Breaking into a million pieces of emptiness…!!!!

Before I became me, I was just a young girl who liked Nancy Drew and Britney Spears. I often believed growing up and getting a job would instantly make me a happy person, because I will be a grown up and grown ups get to do what they want. Let me tell you it is all wrong, being a grown up is a myth. For me it is , I am 26 and next month I will be 27 and there is not a single iota in my body that feels like a grown up. Though I wish I was one, would have saved many people lots of trouble.

I have a problem I live with voices in my head and a hope in my heart, both belong to different part of the world. While the voices keep begging me to sober up and act like a 26 years old, the hope smiles at me to tell me i deserve to feel what everyone else feels, love, happiness and freedom.

How do I decide now? Whom should I opt for? Should I just end up being a grown up and make the most practical decisions of my life and please everyone and be someone I never was and never will be. Or should I live with a dream, a hope and an impossible belief that would only make me never see reality.  I’m torn apart but it’s something i have been living with for past few years and will have to live with for little more. Even if I give up my hope and walk down the aisle of reality I can’t let go of the dream inside me. Because the day I gave up on the dream I will be an empty sad little body with no soul.

I am not really looking forward to my birthday, because of many reasons and one of them is the fact that it’s a cold reminder of being a grown up. Sure I don’t look 26 0r 27, but it’s not about the look, the skin or the beauty of youth.

How long before I explode into million pieces of emptiness? What does growing up exactly means? Truth is one day I will no longer be me, one day I will live as someone else and smile like someone else, talk and breath like an another person. I’m afraid of losing myself to someone I do not wish to be. I don’t feel old I feel lost.

Every night when I turn off the lights and hug myself to tears, I wonder if I will ever stop feeling like this. There are no miracles like the one I need but I still can’t let go of hope and dream.

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8 thoughts on “Breaking into a million pieces of emptiness…!!!!

  1. I can say, that I know exactly how you feel, except I wasn’t aware of all those emotions at your age. You have a clear insight on yourself, some might say, of course you do, but really very few people know themselves, when it comes down to feelings. I see this every day, in people who are supposed to be even more grown up than you.
    I don’t wanna sound old or know-better-ish, but I can tell you this, from the bottom of my heart: Don’t ever change yourself or your dreams for anybody, don’t try to please your family and friends or whoever expect things from you. If they love you, and deserve you, they will support you in every way they can, and if they don’t, then that is their choise, and you are better off without them. It sounds a bit hard, but it’s the truth. Don’t let go of your dreams. Do what you can to make them come true, regardless of how other people think of it and of you. Regret is a terrible thing to live with. Try to follow your dreams, you might succeed, and it will be great, you might fail, and then you will have learnt from it and at least you can say to yourself, that you did your best.
    About feeling grown up … I’m not sure that is even possible. I still feel like a teenager in so many ways, even though I’ll turn 45 in September. I don’t feel grown up at all ever. I’m not even sure, it’s a good thing to feel grown up. Maybe we stay young at heart for a reason, too keep us alive and kicking? I think it might be so 🙂

    • Dear Pia, you are super sweet to me you know that..
      you are amazing..thankyou for that
      its hard to carry onto something which is never going to happen..
      If only life was Glee or any other TV show..
      i cant blame people because im different ..if only it was easy..
      funny thing is i do not regret myself..i am just at the right place at wrong time.
      as far as being grown up is concerned it is funny that one never feels grown up… 🙂
      your birthday is coming up? what date?

      • I’m so glad, you don’t regret yourself, you never should. I wish I knew what that dream is, that you think never will come true. But whatever it is, don’t let go of it, unless it hurts you more having it, than letting go of it will.
        Oh, and you’re so welcome, you’re super sweet to me, you know! 🙂

  2. laughing… I am 56 and sometimes wonder who’s that grey beard in the mirror. That quiet voice inside will tell you which choice is the right one. Collect the necessary information, and then follow your heart and the quiet voice. Sometimes it is the hard choice. There, easy to be all grown up.

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