Leaving you guys with an amazing Gaga song:
Before I became me, I was just a young girl who liked Nancy Drew and Britney Spears. I often believed growing up and getting a job would instantly make me a happy person, because I will be a grown up and grown ups get to do what they want. Let me tell you it is all wrong, being a grown up is a myth. For me it is , I am 26 and next month I will be 27 and there is not a single iota in my body that feels like a grown up. Though I wish I was one, would have saved many people lots of trouble.
I have a problem I live with voices in my head and a hope in my heart, both belong to different part of the world. While the voices keep begging me to sober up and act like a 26 years old, the hope smiles at me to tell me i deserve to feel what everyone else feels, love, happiness and freedom.
How do I decide now? Whom should I opt for? Should I just end up being a grown up and make the most practical decisions of my life and please everyone and be someone I never was and never will be. Or should I live with a dream, a hope and an impossible belief that would only make me never see reality. I’m torn apart but it’s something i have been living with for past few years and will have to live with for little more. Even if I give up my hope and walk down the aisle of reality I can’t let go of the dream inside me. Because the day I gave up on the dream I will be an empty sad little body with no soul.
I am not really looking forward to my birthday, because of many reasons and one of them is the fact that it’s a cold reminder of being a grown up. Sure I don’t look 26 0r 27, but it’s not about the look, the skin or the beauty of youth.
How long before I explode into million pieces of emptiness? What does growing up exactly means? Truth is one day I will no longer be me, one day I will live as someone else and smile like someone else, talk and breath like an another person. I’m afraid of losing myself to someone I do not wish to be. I don’t feel old I feel lost.
Every night when I turn off the lights and hug myself to tears, I wonder if I will ever stop feeling like this. There are no miracles like the one I need but I still can’t let go of hope and dream.
I refuse to let go of you
I refuse to admit there is no you
You are somewhere
Waiting for me to come to you
Someday we will walk together
Like songbirds in love forever
I will have you by my side
I will not pretend or hide
I refuse to believe in darkness
Or colour life with blackness
Someday i will wake up to you
Sun will rise and show
Me to you
Someday the emptiness
Will wash away and go
Someday i will say
I’m so yours, proudly so…!!!!
Me (looking the watch): 10? I have so much time, i can sleep
Me (looking the watch): 1130? Oh come one, i have time i can sleep
Me (looking the watch): 12? Hmm just 5 minutes more
Me (looking the watch): 1? fEck… aaaaaaaa….
So I turn into Mutant Quicksilver and in a record breaking speed get all ready in 15 minutes
Me (calling my friend who was supposed to pick me as I don’t have my car): Hi
My friend: Two minutes
My friend: Come downstairs
Me: its 1:32 and we have a movie at 1:35
My friend: Feck
Okay, so that’s how the day started. We did miss the beginning of the movie to the part where Batman comes back to Gotham city. How was the movie? I don’t know if there is a word bigger than Awesome? Maybe, Bloody Awesome. I mean I wouldn’t be lying if I said I was little scared because Spider-man disappointed me and I didn’t know what to expect from Batman. But Christopher Nolan is the man, he is like brilliant. Last one hour of the movie was WOW. Dark Knight Rises rocks.
How was Anne Hathaway? Well I love her and was looking forward to seeing her in the action mode, but I did felt bad for her part. I mean she has this grey side to her and she is too good looking to play that, but she was good. Well Joker movie was awesome but this one goes beyond that. My favorite scene was when commissioner lights up the fire and the wall brightens up with Bat sign. So heavy. A Super Hero movie that almost made me cry.
Maybe it’s me, but I think Batman outdid Spider-man which is sad in a way because Spider man is my favorite Super Hero.
Well, it was long day today. I also had a good workout today after a long time and have decided to continue this one every day. Man! It feels good to sweat.
The day ended with a family dinner at my aunt’s place which was a difficult situation for me to handle. I’m incapable of behaving like a social animal in front of people, specially my relatives. I just don’t know who to react, i don’t know how to find the right words to start a conversation. Most of the times I get to hear how I don’t take out time for visiting them. Fortunately, I survived the dinner. Truth be told, I’m scared of all my relatives.
One more day to go before its back to being Batman for me.
Okay I know it’s so unlike me to update two posts in one night, but it’s Friday night and I just saw pilot episode of Grey’s Anatomy. I couldn’t stop myself, I could either write it in my diary but like I posted few minutes ago I don’t do diary anymore or I could talk to my dog who is busy sleeping on my bed. So here I’m blogging again.
Well I was planning to make myself a cup of coffee and watch Winona movie but I just did something else entirely. Not only did I go for a cup of tea instead of coffee, I also went for an old episode instead of a movie. I thought why not watch Glee but while I was searching Glee I ended up clicking on some random episode of Grey’s Anatomy from season 8 and I was like “hmm lets watch Grey’s but something from another season”. And that’s how I ended up clicking on season 1 episode 1.
Man! I forgot how it all began. Derek was looking so young and hot and total McDreamy. Oh and I loved watching Izzie and George again. I just don’t get it why they had to leave, I mean why. I don’t have other episodes from season 1 but I wish to and plan to download them and rewatch all of them, just for the sake of it. I think the reason why I love GA is because it keeps me close to human emotions, thus keeping me on ground and feel life. And then of course there is the characters George, Derek, Callie, Robin, Christina, Alex and everyone else. My favourite scene from the show “Your are my person” .
So I guess I should go now. Its 2:58 AM in my country, raining good outside and I have a Batman movie to go to tomorrow. Goodnight world!
Voices: Really? You freak me someetimes
Me: Guess what? the feeling is mutual
Voices: Hmm, you should not try mean. Doesn’t suits you.
Voices: oh i heard there is an opening in a secret Vampire club
Me (Grinning): I’m not a vampire, its just Friday night and i love Grey’s Anatomy
Voices: Sure, if you say so Freak
Me: I heard that
Voices: O00h i’m scared
Me: Rolling eyes
Yesterday I went through few random pages of my dairy and it made me happy. It was kind of a nice feeling to read all that and relive a particular day in my mind, all over again. This is why I feel guilty for not writing diary anymore, because there is no record of my life and how I felt everyday. While, my blog does tell how I felt everyday it really doesn’t talk of people I love and not love to have around me.
Did you see how I said not love instead of hate? I don’t hate anyone in my life, even people who aren’t nice to me. I think hate is a big emotion and I really don’t have that in me for anyone, because I’m too busy judging myself to use such word for anyone else.
Okay coming back to the diary, well I do this a lot; I go through my old diaries from school time, college days and my early office years. I do this just on am impulse to feel what I felt in past. I just pick a random diary from random year and read few pages and laugh (sometimes cry) on how things were and how I was.
I don’t write dairy anymore but I still get excited when I see a new dairy in a shop. Most of my diaries will tell you the same story about me, that I was a girl to whom her friends meant everything in every phase of her life, a girl who went through series of bad nights for months after every phase of shifting a place and a girl who likes herself but often blames herself for things. You know funny thing is no one will ever find the real story of me in my diaries, so it’s like even if you did get your hands on one of my little books you will not find out what’s my real issue. Infact if you want to know me, start watching shows i watch.
I have been thinking about doing something about my diaries, because they take a lot of space in my wardrobe and also I really don’t think I should keep them with me because my mom is always curios about them. But it would hurt me to get rid of them, once my diaries were all I had. Its like my dairy was my best friend, I shared things on my mind with pages when I didn’t had people to talk to. You know no one hears you as good as a page living inside a dairy. How can I get rid of them? What will I do when I feel like having a trip back memory lane? How will I get to read old pages of words talking about a girl who never stayed in one place for too long? You know I think it’s a nice way to give my introduction: the girl who never stayed in one place for too long. How cool is that? I think I can write a book on me but i rather not.
Its midnight and I crave for ice-cream or a pudding, should have bought one while coming from office. Maybe I can make a cup of coffee for me. I also crave for a Winona Ryder movie, so maybe I will look for a movie. What about “Girl Interrupted or Reality Bites”? I recently saw Addicted to Love again (have lost the count of Meg Ryan movies) and I was happy. I think there is no one as awesome as Meg Ryan and never will be. Sorry Hollywood but that’s the truth.
Funny thing is I was going to do a post on Lady Gaga today, but I went on talking about last night’s dairy visit. So I will leave you guys with a Gaga song. This one is my anthem and I love it more than any song. I love every remix and every cover version of this one because it’s awesome. So freaking awesome. Baby I was born this way…..!!!!!!
What’s wrong with the world? Why am I hearing bad news everywhere? I mean Kstew cheated on Rob? Really, oh man, it just screws up my Bella-Edward thing. Hope its all some publicity stunt. (Yes, like I said before I’m that girl, the one who gets sad for celebrities).
Well, if this wasn’t enough I get to read that the TIGHAR project has been suspended. What? No, no no. Oh come on. Please go find Lockheed, I mean I already have so much of Revenge and PLL eating my head with mysteries. Okay let’s be serious, to be honest this whole project dedicated towards finding Amelia Earhart’s long lost plane was close to my heart. I really find myself pulled towards mysteries and nothing makes me more excited than the story of Amelia Earhart and George Mallory. Their courage and passion inspire me, but what happened to them is a question I can’t get out of my head.
I have been Amelia’s fan since I saw Night at the museum; I then watched Amelia, read the book and did the research. George Mallory is a legend for me, his passion for climbing, his love for his wife and his untold story makes me wonder what really happened that day. Did he or did he not make it to the top?
I feel bad about the TIGHAR project going down; I mean I thought we had all the technology now. Didn’t we find Titanic? Well I guess some questions arent meant to be answered and who should know that more than me. If only…
Tonight I wish to sleep little early, not early enough but still.
Leaving you guys with Christina Perri’s Arms, because i think she is awesome. Her Breaking Dawn song has been a great source of inspiration behind many of my love theme posts.
Today I went green, like Hulk green, all angry but now that I think about it I wasn’t angry on something that happened during the day. I was angry on just everything that is beyond my control. I often imagine myself living in a world I don’t know, a city I never went, a house i never saw and a life I can never have. Why? Pain killer, works for a while making me feel better and forget reality.
Anyhow, now that I’m all cooled down I think it wasn’t about anything at all. I have been beating myself up lately for so many things, just blaming and blaming. Truth is I think I’m a nice person, a good person; I haven’t done anything I should have never done. Yet, I’m the bad guy or I will be.
Imagine if life was as easy as they show things on screen, on TV and movies.
Yesterday when I uploaded a small chapter from Dominique I realized how much I craved for approvals and reviews. I don’t know why I want people to like Dominique, despite the fact that it’s not a story many people are going to like. But yes I do wish to spend some more time on it during weekend. I was once a person who could write and write or read and read. I miss that ME. I remember how I was girl who liked to blurt out things to make people laugh. Every time some used to tell me that I have a good sense of humor or I’m a funny girl, I used to dance inside my head. Often, I go back to those chapters of memories where it was just so easy to say something silly and make people laugh.
Now, I’m just someone who fights with anger and agony all the time. What happened to the awesome Me. Why have I become someone who wakes up every morning puts up a loud song in the morning, while brushing, to set up a mood and a smile to wear for the rest of the day? Why have i become someone who is angry all the time?
I miss the awesome me, I miss the funny me, I miss the less pretentious me and of course I miss the old friends of me. Do you know sometime i wish I wasn’t the nice goody girl, I mean I wish I had been a crazy party girl, someone with boyfriend stories and all that.
Okay here is a secret, the only crazy thing I ever did was – I once dated an ex of one of my very good friend. It wasn’t exactly dating, but we were like SMS dating and all this because I wanted to prove something to myself. Well I think it was crazy for someone like me, because I have never even lied to my mother about bunking classes. She always knew when I was and when I wasn’t at my college.
Today I crave for Glee, lots and lots of Glee, but I think I would have to do with Pretty Little Liars for now. Which by the way is going to drive me crazy with all “Who is A?” thing. I mean every episode is like “he is A” “No she is A” “Wait a minute they are A”…well I did guess things so far but now after season2, I’m all confused. I wonder how I would react after the last episode of last season, because it’s impossible to imagine a world without PLL episodes.
Often I find myself watching this one particular scene from Glee; I re-watch it again and again, despite the fact that it hurts me more than it makes me smile. I just don’t know why I do that…or may be I know.
Dear American Television Guys,
Seriously, stop giving such long breaks between show seasons.
Just sharing a small part from Dominique.
Sally’s words were haunting me and nothing else mattered now, nothing. Kristine was alive, after all these months and years, she was alive.
“Hey are you okay?”
“Tell me more, please.” I begged. I could see the paleness of my face in her eyes, as she looked at me with a worried look. “Sally, tell me where can I find her? And what do you mean by she might be dead?”
“Wait” she walked away and left me with thousands of questions. My mind was running faster than ever, my heart was about to explode and my feet were shaking. Was Kristine alive? Was she in danger? Is it too late? Have I lost her?
“Here have some water and sit down please. It’s a long story” Sally handed me a glass of water and had some sandwiches with her. Although I hadn’t eaten for past 12 hours, I couldn’t even look at what was ahead me.
“Sally, please, tell me is she okay? And where can I find her?”
“I don’t know her name, I don’t know who she is but I do know that she was here for a week, before…”
“Before what?” I snapped
“Before, they took her away. She was brought here like everyone else but she was just lost. Her health was a concern and what I heard was that she had wasted a lot of time of these guys”
“Health?” O God! Kristine where are you? I asked myself
“When I was brought here by Toby I was new and scared and of course I tried to runaway a lot of time. Once I found myself on my own in one of their dressing room and I tried to escape, that’s when I got lost and found myself in a room with her and those bastards” Sally stopped but I gave her a look that said go on.
“I was hiding behind a big table and I heard them quarreling among themselves, one of the guy was getting angry at Seth for bringing a girl who was crazy and could hardly stand straight” “she was sitting on a chair her head down and lost, to me she felt like a junkie” she took a deep breath and continued “before they all left the room I heard the angry guy tell Seth to get rid of her as she was not going to get them any business.”
By business I knew what the angry guy meant, Kristine wasn’t helping them with the videos but what did mean by get rid of her?
“Sally do you know anything else?”
“Who is this Seth guy? Where can I find him?” I was desperate and she could see it in my eyes
“I don’t now anything else but I can help you find Seth, he often visits Toby in our dressing room.” She said “he and Toby are just guys who manage the shoot and get girls”
Seth was my only hope but the thought that it might be too late was killing me. Is it possible that I lost Kristine again? Did I lose too much time believing she was dead?
“But how will you ask Seth?” she asked with an expression that said she already knew my answer
“He will tell me. He will tell me everything or I will kill him” I got up and walked away
“Call me when you find Seth” I said before I got out of her apartment.
It was raining outside but it didn’t matter to me, nothing did. I walked in the rain, getting drenched and cold but all that I could feel was fear and anger. How could I believe she died? Why didn’t I look for her hard? Why did I give up on hope? What if she was alive and waiting for help? What if she thought someone would come looking for her? Kristine where are you?
I drove in rain with tears flowing down my cheeks, I had to find her. But before that I needed something and I knew where to find it. After driving for 30 minutes in a rain that was in no mood to stop, I knocked on a door I never thought I would visit. Vladimir opened the door with a surprised look on his face. He knew why I was here and he didn’t ask me any question, as he let me in. After offering a cup of coffee and a towel, Vladimir got me a box. All this while we did not speak and he knew there was no point. Putting back my hoodie jacket on, I took the box and walked away.
Before I stepped out, Vladimir spoke “Don’t use unless you are sure. This is some serious shit” and he walked inside closing the door on me. I took out the gun and threw away the box, because I knew I didn’t buy it to keep it in a box.
To be continued…!!!!
It was just a crazy day, super crazy, because i banged my car into another car and its all dented and sad looking scene. It was a crazy scene, everything happened so slowly reminding of the scene from Twilight book where the author Stephenie Meyer describes Bella’s accident in a slow motion. Im driving thinking something, but i had my eyes on the road. There is this car right in front of me and so im super slow, suddenly this car on the turn starts coming towards me and it keeps coming and im like “okay he will stop, okay he will stop,, hey stop, hey, hey DUDDEE…BANG” 😦
So i get out and turn into this she-HULK because i was just hit by a car for no reason. Well we go into an argument, luckily a nice angel god-sent man was standing there when it happened and he came forward to fight for me.
The Driver: Okay okay let’s settle this peacefully
The Angel Man: why don’t you both park your car to the side of the road…
Me: O feck my car keys and phone
Both the men: what happened?
Me: I locked myself out of my car..Dammit
Yes, that happened. Not only did i end up in a stupid accident for no fault of mine, i also left my keys and my phone inside the car. Now i don’t have any number with me. I can’t call my office to tell them am stuck will be late or call my home and ask for the car keys. Luckily i was on my way to my friend’s house and she came to my rescue.
It was a horrible afternoon. Just horrible. I’m thankful to god for keeping me safe and making sure there was a nice guy right there when i needed a support, but I’m also super sad for my car. Luckily no one at my home is mad at me for denting my new car. I thought i was going to get in trouble , but nice thing happened nobody said a thing. Phew! Saved.
But my car. Now im back on my scooter for few days.
Okay, so let’s talk about something else before i go all emotional again. I thought i would finish my book in 2 or 3 days but, well guess what, i left the book in between and started with another. The book i was reading was a Rizzoli and Isles series by Tess Gerritsen, its fine but I’m getting all confused with the story and so i decided to take a break. Great i can’t even mange to finish one book. But i am glad i started with Harry Potter, it’s awesome.
Today, im going to leave you guys with one of my favorite Ellen video because i think she is awesome. And the video is super funny and always cracks me up and i think i needed to watch it today.