol, its just brandy and i’m not feeling well..”

I once dreamed of my wedding!!!!

Believe me when i say this, I once dreamed of a wedding day… a day I was surrounded by people happy, cheering and enjoying the music. It was my wedding day, I was happy and the one I was getting married to was standing right there in front of me… smiling and looking at me. I could see those eyes trying to tell me it’s all okay, that I’m safe and I will never get hurt ever, and that there are no tearier nights left in my world.

 
It was a dream I can never ever forget, there are so many dreams that I remember with such clarity that sometimes I wonder why I never used this kind of memory in my education phase…I could have done so good. While most of the dreams that I remember, with utmost clarity, are dreams which have haunted me for days with a touch of sadness that wasn’t easy to wash off. But this one dream, it was like the best thing that ever happened to me. When I woke up realizing that it was just a dream and the probability of it coming true is zero, i thought “O man! I’m going to go blue again”.  But, I didn’t get sad, I wasn’t in tears and there was this strange happiness inside. I guess I was happy to live that dream, because I knew I could never have what I had in those couple of unconscious moment. I wasn’t just in love, I was getting married.

 
Yes, I m one of those girls who want to get married, who dig the idea of living with the other half for the rest of her life and do nothing else but wake up to that face every morning. O believe me I can do that, only life is a mean and dirty player. It plays games with you in such ways that you know, no matter how hard you try you are bound to lose or get a good penalty. In short, life won’t let you have it easily or just won’t let you have it at all.

 
It was a bright sunny autumn morning, I was happy, there was music and my eyes were staring right into the most beautiful eyes in the world. I was staring at a face happy to see me, a face telling me everything is going to be okay now…everything. I don’t know how I didn’t cry that morning, but every time I think of that dream now I cry. Not because I dreamed of my wedding, no…I cry because I wish I could dream that one dream again. But it won’t happen, I mean I have recurring dreams of being in war, falling from a hill, being stuck in a stupid elevator or being left by someone I love, but I know I will never have that dream again.Wtf!

 
I belong to the dark and twisted category, because I’m one of those who don’t have the luxury to fall in the color of love…!!

Thanks mom, but i think i will be okay with Science..!!

There is a thought running through my head, it won’t go. Last night, I was low and needed a hug. Well, I didn’t get one, so I just blogged, watched Glee and stayed glued to my headphones. I want to switch to another blog, one where I can start from the beginning, where I can talk things like they are… honest and blue. Yes, that’s the thing I want. I want to talk and get rid of the heaviness building inside every second of every day. Believe me I actually spent a good number of seconds thinking about a new name, while staring at the ceiling. But then it’s like going back to 1 year of my college.

 
In my first year of college, I was totally struggling to survive the pressure of being a science geek. All those formulas, diagrams, the laboratories, everything was killing me…by the end of the year my parents realized that they should have supported me when I wanted to take Arts. So my mom tells me that I should leave the program and they would be happy to see me do what I want to do, be an Arts student. At first the whole idea of kicking the Science out and away from my life felt too good, I was all excited and for a minute there I even started thinking of which college to apply in, but that’s where the problem came. By the end of the year, I had safely managed to make few friends and now there was no way I was going through another phase of being the new one.

 
Flashback, my first year of college was also our first year in this part of the country. Only few months back we had shifted from another city, leaving my school and my best friend. Every three years we used to do the drill of moving out of the city, but now it had been only a year and I had just managed to make few friends again. So the fear of being the new one, with no friends and another year of missing people hit me with doubts. I have always hated making and leaving friends, believe me. So i thanked my mom for the support and simply walked over the idea of getting rid of botanical leaf dissection, sodium phosphate, benzene and other crazy stuff i dreaded.


Now this blog is my first year of college. I started alone and soon found friends, made an identity and became small but a part of the blogging world. Now the idea of switching to another blog to speak my heart out is tempting, but what about the bloggers I follow and the ones who (still cant believe it) like me. Will they follow me there? Will they accept the new, real and unmasked me?

 
I don’t know, I couldn’t let go of it in college and I don’t know if I can do it now. I did my graduation in Science… what does that says? I’m afraid to let go.

 

Bounded & gagged….!!

She struggles with the chains

Bounded, gagged & in pain

She cant walk out of it

But she can still dream of it

She closes her eyes

Smiling, she know she will rise

One day she will find you

One day she will be all new

She cries out loud

As no one has found

She waits little more

Chained, her hands are red and sore

She knows its not over

Not yet

Bounded & gagged

She is dragged

In & out of reality

She lives in a trance

Only place she gets to dance

Like she wants

Is it dawn yet? Is it?

She asks again & again

Bounded, gagged & in pain…!!!!

Clumsy, Embarrassing yet Fun…

Last night i slept at 330, don’t ask me what i was doing. Have you ever had a moment where you aren’t sad or blue but angry, so angry, at everything and everyone? Because you know you can’t control life and its rules. Anyhow, last thing i did before i slept was Grey’s Anatomy. I think this show is coming to an end, not sure though. If it is…i will be little sad. There is a reason why i love Grey’s and 2 more shows…

So, today i felt like or rather I was Kate from French kiss movie.  You know how Meg Ryan’s character Kate keeps on breaking things and falling all over the places, well i was like that today. Well, it’s Saturday and being my favorite day it had to be fun, only it was also super clumsy and highly embarrassing. At one point the voices were totally laughing at me.

It was funny though, my friend and i had a good laugh. I was looking forward to this particular weekend, because i needed a day off for my haircut. My 10 to 8 job routine kills the daylight i need to drive to the city for my haircut, so today i had it all planned.  Woke up super late (as usual), had super late breakfast (i won’t even call it a breakfast, just munching) and went to pick my friend from her place. So the plan was to handover some CDs to my best friend’s house, get some coffee and then haircut. Simple and easy. What could go wrong? Well nothing went wrong it just went in a crazy way.

I reached at my friend’s place an hour late, which is okay I’m always late…so she didn’t kill me. We are arguing on which song to play, when suddenly i realize “Feck i forgot to pick the CDs”.  I couldn’t believe i forgot the only thing i was supposed to carry. Great! So we took a U-turn and went back my place.

Then when we were done collecting the CDs and delivering them to my friend’s house, we both decided to drive by our college. The college was closed (only opened for hostel girls), we tried to lie and convince the guard to let us in, but he refused to let us go beyond the reception gate. Despite the little embarrassing pleading with the guard i was happy were went inside. I miss my college and the visit took me back to days when i was weird, geeky but happy.

Everything was fine again, until i dropped what we ordered. Yeh! That’s where the big embarrassment thing came. We ordered our burgers, two cold coffees and French fries. We are talking and i have the food tray and i turn around and SPLASH the coffee comes crashing down on the floor, so hard that it spilled on some of the people’s shoes and probably on a guy’s trousers too. EMBARRASSING .Totally. Believe me at that point every person standing and sitting in that McDonald had his/her eye on me and i was like “Oops”.

This was followed by me losing my car keys, my friend losing her rings…luckily we both found our stuff.

So, the day is almost over, we are heading back and I’m like “you know what the day isn’t over yet” and we started laughing. I dropped her home and rushed to my mom to tell her about my hilarious, embarrassing and clumsy day.

-We drove back home for the CDs i forgot to pick

-We tried to make up stories to sneak into our college and were denied entry (safe way of saying were asked to leave by a rude guy)

-We (okay, I) spilled coffee on some nice people, ruining their shoes.

-I almost lost my keys

-My friend almost lost her rings

My mum wasn’t surprised because I’m sort of clumsy and that’s when i did it again. I broke a glass right there in front of her, minutes after i told her about the day. Big OOPS…Big one. I was like WoW…seriously? What’s the deal with you today?

Even as i sit in my room scripting about the day, I’m wondering is it over or do i still have things to drop or lose or break. Crazy Saturday, but good thing i got the haircut and a new keychain.  😉 ;P

Despite having a fun day, I’m sort of feeling low right now. Actually am feeling lonely, i wonder if it’s the college or the old CDs i was watching yesterday or the dream i woke up to. You know what i want to do? Create a new blog and be honest about things…everything.