I can write 50,000words, but not tonight….!!!!!

Sleepy and tired. For some reason the week seems to be an unending one. Good thing my little car is back and so im saved from driving my scooter in the cold. I’m so tired right now that i can hardly type.

I will sleep little early, despite the fact that NaNo starts in couple of minutes. But i will work on it tomorrow and for that i need rest tonight.

Leaving you with a song from my Dominique soundtrack.

 

 

Advertisements

a creature of blues…!!!!

She was born to fly

But she can’t, no more

She don’t know why

Walking around

On the ground

Every day every second

She has forgotten how

She can’t be free now

Even if its dawn

Even if darkness is gone

She has walked for long

Doing it differently

Would feel so wrong

Sunshine would hurt

A story with no excerpt

A song with no lyrics

Like magic with no tricks

Normal is not her world anymore

She would not know now

What to do and how

Living under the darkness

Burdened with her mess

She built a routine

Something she can’t clean

She fears the dawn

She wants the dawn

Like a swimmer who never swam

She fears she will drown

Lived too long to be a creature of blues

She wonders

If she can handle world bright and new

She holds on to her pain

Like it’s her umbrella under the rain

Of doubts and uncertainty

Of a life torn between

Happiness and insanity….!!!!

 

Huh! all the things we believe as kids…!!!!

“Jane Doe” that’s what I plan to name my NaNo work though I still have no faith in me and my ability to make it but there is no harm is trying. Although I would miss Dominique for next one month and no Dominique might make me sad, but I have to stop thinking about it for few days.

So, Jane Doe is pretty much my next task for the darkness inside me. I think I have mentioned this before, writing makes me human and it keeps me connected to the emotions inside me. I rarely feel emotions like I should; sometimes I’m just too cold for others. My friends tell me that I’m a nice person but I’m self obsessed and self absorbed and mean and rude. I don’t deny it. Only good thing that I see in me is that I do not lie about myself or deny my flaws. Writing is one place I feel emotions I should feel, love, friendship, happiness, loss and so on.

When I was a teenager, still trying to wonder what’s wrong with my tiny little mind, I was convinced that I was going to be best girl friend or wife ever. I was sure that nothing in this world could make me not work on my relationship. I don’t know what in the world made me believe all that because not only am I least interested in marrying, I have never even had a real relationship. Crazy haan? I know.  I would blame all those Hollywood and bollywood movies that I have been watching all my life. Those were the days when movies were all about action or love stories. I don’t remember about kids? I hope I wasn’t convinced that I was going to be the best mother of all the time, because clearly kids shouldn’t be kept under my supervision. Not that I am harmful, I love kids, they love me too, as I’m always the one surrounded by kids in my family gatherings, but I’m not the role model one can have.

I was also sure I was going to like it being a grown up, which is funny because being one has made me realise that the big world of grownups is a mean place. It’s like a game where you play with their rules and if you don’t you are pretty much out or as grownups say “you are screwed”.

Voices: Hey genius

Me: Hi

Voices (Shaking Head): Dude!

Me: What now?

Voices:  Jane Doe …Jane Doe…

Me: Dammit!

So, I was supposed to tell you about Jane Doe. Don’t know why I walk out of a topic. Jane Doe is going to be a story about my lead character but the story would be told by two people, who meet in an accident. I don’t know how I plan to end it or even the body, but I have a start in my mind. A picture is ready only I don’t know where to go from there.

I am also searching for few songs that will help me with the scenes, as I can’t write if I don’t have music. Americano is one song that has been helping me a little but I need more. Good thing NaNo begins with a weekend so I have time too think and think.

Today, I (mentally) created a whole chapter of Dominique while staring at my computer at work. Yes I can do that.

I remember now when I was kid at one particular phase i wanted to be nothing but a house wife. Oh this has to be the funniest part of my being a kid. Still laughing now that i remember it. Hmm…If I could go back in time what would I do?

ME NOW: Hey little

ME THEN: Hi

ME NOW: What are you doing?

ME THEN: Watching a nice movie. Why?

ME NOW: Nothing, just don’t believe in what they show. You know true love is not meant for you. And of course you are not going to be crying in tears seeing a ring on your finger.

ME THEN: blinking eyes with open mouth

ME NOW: You know it’s pretty obvious happily ever after is just what they say in stories. Oh and really a writer? Do me a favour; work on your other subjects too. Little girl why don’t you work hard on your science? Scientists are cool people too.

ME THEN: blinking eyes with open mouth

ME NOW: And no, failing in Math does not means you opt for house wife as a profession. Its just a subject.

ME NOW: And believe me no one lives under your bed. Stop jumping directly from the bed to out of your room. Not cool.

ME THEN: watching TV again

ME NOW: Hey did you hear me?

ME THEN:

Mom is write I should eat more veggies I have started seeing things. Maybe I should not throw my milk in washbasin.

ME NOW: right about the milk…STOP THROWING YOUR MILK. Huh!

Anyhow, so I have started Harry Potter 2 today and I don’t know how many earth years am I going to take to finish. Got to go now.

Goodnight world!

100+ Followers? Really? Seriously? Yay! Go Little…!!!!

Today I want to start with a big

Because I crossed the bloody awesome mark of 100 followers which is a big thing for me, like B.I.G…B.I.G. Past few months have been sort of a battle with myself, my fears, my thoughts and my inability to move forward. Blogging was suppose to be my way of working on my creative writing in terms of articles on current news, political issues, world and national happening, but now it’s actually my virtual diary where I can add a video or picture.

When I got my first follower I was like “Whoa! This person likes my blog”. Today with the number of followers going over 100 I still can’t believe people like my stuff. It also makes me happy because I, often, doubt my writing, because my monotonous job has made me believe that I can’t write that the writer in me has basically gone rusty.

Either you people are AWESOME or insane because there are no reasons for actually liking my writing. I’m so glad I found you or you found me, either ways I’m just so glad and happy.

So, here I’m thanking each one of you for following, reading, linking, commenting and for just being the part of this blog.

I may not be a big fish but being in the pool of WordPress is enough. My favorite part of the day is when I’m in my room working on my blog with my headphones on.

Something about myself for new followers:

–          I am obsessed with idea that I have resemblance to Super Heroes because like them I lie and pretend to be someone else.

–          I am obsessed with Meg Ryan movies

–          I think singers are beautiful people and I wish I could be one of them

–          Pretty Little Liars is on my mind all the time

–          I think I will get sad the day Glee, Greys Anatomy and Vampire Diaries come to an end

–          My dog is my love. I like to tell him that he is awesome

–          I’m not a praying kind but every time I do I ask God to keep my loved ones happy and healthy

–          I seek approval for things from two people

–          I’m not a good writer but I like to write anyway because it’s all I can do

–          I call  my work place Gotham City and pretend to be Batman

–          I sing in my car with windows up

–          I don’t know how to dance and I don’t really care but I wish I knew how to moonwalk

–          Avril lavigne, Lady Gaga are two people you will always find in my phone

–          Sometimes I listen to a song for one whole day and then it dies

–          Take the songs in my phone away from me and you might end-up killing me

–          I talk to myself a lot

–          I lie to get out of social get-together

–          Nothing in this world can make me stop liking Pasta

–          Buying books makes me happy even I don’t read them. If you find me buying books, you can ask me “what’s wrong?”

Today was a nice day, i met a very awesome friend of mine and it made me happy. There are few people who make me feel cheerful to the core because they dont mind the way im.

Then i went for Cloud Atlas with my brother and another friend.

But the realization that weekend is over was there every second. Man! i hate Mondays and i hate that i say this because i was once a Monday person. For next few days i will go everywhere in my scooter because my car is gone for repair. I have to now drive my scooter in cold weather because two young girls were out testing their driving skills. 😦 😦

Leaving you guys with my all time favorite song.

crappy internet makes me sad…!!!!!

Okay I wrote a big post…got super late because of that. Have to get up early. The moment I decide to finally click on Update button…Boom…internet dies.

It is sad because I have to get up early and I stayed up late for the post. Now m sad n super pissed with my internet.

Please check out “Hey there Delilah” by Plain White T’s

Goodnight world.

Something from Dominique…!!!!

I could see her sitting on the living room couch laughing with him, like they were watching something on television. My mother had this laugh that made everything look beautiful and everyone else happy. I knocked but they couldn’t hear the knock so I tried to ring the bell but they weren’t looking at the door or at me. I could see them right there busy watching the television and unaware of my presence.

“Hey Mom, Dad” I screamed “it’s me Dom, please open” I rang again and again. The bell noise was getting louder and louder but they were still not looking at me. I did not give up, I pressed it again and again and then she looked up with anger in her eyes like she wasn’t happy to have me there. I woke up realising I was dreaming and my phone was ringing, rubbing my eyes I looked around at the bottle of vodka next to me. Dammit! Dom I cursed myself realising what I did last night. I picked up the phone thinking it must be Mike. Why did you call him?  I asked myself

“Hello?” I was feeling guilty about last night

“Open the damn door” It was Kristine

“You are outside?” I asked

“Will you open it?” she sounded irritated. I walked up to the door, while trying to fix my hair and rubbing my eyes.

“Why the fuck wont you open the door. I was ringing the bell like crazy, I got scared you know” she barged inside

“Good morning to you too” I smiled shaking my head at her language. Even after being friends with her for over 6 months I was still not used to her cursing all the time.

“God! You look like a mess” she took a seat on the couch “was someone here last night? Are you with someone? Is that why you won’t open?” “I have been ringing the bell and calling you. I was about to break the door you know.”

“Okay stop” I was now laughing. What was it about her that made everything lively and colourful I asked myself. “I was sleeping. Sorry, I think I must have overslept”

“Hmm…Okay. Get ready then, will get your breakfast on the way.”

“Where are we going?” I was trying to clean the bed, was glad Kristine hadn’t seen the box of pictures on the floor.

“Shopping, you remember I have to buy something for my cousin’s wedding.” She stretched on the couch “I don’t know why Tim makes me do this. I don’t even know my cousin’s full name and I have to go to her wedding”

“Okay, but can we make a stop at Mike’s. He wanted to see me, it will take just 15 minutes” I asked while trying to find something to wear.

“Cool. How’s Annie?”

“Good, good” I screamed from the bathroom. I was dreading the day, because I knew Mike would question me and ask me to stay with him and Annie for few days. I wasn’t in mood to shop, but saying no would mean questions. There was no way to find out if Tim had told Kristine about what happened in the university. Something told me maybe Tim didn’t, because it was unlike Kristine to not ask me about it.

“Hey, you still there?” I asked from inside the shower. Kristine was too silent.

“Ya, ya. I’m here. Just relaxing”

“Just 2 minutes” I hurried up. What was Emily doing here?  I wondered. I quickly got out of the shower, changed in to a black t-shirt and blue denims, put on my shoes and declared “I’m Ready. Let’s go”.

“So my dad called last night” Kristine said as she drove here Lexus “He is like Molly, my cousin, wanted my phone number so she could call me and invite me”

“Now why would she do that?” She paused “I think he is just finding excuses to call me and talk to me. Yes that’s the thing. I’m sure. Tim thinks I’m crazy. Am I crazy?”

“Am I crazy?”

“Am I crazy? Dom?” Suddenly the car stopped with a screeching noise jerking both of us in front

“What? What the hell happened?” “Are you okay?” I was worried. She looked okay and there was no car in front of us.

“There, you are awake now” she was laughing

“What? Kristine why do you do this?” I snapped. Kristine started the engine and drove in silence for next few minutes. I looked at her and cursed myself for losing my cool; I cursed Emily for showing up and acting like nothing ever happened.

“I’m sorry” I said “and yes you are crazy. Tim is right.”

“Really? You too? O god, why do you both have to be so much alike?” she threw her hands up in the air. She wasn’t mad, which was a relief.

“Sorry I guess I didn’t sleep well last night.” I apologised again.

“Well I guess I will have to buy you a Kristine special coffee today” she looked in a good mood. Keep it together Dom, Keep it together I begged myself to not fall into pieces.

“Okay you go ahead I will park and come” She said. I got out and started walking towards the house. Mike and Annie lived in a big two storied house in the Manhattan suburbs with a beautiful lawn. The door was open which usually meant either Mike was at home or there were guests at home; I hoped it was some neighbour not wanting to face Mike.

“Hey anybody home?” I froze when I saw her in front of me. I thought my legs were going to give up as I stood there face to face with mother. She was looking like she always did, pretty and beautiful. She was with Annie when I entered; the looks on their faces were enough to tell me no one was expecting me. Annie looked worried and my mom uninterested.

“Mom?” I barely managed the words

“Annie I will go upstairs now. I think I need rest.” She ignored me and started walking. I felt bad for Annie for being caught between my mother and me.

“Sorry, got stuck at the parking spot” I forgot about Kristine. With my mother in front of me, not wanting to acknowledge my presence, I could not think straight.

“Hi I’m Kristine” She smiled at my mother.

“I do not care who you are young lady.” She said

“Mom, please. She is my friend”

“How do I know what kind of friend she is?” my mother looked at Kristine and then back at me.

“I’m sorry? Did I do something to annoy you?” Kristine asked

“Don’t apologise to me. Apologise to your parents, kids like you have brought nothing but shame to their parents”

“Pam, please.” Annie interrupted

“Annie I’m sorry I know it’s your house. I should not be rude with your guests.” She walked away “Please let me know when we can sit again and continue our discussion”

“Dom, I’m sorry I didn’t know she was coming.” Annie looked at me with apologetic eyes “She just came this morning. Said she wanted to give surprise to Mike. I’m so sorry…if I knew I”

“Ann, you don’t have to apologise. Please don’t” I smiled at her “Tell Mike I came and I will come back again.” I hugged her and assured her that nothing was her fault. Annie has loved me more than my own mother and I knew how much it was hurting her inside for not just standing there and not being able to stop  my mother.

Kristine did not ask me a thing while we drove towards the city. I knew there were hundreds of questions going on inside her head but she said nothing. We both pretended like nothing happened and went on to the shopping spree, although she did not shop much and we decided to end the day early.

First Emily and then my mother, I wasn’t sure why suddenly everything was coming back to me after one year.

Little likes alone time…!!!!

It was a beautiful Wednesday for me, of course there was no Gotham city and I was all day home with music, coffee and Dominique. How I wish I could get one more day to work on my writing, but anyways I am happy for today.

There is this thing, often when I realise I’m getting too social and actually liking it I try to cut it down because I don’t want to end up getting attached to the idea of having people around.

So I woke up, made myself amazing omelet with lots of veggies in it and watched Air Crash Investigation, followed by Perilous Journeys on Nat Geo.  J&K is one of the most beautiful places on earth, although people in my country and our neighbors have issues regarding the place but if you leave the history, you will find a land so beautiful so amazingly gorgeous that you will fall in love. I have seen just like a fraction of it in real, rest of it will always be a dream for me. So this show was about this guy who explores difficult terrains and beautiful areas through his journey around the world. This episode was about driving around Ladakh covering Nubra Valley, Khardungala Pass and so on. I wish I could do that.

Anyhow, then I made myself a nice cup of coffee and sat with the season return of Pretty Little Liars and it was worth the wait. Adam Lambert was a nice touch but the episode was just too good. SO much of twist and turns. At one point I could feel goosebumps on my arms. I think I know who A is, I believe I know. This was one hell of an episode. I wish we too had something like Halloween, dressing up and all the scary tricks.

It was a good day because after some nice television and PLL time, I went to Dominique. I wasted all day doing nothing but having coffee and listening to same songs again and again while writing Dominique. Today I covered a major chapter of Dominique, where she meets her past and faces her painful history. Still so much to write in the chapter but a girl can only write so much in a day.

I’m so not looking forward to office tomorrow but then I guess if I need Saturday, I will have to walk through Thursday and Friday.

I also watched Mamma Mia today. Love Meryl Streep and Pierce Brosnan, they both are so awesome.

I missed my evening game today, said no to my friends who are sort of bugged with my attitude I think but, I needed my alone time. My friends have to put up with so much. I guess I’m sort of in trouble, will have to see how much.

I will go now, although i should sleep now i have Gotham tomorrow, I will write some more. By the way I’m going to screw up with NaNoWriMo big time and it’s because I have fallen in love with Dominique.

Oh I have a question, would you forgive infidelity? Why I’m asking? I heard Robert Pattison has forgiven K-stew and they are back again. So I thought what would have I done if I was him. I asked the same question to my friend and she said she wouldn’t have.

Leaving you guys the Adam Lambert song that made PLL even more awesome

Rain :) ….No light…. :( !!!!!

Spending all day looking at the watch I waited for the evening. It was suppose to be my night. I had my epis downloaded, my movie ready. With no office tomorrow it was suppose to be my long happy night with fiction. But nope happy endings don’t happen easily.

I’m sitting in darkness, with no electricity and my inverter down which means no backup. It rained a lot and there was hailstorm. I was happy so happy with the weather, but now I’m like “WHATT?” 😦

Nevermind, I will manage with my headphones. 😦 😥 why why why

Please check out Americano/Dance again mashup by Glee. If you don’t like Glee, watch it for Kate Hudson. She is looking great.

I shall go n sulk in darkness with some songs. Good thing there is no Gotham city tomorrow  🙂

Goodnight world!

Let’s sing a song, forgetting every right and wrong…!!!!

Today I had a moment where I wanted to quit my job and become a bird watcher or an environmentalist. I wanted to learn all about environment, birds, trees and the green world and do what nature followers do. Not that I’m saying their job is easier than mine, in fact I think it’s too difficult to be them.

Reason I said I wanted to a nature observer was because I wanted to go outside stay in the open feel the air, instead of being stuck in a small depressing cubicle where all I do is put on my headphones to give people sign that I’m busy, whereas I’m just dying inside of nothing.

I often like to take a break and walk up to the window in our washroom to just look outside and feel the sun-rays and greenery of a tiny little tree at the backside of our office. Weird?

I think I know why I’m having trouble fixing me, why it’s different his time. My crazy part and my rational part are sort of in a tug of war and end result I’m fluctuating.

Sunday I did something stupid, something that can be easily described as carelessness. Although the blunder I did was amusing to people with me, I couldn’t find it amusing. All I wanted to do was scream out loud at myself. I was like “What d fck is wrong with you?” It was a classic example of how much I’m lost lately.

Sometimes I wish I was a singer, because singers are awesome people. I mean Avril, Adele, Gaga, Brandi and all those amazing people who live in my phone are like so awesome. I wish I could sing and express everything that I feel. I mean I know I can write but still. Which reminds me i still have no story, I mean I had but I don’t have it anymore. Why? How? Simple, my story that I was very happy to come up with holds so much resemblance to Dominique. Everything I think of is being overshadowed by Dominique. I’m just too invested in it.

Dammit! why couldn’t i be a Super Hero who could sing? MJ would have loved me more.

Voices tell me to quit NaNoWriMo even before it has started, but I’m not giving up even if I end up writing crap I will write everyday till I can. Like I said before if I’m going down, I’m doing it my way.