To music, Et Tu Brute…?

My awesomeness is on vacation since yesterday, just can’t get hold of it. And worst, my saviour music won’t work on me today. Is world really coming to an end or am I just a sleep deprived, aftermath of a panic attack that can’t see no sunshine.

It all started yesterday, I had an episode of panic attack and I could see myself out of my body screaming and begging me to run away but here I was sitting among my family members and relatives enjoying a wedding of someone. I was smiling, enjoying the snacks and clicking pictures but truth be told at that very moment all I wanted to do was close my eyes and open them only to be somewhere else, somewhere among people who don’t know me, so I could break out of the pretences and cry like a kid.

So this morning I woke up with worst mood. I just didn’t want to talk to anyone or wanted anyone to talk to me. I wanted to dive in silence and breathe in my miseries. In short I didn’t want to pretend and act all cool like am awesome. I’m not awesome, I m the worst kind of person you can have around. I’m not saying all this because I have done anything wrong, personally I think I’m amazing but I’m just not the kind of friend or daughter one should have.

I know it’s just sleepless me and tomorrow I will be back to singing “I’m awesome” song again, but right now I feel sad and hurt. Usually when I’m down and low, I go for music or coffee or just cry a little and it feels better. But today coffee failed big time, no song was sad enough to make me cry and just when you need to cry you can’t. I’m like on verge of punching a wall yet I can’t make myself cry and feel okay. Stupid tear gland.

I guess I need to sleep. O apologies for not visiting your blog, I’m just messed up and busy but I will clear all the backlog of updates from other blogs.

Fact is just when I thought I’m getting a hang of Jane Doe, my time is running out of my hand. I’m afraid it’s too late. I will fail again and disappoint again. Great! There is no way I’m going to make NaNo. I didnt write yesterday because I was out for the wedding and meeting an old college friend (it was fun felt good) and tonight I’m going to close my eyes and lie down hoping I won’t wake up the way I did this morning, hoping I will wake up with at least one drop of hope inside me to save myself from the crazy me. I’m not scared of my darkness but the crazy mind I have when I’m like this, the one that doesn’t say nice things to me…that scares me.

Right now I wish to close my eyes and paint a happy picture infront of me…!!!!

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4 thoughts on “To music, Et Tu Brute…?

  1. Oh Little 😦 I know you’re just tired out but there’s something I have to say about nano : the whole wordcount thing is bullshit. The competitive aspect has become too much the focus. You know what the real meaning of nano is? The obvious one is to be creative. But the NOT obvious one is to be determined. No matter how creative you may be in your head, it will stay in your head unless you write it down and the only way any writer…I stress this ANY WRITER… gets to finish anything is by treating writing as a job. Like you job in Gotham. It’s something you have to do so you do it no matter how bad you feel.

    Writing every day during nano is the same. Hopefully you learn what it takes to really be a writer.

    So stop worrying about the wordcount. It’s just a secondary goal. The real goal is the story itself. So what if you only get to 40K or 30K or 20K? You can keep writing your story after nano is over. I’m going to do just that because I know /the story/ is not going to be finished by Nov. 30, no matter what my wordcount may be. 😀

    -big hugs-.

    • Dear Meeka,
      Thankyou …
      i know i have ended up disappointing…and i also knwo no matter how hard i try i really wont be able to complete the backlog of words..but like you said the big goal is the story..well i will write everyday even if i fail NaNo..im going to wrap up Jane Doe sooner or later,,m not going to back to Dominique untill i finish this one..
      completing a story is now my biggest goal… if only i could manage it before 30th..
      NaNo gave me something amazing..it gave me my writing back..for past few days..everyday after spending 9 hours at Gotham i have coming back excited about writing Jane Doe..
      Thankyou Meeka.. 🙂

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