This isnt my battle to win…!!!!

“A suitcase and some songs” these are just wording but sometimes i wish i could pack few songs and walk away to a place i don’t know, people who don’t know me.

Last night i found Brandi Carlile’s some amazing songs and have been holding to them, trying to kill them with hope to get through with them. There is a reason why i find music an important part of me, it tells me what i wish people could. It hugs and begs me to keep walking, something i wish people could do. Well, i shouldn’t blame people; after all they don’t know i need it.

I wasted last two days doing nothing, nothing at all, and i should be feeling bad about it. I mean i didn’t work on my assignment; i should have as this was the best time because my friend is away and i have all the time. I didn’t read a page from my new book, worked on Dominique, watched any movie on my laptop, cleaned my wardrobe or so anything else. Nothing i did nothing. I was lying on the bed with music and begging myself silently to get up.

I couldn’t make myself do anything except walking around, dancing around and lying down with music. Same songs over and over again.

Truth is I’m not sure how to make me stand again. If i do something to make me feel better it goes away again. It’s all because of the stupid cheerful mood i was in past few days, i forgot the real me and now I’m standing face to face the real me.

There is another line from a song “I’m missing someone, but i don’t know who”…was it written for me? I would like to believe so.

Dear girl in my mirror,

I know how much it hurts, i know how hard it is but this isn’t your battle to win. No this isn’t. But that doesn’t mean it’s over, you are awesome and that’s what you have to be for as long as possible.

Me

I dont want to be a Super Hero…i want to take off the mask…!!!!

Today is one of those days when I end up losing hope like one loses his/her glasses in the room. I feel lonely, empty and hopelessly blue and at one point I heard myself thinking “what’s’ the purpose of happy songs when it’s all a lie?” See now this is sad because when I tell myself everything is a lie I’m totally off the Hope medicine.

I know what’s coming my way, I mean I think I know, but I still pretend I’m awesome and I smile but today I couldn’t. Right now, I feel like someone who has been left stranded in an island with no one around, not a single soul to hear the cry for help. Feels pretty low, pretty damn low. Truth is at one point I found my mind going to the dark door I locked few years ago.

why cant i sing for Marry Jane with my mask off…?

It is just one of those days when Spiderman wants to do nothing but be Peter Parker…No Masks…!!!

Song for the day –

She walks again…!!!!

Walking alone again

With the same pain

She looks around

There is no one to be found

She walks again

Drenching in the rain

Because she can’t smile

No more

She cant pretend for a while

So she walks again

Away from the world of sane

Trembling and shivering

She don’t know why is she crying

What happened to her?

The wind asks

She has no answer

So she walks again

Tied with a chain

Of words she can’t say

Every night every day

There is something hollow

Something that stays

Darkness or sunny days…!!!!

RIP McSteamy…Dammit! Shonda Rhimes.

Its 2 am in the morning or night, whatever, and I’m hungry and sort of tired from my episode marathon from different shows. 2 episodes of Supernatural, Grey’s Anatomy, Glee and finally The New Normal. Super tired.

So am I glad I chose Grey’s before Glee and New Normal? You betcha. I was so looking forward to GA but honestly I’m sort of not happy with the episode. No flash back to what happened and more goodbyes. How does Shonda Rhimes sleep at night? I mean she has a perfect show still…Sigh. I drove home all excited but all I got was things I feared. I knew they were going to kill more people, now that Mark is gone I’m afraid so afraid they are going to send away Arizona too. Honestly I love Arizona, she is or maybe was the only happy face among the dark and twisted team of awesome doctors.

And what’s with Glee? Brittany and Sam…Shaking my head. Okay maybe this is where I need a smiley with both hands on sideways.

Anyhow, its weekend and I am happy for that.

There is this thing that sometimes bugs me, all the time I should say, because I often don’t agree to it. Bragging is awesome, I would do if I could but I guess don’t have anything to brag about and never will. Maybe I can brag about my blog or ability to be awesome but again that would mean nothing to normal people. So its bragging that bugs me, not the kind of bragging where one is showing off his/her car, big house, awesome job, amazing partner or love or other things, one basically brags about. It’s the kind of bragging where one talks proudly and in you-don’t-know-what-I’m-talking about tone of a thing that you do know about.

I don’t know I can’t explain you what I’m trying to say. I know what’s wrong, my awesomeness level is down because I’m tired and sleep deprived. This is where I usually look around for a hug and realize it’s not always free.

Dear me,

You are awesome…now repeat after me A.W.E.S.O.M.E…let’s try one more time.

Myself.

I don’t know if practising like this everyday will actually make me turn into a shining star and fill  my mind with no memories but just a word. Will it? Let’s find out. Awesome, awesome, awesome, awesome, awesome…phew! I do need to sleep first and then start tomorrow. Goodnight world!

watch?v=wcg6cLauF3w&feature=related

watch?v=0d02Krsw7HE

Okay this this crazy now the songs i want to add are showing as just links and no video.. 😦 !!!!

Super Heroes can fall too, but they are still Super Heroes…!!!!

My last tag line on my BBM (Before my mobile company ditched me like a lover who cares no more) was lyrics from a Glee song “hit me with the worst you got n knock me down, I don’t care”. Now see here I was just singing a song I wasn’t serious. Life thought “wow challenge accepted”. Life turns into Barney Stinson and turns into a finicky little creature whose main agenda of the day, apart from other things, also included sending something my way. A fever that started on Saturday night ended up being a major trouble. I’m okay now, lot better but what I went through and I’m still going though is not easy to explain. While doctor made me give blood test and urine test to see if I have Malaria only to later tell me it’s just viral, I realized it’s some kind of infection. Life had suddenly become the scene from Tobey Maguire’s Spiderman 2 where he loses his powers midair and falls down hard.

Super Heroes can fall too..

In short, all I can say, it has been a very painful week, sleepless nights and so much of mental-physical exhaustion. The pain and exhaustion is still there and won’t go for few days. But I’m better now; after all I’m a Super Hero. Yes yes I know you know but I thought saying it again might make me smile. So I’m a Super Hero. Good news I’m better today like “wow I don’t have fever today” better. I hope it’s a sign of recovery and not just another joke. In past few days I discovered another awesome show (thanks to my awesome fellow Gleek and blogger friend Pia) named The New Normal. It’s a new show and so awesome. I love it. Okay so now I have it all, this new show, Glee is back; Grey’s is back and on Sunday I get to welcome Revenge and Dexter. Even HIMYM is back. Nikita is on its way too. PLL is still far away, but I guess I have my plate full. Yay! Do you know what day is today? Thursday I know but it’s not just any Thursday…it’s the day when I find out if Shonda Rhimes has killed anyone again. Technically I will find it on Friday because of the time difference. I can wait, in fact tomorrow night is going to be LEGEND-wait for it…man this line never gets old- DARY because I will have Greys and Glee for my Friday night party with myself. Awesome. Sadly I won’t have any ice-cream this time or another fun thing to eat because I ain’t well enough. Got to go now, have one more day of Gotham before I rest nonstop for two days. This week I have literally ignored Gotham, just couldn’t go. Goodnight world!

You know Kitty im not really sick…my super powers are just taking a break…!!

This one is for you…!!!!

Every song I ever wrote, every dream I ever dreamt of, every smile I ever painted, every tear I ever dropped, everything I, did or do, is and will be for you.

Maybe someday we will meet and then I will give them all to you, to show you how much I waited for you even when I didn’t knew you. Someday when we will sit across and talk about life, I will sing the words I wrote and never shared, the dreams I built but never spoke about. Yes I will meet you, yes we will smile and we will fall in love, only I don’t know when and where. I can’t say which coffee shop will be ours, which spot will be ours, which corner will be ours. We will fight and sing sorry only I don’t know who will say it first, who will bring flowers and who will kiss and let it go.

Sometimes I walk along the road and look at places and picture you and me there, talking with hands in hands. I try to look at pictures on wall and imagine you and I inside them, deeply in love and happy. Every day and every night I wait but it never gets tiring because I know you will come, I know we will be. So I do my best to try and dream of us because I know you would want to know if I ever thought we would meet. I write down words I know would make you believe that I knew you would come. Maybe I’m crazy, maybe I’m head over heels over nothing, maybe I just believe too much. But how can I not think of you, how can I not fall in love with you. You were there once there, right in front of me, staring at me for as long as possible before you walked away and out of my life, before you melted me and broke me into a million pieces.

Didn’t you teach me to sing, to write those love songs, to dream, to smile when nothing is said, to cry, to feel happy, to act hopelessly and to just be me? Love wasn’t it you who came and destroyed me? Here I stand again waiting for you, believing in you and knowing you would come again.

This one is for you love, because I know we will meet again and I will sing to you again. I know I will find you and me walking on the road with spring leaves again, I know I will find another place I will sit all day long to think of you when you will go again, I know I will rise and fall again, I know you haven’t gone forever. I know I will find you soon.

I still have you inside deep down, the day you left and made me someone I never thought I could be. So this one is for you, i will wait for you…!!!!

Little needs to rest a little more…!!!!

I really cant explain how i’m feeling right now. Its all messed up. But yes i think i’m recovering, i hope so. Today this doctor made me give some tests to check things, but as of now i feel better. Didn’t go Gotham today. Didn’t do anything just slept and dreamt of stupid hospital days. Scares me, the whole experience.

Anyhow, i shall sleep now. Need to rest little more.

Since i’m obsessed with Winona, leaving you with a song from her movie.

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Hey Body, Little thinks you are awesome too…!!!!

Won’t be able to check other blogs today as I’m blogging via phone, because I don’t have stamina to sit n use laptop. Feel sick like sick sick.

Yes, I made it to the movie. I wouldn’t have given up on it because its like once a blue mood situation. My parents rarely go out for movies or other outings, so if I find a way to make them I do it. I wonder if they liked the movie, I do know my father didn’t.

So last night I turn of the light and try to sleep. I sleep but am awake too. My body is in pain, I feel bad. At 4 am I woke up and went to washroom. A 2minutes trip made me almost faint. Reminded me of that one day in hospital when I could hear my heartbeat out loud.
Anyhow, I don’t think I slept after that. Next thing I know its almost noon and I open my eyes still feeling weak but okay.

I told myself to get up and not give up. My body is awesome it worked well throughout the movie but then, I being me, ordered icetea. Mistake. I start feeling the chill again and next thing I know I could barely sit and watch the movie. Good thing I had already seen it.

I know how badly I wanted the movie to get over. Now am home, in bed, feeling sick. Stupid fever and bodyache. I wonder if am going Gotham tomorrow.

Dear fever, please come back later…maybe, on a weekday…!!!!

It was a total lazy Saturday; I did nothing, nothing at all. But I did something that would make my bed and my body happy, I cleaned the room and I continued my workout regime. So I guess I can say I did something, but now I don’t feel good.

Not as in mood wise, the mood thing is still rockingly weirdly nice and I wonder when and what is going to throw the mood and me down hard. Anyways, it’s the physical thing, I feel feverish and that’s not good because I have a movie planned out tomorrow. I m going Barfi again, the one I saw last Sunday because I wanted my mother to watch this one. So I booked four tickets for the whole family, my mum, dad, me and my brother. Now I don’t want to fall sick on the family outing day because firstly it rarely happens when we all go out for a movie or anything and second falling sick would ruin my Sunday and which would mean I wouldn’t even know when Monday came upon me.

Let’s hope it’s nothing and sleeping would make it go.

So I think I won’t be blogging much today, feel weird.I will just read a page and sleep i think or maybe i will just sleep. A coffee could do good but i don’t have the stamina to make one and everyone else is sleeping so i guess i should do the same. Goodnight world!

the real me.!!!!

Sometimes I feel like a soldier who fights and screams and fires away all day only to come back to the bunker tired, muddy, scratched and exhausted. This week has been so weird, so so weird especially because after two whole weeks of physical and mental exhaustion I had a week where I did well.

So I’m not used to spending so much of time without losing myself to the darkness inside. Even now as I sit and write about it I don’t feel much of it. This phase is sort of scary because it makes me forget the real me, the one who walks with a strange cocktail of emotions all over. The real me.

Few days back one of my best friends asked me how am I doing and I replied back I’m good. We were texting as she is sort busy lately and so she dropped me few messages to check on me. While I was actually in a good mood and I think I was watching Nikita or something, she asked me again and I was like “Am all good”. I started asking her about her life, the husband, the job and everything else. And then she asked me something like “hows the real you doing?” I smiled and replied real me is doing awesome too. Her question made me laugh because she knows there are two me. I never tell her when I’m drowning into my mess and in fact she doesn’t even know much of my issues except she knows that I aint the happy colourful girl she knew. She knows i like to pretend to be awesome like 100% pure awesome without a doubt. Even i dont know who is real me.

So who is the real me?

Anyhow, it was a long long day just won’t end. Stupid Friday has its way of screwing up with the excitement of weekend. But finally I got free at 730, ran home and changed into my running shoes and ran and did rope jumping and some stretches. Felt good. Then I had my dinner while finishing Nikita. Made me a horrible premix coffee and watched Glee. How do I feel about Britney 2.0? Well it took me back to my years of being Britney crazy. I was smiling throughout the episode listening to the songs. My favourite one would be “you drive me crazy”. They gave it a nice duet twist. Even 3 was nicely done.

I was expecting Finn or Santana to show up in this episode but sadly it didn’t happen. I wonder if Finn, Santana, Quinn and Mike are coming back. So next Thursday Grey’s coming back too and I watched the last episode again just like that.

Well guess what’s tomorrow? Saturday people its freaking Saturday. My day. And i don’t want to do anything but i might work a little on my assignment. Not sure though.