The day i couldn’t be Awesome…!!!!

Today someone said something that has hit me hard. Who and what isn’t important, but the words said have stuck inside me like a dagger. I can’t erase them.

Truth is I’m not myself today, I’m not even awesome today. My mind refuses to lie, process things, act cool and believe in hope or faith. I think today even the voices are feeling bad for me.

Just wasn’t my day, its like I almost had a breakdown today. My head hurts right now. I will be dropping dead early tonight. I know what I need, book shopping and a haircut. I need to save myself, cause am breaking into a million pieces and I’m afraid nobody is aware of it.

An update on early morning badminton routine. You would be happy to know I have been getting up early only my friend hasn’t showed up, so no gaming. But hey I didn’t fail myself. Yay! Go Little.

Since am blogging through phone I can’t upload a song, so leaving with a suggestion “keep looking up” by Landon Pigg.

Re-born with awesomeness and power to pretend till eternity…!!!!

My mom asked me what I want for my birthday and I said nothing, while they think I’m being nice and shy I on the other hand mean it. I do not wish for anything, no gifts, nothing. I do not even wish to treat my birthday like any special day. If it was up to me I would rather sleep till afternoon, get up after 1pm, stay in my jammies all day and watch some episodes, write Dominique and go out to buy me a cup of ice-cream, only to come back into my room with no “Happy Birthday” wishes from anyone.

But that just me and of course it’s not easy to escape. Although I was once a girl who didn’t like this attitude of people who said “its just a birthday, I do not wish to make a big deal out of it”. It used to make me mad because I always thought people lie when they say it’s just a birthday. I guess I was wrong.

So what do I want for my birthday? Maybe I do want something only it’s not mine to ask for. I will never ask for things I want, I will never seek for things I need.

Being me is not bad, but it just takes all that you can give because pretending to be happy is one thing and pretending to be like everyone is another. I do both. How? Didn’t I tell you before I’m AWESOME? I’m wrong but I’m awesome.

Most of the time when I’m low, which doesn’t happen slowly blues hit me like a punch out of nowhere, it just sweeps the floor beneath me. No matter how awesome you are, you are never ready for that one moment when it hits you right there on the face. Reality is a mean little thing, but again if you are as awesome as me, you get up again and show a finger to it. What else can you do? Pretend and lie and be awesome. It’s all wrong but it’s all that you have got. It’s like wearing the invisibility clock from Harry Potter, people don’t get to see or know you, and they think they do only they don’t. No I don’t practise smiling in mirror; I’m just awesome without any practise.

“When reality killed me with truth, I was reborn with awesomeness and power to pretend till eternity.”

Sometimes I wish I was born with a talent for music. I could just write and sing songs and be little more awesome. But all I have is talent to be love my loved ones and that’s all I do, while being a constant liar and pretender. I’m wrong all the time, most of the time, but I wish I had ways to undo. But then funny thing is I would not undo a bit of anything, except maybe I would change my hairstyle if I get to go back again in past or probably eat little more healthy. But other than that, I ain’t changing a second of it even if everything I ever did was wrong.

I have a major love-hate relationship with myself, while I love myself a lot and spend a lot of my time pampering myself I also hate my actions, things I say or do to hurt people.

Truth is you can’t be wrong and awesome, like I said there is no win-win. But you can pretend to be wrong and awesome, only I hope you don’t ever have to because it takes super power people.

When darkness becomes a place to close to heart…!!!!

In my efforts to distance myself from people around I have forgotten what it feels like to have fun. While last two days were spent having good time, enjoying slumber party, late night coffees and horror movies, board games and pillow fights, I also realized that it’s not something I cant afford to have much. You cant make people stay away from you while having the time of your life, there is no win-win in life. At least not in mine.

Well a very tiring but pretty good weekend has come to an end, time for Gotham city and I’m sort of ready for it. Because my body is so much used to cribbing and complaining that days spent not doing so end up exhausting me. Sometime I wonder if there is possible for me to get out of my blues ever, I mean if tomorrow miraculously life gives me what I want, everything gets fixed on its own, everyone is happy  and there is no more secrets, would I know how to behave? Would I know how to smile and un-friend agony? Would I miss getting angry and blaming everything?

I mean I can’t even spend one day without feeling guilty and worried about having a good time and feeling anything other than anger and agony. But I’m also sort of confused with my own self. Really it’s hard to explain but my current state of mind is totally confused and I’m not sure why. Actually there is so  much going on in my mind but I refuse to talk about it. I refuse to let them come out and tear me like a dagger; I refuse to deal with them like everyone else. What’s on my mind shall stay inside and I will deal with it my way.

Sometimes i feel like hugging myself and telling myself everything is not going to be okay but you are not alone.

Though I did miss working on Dominique, reading, blogging and lying on my bed all day refusing to do anything. I missed it all, but I wouldn’t be lying if I said I was happy to have been away.

Okay so from tomorrow I am starting with morning workout and I think this is going to be little challenging for me. Because people who know me have refused to believe I will go through it, but hey I can surprise them. Also I can’t afford to play after office anymore, thanks to the changing weather. So I got to plan things for me. Plan A to get up early, play, get ready for the day and come back home early and go to bed early. Plan-B to do everything to make Plan-A work. Yay! Go Little.

To do some time management I also plan to dedicate Friday and Saturday night for Dominique. Okay I have almost made a timetable, days set for workout, nights planned for writing and now all I need is to make sure I go to bed on time. Because a sleepless me is going to be the first thing to destroy it all.

What do you guys think? Can I do it? Can I get up early and make the schedule work? Will find out tomorrow.

 

More from Dominique part 3 …..!!!!

As i drove away from the prison, all i could think of was Dominique. What happened Dom? What happened?  I asked. Seeing Dominique like this brought old dusty memories alive. I couldn’t help but think of the time when Dominique was trying to fix me.

“You know you think too much”

“What do you mean I think too much?” I asked

“Well for starters if you did something wrong, you had reasons. “She took a bite of her pizza “and now the guilt is making you do whatever he wants you to do.”

“No it’s not true” How could she know that I asked myself “it’s so not true”

“O it is. You did something wrong and so did he. Hey I did something” She paused for a second and I could see her clutching her slice too tightly “So you don’t kill yourself for that? Right?” She looked at me. The question felt more like it was meant for her and not me. Like she wanted my answer on it.

“No of course you don’t” I didn’t know why but I had to say this instantly.

“There you go. And you do not have to worry about getting drunk, just don’t do it when you are alone” she signalled the waitress to pour us some coffee

“You okay?” I asked

“Me? Yeah of course” she laughed it away “aren’t you forgetting something? I’m here trying to help you” Dominique knew how to keep her calm and act cold but somehow she always mystified me. Like she was in pain but she wouldn’t let anyone come close.

“You know Mike told me something about you having a rough time too” I wasn’t sure if I should have said

“Mike is a big brother he suffers from the tendency of worrying. Ignore him” she did not look up. What’s your story?  I asked myself silently.

The sudden honking of cars around me brought me back to present. Dominique came into my life when I was falling apart and she fixed me even when she was broken herself, not letting me see it. I had to do something but I had no idea what on this earth could I do to save the girl who saved me. I took out my phone and dialed a number

“Hey Hon” Howie’s voice brought tears to my eyes

“There is something I have to tell you” was all i could say

When Batman saved the world with eyes closed…!!!!

So i woke up with a super sleepy mood, because something inside me wasn’t awake and wanted my body to go back to bed. While at the same time something inside me begged me, cried out loud and blackmailed me to get out of the sleepy mode. I worked all day half asleep. It took me more than half the day to actually wake up and feel alive (i was still working like a super hero in the sleep mode…yeh i’m that awesome…you guys are right i need “i’m awesome T shirt”..). It was like a part of me was trying to wake me up all day and when i actually woke up i was in a good mood, for no reason at all. crazy day.

Hey Batman Wakey Wakey

 

Hmm…okay..

 

Dude! Little Help Here…wake up

 

5 minutes…Hey Snowy wake me up in zzzzzzzzzzzz

 

Where is Batman?

 

On my way…coming..zzzzzzzzzzz

 

Dammit! Batman wake up…a little help ..aah

 

Okay im ready…tell me.. o wow it is a beautiful day. Whats up?

 

Feck you…!!

 

HUH?

 

Little likes 15th August…!!!!

Before I go on writing about how was the day, I would like to ask you guys is WordPress asking you to approve your own comments? It is asking me…really. Every time I reply to one your comment, it goes to “Approval waiting” category and I have to approve my own comment. True Story.

15th August is a big day for two reasons…A – its Independence Day for everyone in my country, B – It’s my hero’s birthday day.

Till last year I was a very patriotic person, I still am but now it’s minus the word “Very”. Every year we celebrate independence and I get to hear stories of how soldiers and freedom fighters gave up their life to build a free country. I do not know why two nations fight but I do know that being a nation with freedom to live the way you want (almost) is priceless. I may be one of those few Indians who do not know much about my own heritage, culture and history but I do know that it took us years and lots of soldiers to reach where are today.

There is no word to describe the whole sacrifice and the endless efforts of army guys serving day and night on the cold and rough borders of Kashmir and Siachen and Drass and other places. I come from an army background, my dad has been on the border too and now my brother wishes to join Indian army. So the whole patriotism is in my DNA, so much that I almost made up my mind about joining too.

So what happened to the “Very” factor? Long story. I don’t know. I think my anger and agony has overshadowed every feeling I ever had. But I still love my country and a lot many things about it. And irrespective of the country, who doesn’t like to live in a free and democratic nation. Democracy and freedom to think and talk is pretty important. When I read “A thousand splendid suns” I started valuing independence even more. 65 years of freedom is still not big and we have a long way to go to get grip of changing times, but it’s also a long way from zero.

Salute to every soldier who fought for his country.

Unlike every other year when I wore a flag or bought one, this year i celebrated my independence day with ice-cream.

Also since it was the happy birthday day of love of my life, an ice-cream was important. Year 2000 15th august was the day when Snowy came home. He wasn’t born today but he came to us on this day and so we mark it as his birthday.

Tiny little doggie looking at us with two very round and scary eyes. I had have never seen anything so small, so beautiful and so cute. I never thought I would fell in love with this tiny miny four leggy awesome furry thing. Snowy has become a major part of our life, like a family member. Everyone at my place is always busy with him.

I think I mentioned this before I like to say “I love you” to him. I often tell him that he is awesome, I do not care if he has no idea what I’m talking bout. He takes me for granted; he is a naughty crazy kid who likes to take all the attention from everyone in the family. He hates posing for camera and he likes to follow my mom from one room to another.  Sometimes when he wants to be alone and sleep, I sit next to him and tell him what’s worrying me (of course he looks at me with “dude! Nap time” eyes. 🙂  )

Last year when he got sick, it tore me apart. Only I know what it felt to see him in pain and the day he got operated was the most difficult day of my life because he is so tiny and he couldn’t even tell us “that I don’t like the doctor guy or that it hurts”. I can’t see him hurt or in pain. I don’t think it’s easy to forget those few days ever. He is old very old and it worries me day and night, I don’t like to talk about it (among many other things I prefer to keep to me).

Happy Birthday my love, thank you for coming to us. 🙂

 

The Versatile Blogger Award Nomination….!!!!

Blogging has becomes an eternal part of me, if I don’t blog I don’t feel good. It’s like there was something missing today. Something doesn’t feel good, maybe it’s because my blog has become what my diaries were once to me. I still have all my diaries and I love them, each one of them, even the ones that are so blue, so dark, and so miserably sad that I too find it difficult to believe I am the girl inside. And now I blog, each post, each poem, each comment and like makes me happy.

And the whole I love blogging becomes even more special when I get an award. This morning I’m busy being Batman in Gotham city when a red light beeps on my blackberry and I see an invisible “You’ve got mail” line… Expressionistaura just nominated me for a The Versatile Blogger Award.

She loves coffee, she loves writing and most importantly she loves writing on paper (me too me too), she is talented and she loves books too. She is so much like me. Just visit her once and you will love her.

Thank you so very much Expressionistaura, you are awesome.

I have to now nominate around 15 more bloggers and have to tell 7 things about me. Now, 7 things about me…

1-      I don’t do make-up not even a drop of it. I get up take a bath, wear my tees-Denims-shoes, fix my hair and I’m ready. Of course my mother doesn’t like it.

2-      I have weird phobias and one of them is about sitting behind someone on a bike. Can’t do that. So scared of sitting behind someone in a bike or scooter, even though I myself drive at crazy speed when on my scooter.

3-      I am bad with gadgets and modern video games. I come from Mario Brothers era.

4-      While watching Avengers I was busy praying to movie God to not kill Robin Scherbatsky (Cobie Smulder). During first few minutes when she comes and the bad guy escapes and there is this chase, I’m like “please don’t die please please please”.

5-      Ever since I lost the chess thingy I’m scared of playing chess.

6-      While a lot many people think I wish to go Ireland or UK because of movies like Leap Year and PS I love you, it’s not true. It’s because of a book I once read (do not remember the story or the author or even the title…funny i know).

7-      I can’t share my bed with anyone. Of course this doesn’t apply to Snowy who is currently busy sleeping on one corner of my bed.

I would like to dedicate and nominate this blog to every person who follows me and the ones I follow. This is for all of you, because quite frankly you guys are awesome. Thanks to wordpress I have made so many friends, people who don’t know me but still care. Few of these bloggers have become a special part of my blogging. Thankyou!

Yay! i got a nomination…Wordpress makes me feel like a celebrity..whoo!!

Super Heroes are busy people…!!!!

I have two tiny little problems and I really do not know how to manage it. Problem number 1 is manageable all I have to do is burn my fingers a little bit. Not literally. You guys I have a book to write I can’t really do that in real. Also I love myself, today I almost screamed aaaaaAAAAh when I saw this car coming towards me, though it was funny I was laughing later because I’m sure the driver saw my face..It had that expression from the scene where the Home Alone kid applies his father’s aftershave on his face. I still can’t stop laughing because the car was like literally at a speed of 10km/hr.

Voices: Little back to the problem

Me: oh yeah…sorry

So the problem number 2 is actually the main problem. Dammit! Why do I get so distracted?

Problem number one is this guy in my office. He is an ass  a mean guy. Have you ever met that girl who does what you say? “Hey Jenna can you get me ice tea?”, “Hey Izzie I think I again left my bag in the class. Could you get it for me”, “Hey Em, could you carry these books for me?”…yeh that girl. The one who gets you things and carries things for you. I’m sure you have met her somewhere in school or college. I was that in college and this guy is now making me that girl again. He is throwing all his work on me and I end up spending my day dodging and ignoring him. I do not do his work though I have to do it a little but I usually end up ignoring him hoping he would take that as a sign, but the freak won’t get it. But this isn’t a major problem, when I said burning my finger I meant complaining against him to my boss but that would mean working with a project manager who has revenge on his mind. So I rather go along because it’s just 1-2 days.

Today I left his work in between and told him I have work. I think he got the sign because he was trying to have a nice friendly talk with me like we are best of friends. Really? I have work like loads of it…and i have you. Definitely I’m a super hero. Thank-you for proving it.

Problem number 2 would be time. Yes, I think I need a new watch or wall clock or new world. Because I don’t know where the time goes after 7 pm. Whole day I sulk and work like a crazy girl on lose and the needle in my watch won’t move a centimetre. But when I’m home, I say hello to my parents, my dog, change, have my dinner while watching sexy Damon Salvatore, read my favourite blogs, comment, reply on comments made on mine and BOOM its 1 in the morning. Really? Where did all the time go? Now, I can either sleep and save the world from my HULK avatar (triggered by lack of sleep) or work on Dominique (my mind is bursting and leaking with ideas for some crazy unknown reason). Now how do I mange time? I mean I did not add my book which I don’t even dare to touch on weekdays because that would mean not sleeping at all.

Dammit! I need more free time and less Gotham city. I try everyday to come back home early but it’s like impossible.

Okay, fight Doc Ock, save the world, say hi to MJ, go home, eat, write a blog, read a book and work on Dominique…phew! i can do it. hey Aunt May i think i would take some of those Vitamin capsules too.. 😛

Got to now, I still have half an hour and there are some words dancing in my head since morning for me to write them down.

My Spidy sense tells me there is holiday coming up..YAY!!

Am so glad it’s going to be a 4 day week and so would be the next week. Only reason I’m looking forward to my birthday is that I will not be working and enjoy a day off. Goodnight World!

When Little did NOTHING….!!!!

Weekend came and went away like a wind, but it was so fun. I mean I did everything I wanted to, except the book shopping. What did I do? NOTHING. Yay! I did nothing for two whole days I did not do anything I didn’t wanted to do. It was like the most amazingly awesome days with me being the laziest soul on this planet. I didn’t even get out of my house to buy me some junk, I used my lovely sisterly puppy look and blackmailed my brother to get me ice-cream. See I was that lazy.

Doing nothing is so awesome, the feeling is priceless. I wrote Dominique, I read a book and I enjoyed the delicious cups of coffees made by truly yours i.e. Me. You should know that I have given up making coffee and I use my talent only when I really don’t have the energy to go out and spend money. But I would also like to tell you if you like Cappuccino, then you have to visit me once…just once.

Not many people (except 3 three people including me) knows this that I had this fantasy of growing up rich and having my own coffee shop. Big one. Yes, that’s the kind of teenager I was…dreaming weird was my speciality. I also thought I would be an astronaut, then I wanted to be a writer, then an actress (funny because I’m actually tiny, tiny like Aria tiny…but hey isn’t she an actress too), then I wanted to be a journalist, then a radio jockey and now I again want to be a writer. You know I think I’m a fun person, if you ignore these creepy ideas of mine. Plus I make best Cappuccino and equally amazing tomato cheese sandwiches.

Man I’m enjoying doing nothing, I’m even blogging about nothing in particular. I’m that much into NOTHING. Good thing this week has a one day off on Wednesday, so I’m not really troubled about Monday that much. I plan to restart my workout by Wednesday-Thursday.

Height of my laziness was that I was in my parent’s room all day, lying in front of TV and watching whatever was on. Mostly it was the Olympics. Why is this weird? I don’t watch TV and I don’t spend much time in my parent’s room.

I’m going to go back to Dominique now; I’m really getting the grip back on it. In fact last night when I turned off the lights and went to bed I got this another idea for another story, but I’m not touching it not unless I finish Dominique. While I might take eternity to finish my Harry Potter I do aim to finish Dominique by 2012. Yes for a change I have set a goal, a deadline. It’s not going to be easy though because I suffer from crazy mood swings which usually stop me from doing anything I like. But that’s the challenge; I have to complete Dominique no matter what. I’m not sure if I wish to publish it because if I do I will have to make certain changes in my original plot but that will make me sad. Let’s see.

Got to go now, have some pages to write before I drop dead till morning. Goodnight world..!!

Leaving you guys with a creative cover version. The guy has used no music instrument just voices made by him.