My mom asked me what I want for my birthday and I said nothing, while they think I’m being nice and shy I on the other hand mean it. I do not wish for anything, no gifts, nothing. I do not even wish to treat my birthday like any special day. If it was up to me I would rather sleep till afternoon, get up after 1pm, stay in my jammies all day and watch some episodes, write Dominique and go out to buy me a cup of ice-cream, only to come back into my room with no “Happy Birthday” wishes from anyone.
But that just me and of course it’s not easy to escape. Although I was once a girl who didn’t like this attitude of people who said “its just a birthday, I do not wish to make a big deal out of it”. It used to make me mad because I always thought people lie when they say it’s just a birthday. I guess I was wrong.
So what do I want for my birthday? Maybe I do want something only it’s not mine to ask for. I will never ask for things I want, I will never seek for things I need.
Being me is not bad, but it just takes all that you can give because pretending to be happy is one thing and pretending to be like everyone is another. I do both. How? Didn’t I tell you before I’m AWESOME? I’m wrong but I’m awesome.
Most of the time when I’m low, which doesn’t happen slowly blues hit me like a punch out of nowhere, it just sweeps the floor beneath me. No matter how awesome you are, you are never ready for that one moment when it hits you right there on the face. Reality is a mean little thing, but again if you are as awesome as me, you get up again and show a finger to it. What else can you do? Pretend and lie and be awesome. It’s all wrong but it’s all that you have got. It’s like wearing the invisibility clock from Harry Potter, people don’t get to see or know you, and they think they do only they don’t. No I don’t practise smiling in mirror; I’m just awesome without any practise.
“When reality killed me with truth, I was reborn with awesomeness and power to pretend till eternity.”
Sometimes I wish I was born with a talent for music. I could just write and sing songs and be little more awesome. But all I have is talent to be love my loved ones and that’s all I do, while being a constant liar and pretender. I’m wrong all the time, most of the time, but I wish I had ways to undo. But then funny thing is I would not undo a bit of anything, except maybe I would change my hairstyle if I get to go back again in past or probably eat little more healthy. But other than that, I ain’t changing a second of it even if everything I ever did was wrong.
I have a major love-hate relationship with myself, while I love myself a lot and spend a lot of my time pampering myself I also hate my actions, things I say or do to hurt people.
Truth is you can’t be wrong and awesome, like I said there is no win-win. But you can pretend to be wrong and awesome, only I hope you don’t ever have to because it takes super power people.