“Jane Doe” that’s what I plan to name my NaNo work though I still have no faith in me and my ability to make it but there is no harm is trying. Although I would miss Dominique for next one month and no Dominique might make me sad, but I have to stop thinking about it for few days.
So, Jane Doe is pretty much my next task for the darkness inside me. I think I have mentioned this before, writing makes me human and it keeps me connected to the emotions inside me. I rarely feel emotions like I should; sometimes I’m just too cold for others. My friends tell me that I’m a nice person but I’m self obsessed and self absorbed and mean and rude. I don’t deny it. Only good thing that I see in me is that I do not lie about myself or deny my flaws. Writing is one place I feel emotions I should feel, love, friendship, happiness, loss and so on.
When I was a teenager, still trying to wonder what’s wrong with my tiny little mind, I was convinced that I was going to be best girl friend or wife ever. I was sure that nothing in this world could make me not work on my relationship. I don’t know what in the world made me believe all that because not only am I least interested in marrying, I have never even had a real relationship. Crazy haan? I know. I would blame all those Hollywood and bollywood movies that I have been watching all my life. Those were the days when movies were all about action or love stories. I don’t remember about kids? I hope I wasn’t convinced that I was going to be the best mother of all the time, because clearly kids shouldn’t be kept under my supervision. Not that I am harmful, I love kids, they love me too, as I’m always the one surrounded by kids in my family gatherings, but I’m not the role model one can have.
I was also sure I was going to like it being a grown up, which is funny because being one has made me realise that the big world of grownups is a mean place. It’s like a game where you play with their rules and if you don’t you are pretty much out or as grownups say “you are screwed”.
Voices: Hey genius
Voices (Shaking Head): Dude!
Me: What now?
Voices: Jane Doe …Jane Doe…
So, I was supposed to tell you about Jane Doe. Don’t know why I walk out of a topic. Jane Doe is going to be a story about my lead character but the story would be told by two people, who meet in an accident. I don’t know how I plan to end it or even the body, but I have a start in my mind. A picture is ready only I don’t know where to go from there.
I am also searching for few songs that will help me with the scenes, as I can’t write if I don’t have music. Americano is one song that has been helping me a little but I need more. Good thing NaNo begins with a weekend so I have time too think and think.
Today, I (mentally) created a whole chapter of Dominique while staring at my computer at work. Yes I can do that.
I remember now when I was kid at one particular phase i wanted to be nothing but a house wife. Oh this has to be the funniest part of my being a kid. Still laughing now that i remember it. Hmm…If I could go back in time what would I do?
ME NOW: Hey little
ME THEN: Hi
ME NOW: What are you doing?
ME THEN: Watching a nice movie. Why?
ME NOW: Nothing, just don’t believe in what they show. You know true love is not meant for you. And of course you are not going to be crying in tears seeing a ring on your finger.
ME THEN: blinking eyes with open mouth
ME NOW: You know it’s pretty obvious happily ever after is just what they say in stories. Oh and really a writer? Do me a favour; work on your other subjects too. Little girl why don’t you work hard on your science? Scientists are cool people too.
ME THEN: blinking eyes with open mouth
ME NOW: And no, failing in Math does not means you opt for house wife as a profession. Its just a subject.
ME NOW: And believe me no one lives under your bed. Stop jumping directly from the bed to out of your room. Not cool.
ME THEN: watching TV again
ME NOW: Hey did you hear me?
Mom is write I should eat more veggies I have started seeing things. Maybe I should not throw my milk in washbasin.
ME NOW: right about the milk…STOP THROWING YOUR MILK. Huh!
Anyhow, so I have started Harry Potter 2 today and I don’t know how many earth years am I going to take to finish. Got to go now.