Lately I have been trying to keep everything in control, my anger, my blues and my breakdown. So it’s Thursday and I am wondering how smoothly the week went and just one more day to go for weekend. I congratulate myself for a successful week where I knew when and what to let people see, I had a total control on my emotions, anger, agony, blues everything.
But somewhere in the middle of the day I end up feeling weird, like weird weird. I tell myself to hold on, not to panic, just a tired mind and body. I did end up managing well but then stupid mobile company pissed me so much my mind cells broke into millions pieces of tiny hulk. Oh I was so mad, so so mad. Still am but then now I have my ice-cream.
Lately I’m trying to learn how to shield what I feel. I think I’m doing well because I don’t think I actually got crazy and rude with anyone. I hate when it happens, I turn into Kathleen Kelly of You’ve Got Mail. Life becomes a scene where she says all the mean things to Joe Fox and then when she is relieved because she finally said what was inside, she feels horrible so horrible about whatever she said. She realizes no matter what he did, she had no right to say all that to him. I end up being her most of the time sand that’s why I’m trying to teach myself anger management my way. Fact that I wasn’t like this before makes it harder on me.
Anyways, I have started with running and tomorrow I plan to get up early morning which is crazy for me. But I guess I can try. I have 4 new books, Harry potters2, Sharp Objects, The Immortals of Melluha and Not without my daughter. Hope to start with one this weekend and if possible I might give some attention to my assignment. I have done so much in life but I don’t regret a thing, but this stupid course is my only regret. Even my darkest secret doesn’t feel bad in front of it. Why did I enrol for it? Dammit! Little. Why.
This morning I woke up at around 6 I think and it was all cloudy and foggy. Reminded me of winters, I thought I was dreaming. I rubbed my eyes twice and then to be sure I wasn’t dreaming, I called my mum and she confirmed it for me. It was all foggy like winters. The one where you can’t really see beyond 20 some steps.
I wonder if life is giving me some signs, because at first I woke up to heavy fog smelling good fresh cold weather and then I felt the same “winter is on the door” chill at work.
So here I am in a meeting (which lasted 2 hours and destroyed my sandwich and tea time) and I’m almost sleepy and irritated at the guy sitting next to me. His job is to find faults and errors in my team’s work. Understand that but the way he points out stupid simple stuff and starts making them big irritates me. Sometimes he is like “sir this site is good but maybe we can change the colour, look at the theme, what if we do this or that” or “Sir, this site is fine but maybe we could shift the banner to a little left or a little right” Really? Seriously? You can’t let go of it even once?
Anyhow, so he is sitting next to me giving his list of suggestions to my boss who is explaining me how and where we can implement them. At one point I end up sleepy and lose focus in the conversation. It’s really cold because of the A.C, my eyes are closing and I end up day dreaming about myself being in a place with a warm bed and quilt.
The irritating guy: sir, both the sites have same issues
My Boss: yes, I think we can fix this and here we can add this
Me: Nodding and nodding and nodding
Myself: It is so cold here. Hmm, nice and cold.
Me: Nodding and Nodding and Nodding
Myself: I would do anything to close my eyes for a while
Myself: If only I had a bed here and a warm quilt. Oh heavens
Me: Nodding and Nodding and Nodding
Myself: I just want to close my eyes for a second. Just a second.
Me: Nodding but trying my best not to close my eyes
Myself: I miss my room. The bed. The silence. The sleep. The rest
Myself: It’s so cold. I could get inside a warm quilt and curl by myself for hours and not care
Me: shaking my head violently and looking back at my boss and the irritating guy
The irritating Guy: And sir, I have another list almost ready with some more changes
My Boss: Have you noted it down? I have the mail too, let me send you the excel
Me (looking at the time with corner of my eyes and cursing the guy on my left): Yes sir, sure sir. Okay sir
Voices: I know you want to hit him Little..i know you do. Maybe you should.
Voices: Look at him. He is short and not that muscular. Even you can take him down.
Me (looking at the irritating guy): Hmm…If only i didn’t needed this job.