Sometimes I try to talk myself out of the weird state of doubts settled on me, like an algae that has gone bad. I would like to believe that I’m good at what I do, that irrespective of not being happy about working where I do; I do a hell of a good job.
I try to tell myself, that if I stop doing what I do people will have problems and maybe my non-working state will affect, a little but will affect, the task because i work hard. Why do i do that? Because I want to tell myself that it’s okay to not have the strength to find what’s right for you. I try to tell myself that if I cannot get up and walk out of my misery, because I think I’m not good, I’m still an important person in my current land of work. Sometimes when we complete a project, I tell myself “I played an important part in that and that I handled my part very nicely”.
This isn’t just about my job, where I often tell myself that “You are doing a good job”, “see, you are hardworking”, “your team knows how much efforts you put in”, “people who work with you, like you”. I do the same ritual in every day of my life. Narcissist? Maybe, but what else can you do if you know you are a wrecked ship going down and no one else is seeing you, stopping you or even trying to save you. When no one knows you need to be rescued, you try to do it in your own way.
Few years back, I was in a bad state…worse than this because I was too young to handle things. Now, I’m back to what I was then, only this time I’m not a 20-something college pass out. Let me tell a secret, I think I’m a good person and I have all the right to be happy. So, if I’m in tears and something is tearing me apart, I will tell myself “feck the rules, let’s go and eat something good”, “I know it hurts, but hey do you know you have some money to buy books”, “so what if you think people will hate you, you just bought a homeless kid a sandwich..See? You are not that bad”, “You are awesome”, etc , etc, etc.
O I can go on and on…I like to play a narcissist, fall in love with myself, do things to treat myself nice and tell myself that I’m a good person, that I try to help people where I can, that I work hard in my office and I deserve to spend foolishly on books, even if I don’t read them.
Today I was low, was wondering why I’m still working here (my office). So i told myself “you can quit anytime and get yourself something good, you just don’t want to leave because you have bigger battles to fight. You can quit whenever you want. But please wait”. I don’t know if that was meant to make myself happy or my boss…
I don’t know how many times i play this “you are an awesome person” game with myself…but if i don’t do this, i will not be able to stop myself from going back to being that dark- but-too-young -to-handle girl, i was once.
“No im not taking alcohol, its just brandy and i’m not feeling well..”