Agony is a strong feeling, unless you are a member of club blue it is hard to actually see the word as something more than a word. It takes every muscle in the body to cover up an agonized faced when trying to pretend everything is okay.
Sometimes I don’t want anyone to see me, because it hurts to keep up a straight smiling face all the time and I can’t afford to be me. I have no answers; have no reasons, no stories to tell…. there was this line in Vampire Diaries “When someone asks how are you? They really don’t want an answer”. How true is that? I don’t know but I guess it is true to some extent. Not many people like to be friends with those who are friends wish agony. I never know why live on this side of the road, the one with no one. As I sit and watch others on the other side smiling, happy and peaceful I ask myself or rather beg myself to just get up and cross the road and never look back. How easy is that? To say pretty easy but to not be me is impossible.
Today I’m agonized by the thought that one day I will be broken beyond repair and there will be no one to call. It’s not that I don’t have friends or family, it’s that I have pain and it’s just inside me. I’m agonized with the fact that one fine day everyone will say “told you so”.
Truth is, agony is like a condition that makes it hard to feel normal, the whole emotions come rushing at anytime anywhere and there is no immediate and effective relief potion or remedy. I don’t know why I’m sad right now, maybe I know. I was blue and listening to sad songs when my friend called. She was sad and was sharing all the details about her day. I listened to her and then tried to talk to her and tried to make her see the better side. At that point I wondered she doesn’t even know what’s going in my mind. Why can’t I fix myself like I fix her? It is so easy to talk to her, tell her what went wrong, who was wrong, how can she mend things gone wrong etc etc. She always finds it helpful, my advice. How do I do it? It’s like chess. Being the third person, watching it from another angle makes everything so easy to deal with, but when you are the one in the game or situation there is just anxiety, stress and agony.
Someday, maybe someday, I will feel something that has no touch of agony. I wish to live a moment when I can’t remember what it feels to not feel like there is a dagger inside me. I wish to not be the person who has to close her eyes when a sudden rush of stubborn tears threatens to destroy the fake appearance in a crowded room.
Till then i shall keep quoting “You are a lone reed, standing tall, waving boldly” from You’ve Got Mail…!!!!