You die, when I smile…!!

Sometimes I think sadness makes me a better person, keeps me close to reality & human emotions as well as the niceness in me. Strange but true. Why am I saying this? Because of a realization that dawned upon me.

Last night, as I kept on blogging I had my eyes on my book and the voices kept telling me to turn off the system and read or work on my story. I didn’t go for the book but I did open the rough pages of my story with my characters calling me to work on them, but I didn’t. At first I didn’t give much thought to it, just blogged and slept. But the morning was different; as I walked with my Snowy for his morning business the voices told me something. They made me see the picture.

For past few days, weeks & months I have been ignoring and putting some things on hold. Things that need my attention, from my reading, my diploma assignments to Dominique. Dominique holds a special place in my heart, because despite being a work of fiction with lost of intense drama and movie kind of script, it has a part that talks of my story, my truth. Dominique is me, a little…in fact she is all that I couldn’t be, all that I’m and all that I wish I could be. But then why does it make me sad if I have put the story on hold for some time? Doesn’t every writer go through the Block phase? True, but that’s not why I couldn’t work on Dominique last night, that’s not why I can actually write down 5 pages right now without a problem.

Truth is my writing is so deeply connected to (or entangled in) my sadness that I can’t write when I’m happy. Isn’t that sad? My writing dies when I smile. The writer in me literally dies when I’m happy.

Happiness turns me into a soul who doesn’t care if someone is sad, good times make me forget my characters and sunshine hides the only thing that keeps me real…my writing. So I asked myself is it worth? I mean the pain. After all what kind of writer am I? I am not published and a blog doesn’t make you a potential candidate. So shouldn’t I like it when I’m happy instead of feeling guilty about being disconnected with the writer in me, the characters that make me real and the emotions?

Truth, honest truth, is that sadness makes me a better person and a writer I can’t be when I’m smiling (even if it’s the Helium Balloon Phase).

I felt like apologizing to Dominique…

You are my truth

& the reality I belong to

I seek forgiveness

For the ignorance

Even if it’s for a while

But you die,

When I smile…!!!