Yesterday i didn’t blog because i couldn’t…not because of the writer’s block, in fact the writer in me had too much to say. But the darkness looming inside was way too much for me to paint it here or anywhere else. Sometimes, when the colours go wrong, it’s better to not paint at all. So I just went for Dominique instead, it always helps.
Do you know how when we come to a point in our life where we first make a shocking face, surprised eye expression and then wonder how did we get here? I think we all lie and pretend at that very moment, i think we all knew that this day would come. We already knew, we just didn’t expected things to go that way.
Me: what d feck! What’s happening? How will i get out of this one?
Voices: you already know
Yes! I know a lot of things about tomorrow what i don’t know is if i can change them, change the course of life or if there is a way to escape events that are about to happen. So i pretend I’m lost, i pretend there is a choice, i pretend i will find a way.
Pretending does makes thing easy for a good amount of time period, believe me it does. You pretend nothing has changed and then for some time everything feels the same.
I’m a nice person, i keep on repeating that to myself hoping i would start believing in it and i do but is that a truth? Is it? There are people who are so bloody nice to me and I’m most of the time act like a pig. I sometimes look at girls who are crazy, as in really crazy, and i tell myself “still far better than being you”. That hurts… believe me when i reach to that point where i compare myself to the craziest people around me and yet give them the thumbs-up, it hurts.
Anyhow, it’s a stupid post today…because I’m sort of going through self-talk phase where i spend most of the time talking to myself and try to figure out what is happening.
No one knows how to kill a song like i do? Today i was on my headphones all day long listening to just one song (i did try to alter it with another one which was a bad idea). I happened to kill the song i liked so much, along with the alternate song. Bravo Little bravo. But i had to do it; i had to shut down the voices to get through the day. The good grown up voices inside me have been killing with things i already know. I already feel guilty for being me. The saner part of me is beating me up for being ignorant.
You know how when you built a boat and go on a journey knowing coast would change, people would change, weather would change, even sky would change, but you just never expected that the boat you are on would change too. It would start rusting on the outside, the paint would go and the engine would get old.