Today I went green, like Hulk green, all angry but now that I think about it I wasn’t angry on something that happened during the day. I was angry on just everything that is beyond my control. I often imagine myself living in a world I don’t know, a city I never went, a house i never saw and a life I can never have. Why? Pain killer, works for a while making me feel better and forget reality.
Anyhow, now that I’m all cooled down I think it wasn’t about anything at all. I have been beating myself up lately for so many things, just blaming and blaming. Truth is I think I’m a nice person, a good person; I haven’t done anything I should have never done. Yet, I’m the bad guy or I will be.
Imagine if life was as easy as they show things on screen, on TV and movies.
Yesterday when I uploaded a small chapter from Dominique I realized how much I craved for approvals and reviews. I don’t know why I want people to like Dominique, despite the fact that it’s not a story many people are going to like. But yes I do wish to spend some more time on it during weekend. I was once a person who could write and write or read and read. I miss that ME. I remember how I was girl who liked to blurt out things to make people laugh. Every time some used to tell me that I have a good sense of humor or I’m a funny girl, I used to dance inside my head. Often, I go back to those chapters of memories where it was just so easy to say something silly and make people laugh.
Now, I’m just someone who fights with anger and agony all the time. What happened to the awesome Me. Why have I become someone who wakes up every morning puts up a loud song in the morning, while brushing, to set up a mood and a smile to wear for the rest of the day? Why have i become someone who is angry all the time?
I miss the awesome me, I miss the funny me, I miss the less pretentious me and of course I miss the old friends of me. Do you know sometime i wish I wasn’t the nice goody girl, I mean I wish I had been a crazy party girl, someone with boyfriend stories and all that.
Okay here is a secret, the only crazy thing I ever did was – I once dated an ex of one of my very good friend. It wasn’t exactly dating, but we were like SMS dating and all this because I wanted to prove something to myself. Well I think it was crazy for someone like me, because I have never even lied to my mother about bunking classes. She always knew when I was and when I wasn’t at my college.
Today I crave for Glee, lots and lots of Glee, but I think I would have to do with Pretty Little Liars for now. Which by the way is going to drive me crazy with all “Who is A?” thing. I mean every episode is like “he is A” “No she is A” “Wait a minute they are A”…well I did guess things so far but now after season2, I’m all confused. I wonder how I would react after the last episode of last season, because it’s impossible to imagine a world without PLL episodes.
Often I find myself watching this one particular scene from Glee; I re-watch it again and again, despite the fact that it hurts me more than it makes me smile. I just don’t know why I do that…or may be I know.
Dear American Television Guys,
Seriously, stop giving such long breaks between show seasons.