Breaking into a million pieces of emptiness…!!!!

Before I became me, I was just a young girl who liked Nancy Drew and Britney Spears. I often believed growing up and getting a job would instantly make me a happy person, because I will be a grown up and grown ups get to do what they want. Let me tell you it is all wrong, being a grown up is a myth. For me it is , I am 26 and next month I will be 27 and there is not a single iota in my body that feels like a grown up. Though I wish I was one, would have saved many people lots of trouble.

I have a problem I live with voices in my head and a hope in my heart, both belong to different part of the world. While the voices keep begging me to sober up and act like a 26 years old, the hope smiles at me to tell me i deserve to feel what everyone else feels, love, happiness and freedom.

How do I decide now? Whom should I opt for? Should I just end up being a grown up and make the most practical decisions of my life and please everyone and be someone I never was and never will be. Or should I live with a dream, a hope and an impossible belief that would only make me never see reality.  I’m torn apart but it’s something i have been living with for past few years and will have to live with for little more. Even if I give up my hope and walk down the aisle of reality I can’t let go of the dream inside me. Because the day I gave up on the dream I will be an empty sad little body with no soul.

I am not really looking forward to my birthday, because of many reasons and one of them is the fact that it’s a cold reminder of being a grown up. Sure I don’t look 26 0r 27, but it’s not about the look, the skin or the beauty of youth.

How long before I explode into million pieces of emptiness? What does growing up exactly means? Truth is one day I will no longer be me, one day I will live as someone else and smile like someone else, talk and breath like an another person. I’m afraid of losing myself to someone I do not wish to be. I don’t feel old I feel lost.

Every night when I turn off the lights and hug myself to tears, I wonder if I will ever stop feeling like this. There are no miracles like the one I need but I still can’t let go of hope and dream.