Right now my head hurts; it feels like the voices are playing a boxing match only instead of hitting each other they are hitting the walls of my brain and whatever gray matter is in there. I guess that’s what happens when you are not used to a busy day, you just end up looking like a drunk… only you aren’t. I would also add the late nights in the list of guilty party, I mean I know I like the whole fantasy world of Vampires but I’m not one…and i need to acknowledge that.
Anyhow, it was one of those busy days where I’m usually not on my seat and miss my coffees or just have them cold and bad. I love busy days; they make me feel good about what I do (which is practically giving work to my team…nothing else). Being head of a department does sound appealing but believe me I was happier when I was one of those hard working juniors, there was so much to do. Now all I do is act (I have to) like a serious Team Lead and keep pestering the people with “Is that done?”, “why aren’t you on your seat?”, “Hey can you keep it low?”, “what? A leave? Why?”
I am a nice boss but I still have to ask these questions and act like I don’t like indiscipline, because that’s what you end up doing when you take up the stairs in the world of Private Sector. Only two kind of people are lucky, those working as junior executive (because they have real work to do, have things to learn and can afford to quit) and the top guns or the bosses (because they have no rules and don’t give a damn about missing deadlines, after all they make them and fire them at people).
Okay, so I had a busy day where I got exactly 10 minutes for lunch and I couldn’t even listen to Cough Syrup without being disturbed after every 2 minutes. But, that’s not what I want to write about…though i think i already have written enough.
Today another of my friend in my circle of friends, and colleagues, got married. Now it’s just my one friend and me (this statistics is based on my female friend circle… otherwise it should be 2 friends and me). I’m bad at maths, so bad that in my last year of studying Maths I celebrated my freedom all by myself with a bottle of Pepsi. But I will still try to do some creepy bad calculation and say that now 98% of population of my friend circle is married and that makes me nervous.
98% … wow! Almost all my friends are married and some even have cute little babies. Every time I hear about a friend getting married I end up into a weird state of Panic Attack. Why? Simple, because I can’t get married and I have no simple way to explain this to the eyes on me. My parents, my friends and other people who know me.
There are two reasons why I can’t and shouldn’t get married, despite the fact that I have once dreamt of being happily married. I can’t tell the first one, unless you wear a secret society robe and take a pledge to never tell. But the second reason is easy to talk about. Marriage is all about being grown-up, responsible and grown-up (i can add grown-up 5 times more). If you are not grown up enough you shouldn’t even dream of it (which I did).
Even if one day I wake up with a smile, lock my secret in a box and throw it in deep dark water and get married, how am I suppose to take care of people who welcomed me in their life while am busy juggling the voices, the darkness, the words inside and the imaginary love story I live every day.
98% is a big number and I’m sure the M word has started a journey towards me, only I don’t know how to handle or escape this unwanted scenario.
I imagine a day when
Mom-Dad: Your cousin just got married. Wasn’t she looking happy?
Me: a straight face
Mom-Dad: Don’t you think you should also start thinking about getting married? Maybe we should ask your aunts if they know some good looking knight in shining armor for you
Me: Straight face
Mom-Dad: are you seeing someone?
Me: Straight Face
Mom-Dad: Are you?
Me (suddenly realizing that I hadn’t spoken a single word): Aaa…hmm…Oh…hmm…aaa… I …what? Did you ask me something?
Mom-Dad: Rolling Eyes and silence
Truth is its going to be a difficult situation to tackle when my parents will go into the Our-daughter-should-get-married-now phase.
98%…? Really? So quick? What happened to the time? I mean 98%?