Sometimes I wonder what would have I done if there was no YouTube…I mean all the songs how would have I survived without them. People, religion and money can’t save me only music can and of course fiction. Sometimes music helps me in feeling the emotions I can’t feel and sometimes it helps me in turning them off.
Today I cooked veg rice pulao which looked good, aroma was awesome only issue it needed little more salt. Rest was perfect so may be 3 out of 5 by me. I wish my mom was here to taste it. I clicked the picture and sent it to my brother’s phone so he could show it to her. Yes I’m the girl who seeks approval even though I don’t listen to people. But I secretly seek approval of two people in my life.
For past three days all I have done is watch Castle and Gossip Girl, stayed in my room and argued with my inner self on not writing or reading. Though i did take a break from my aloofness today and went out with a friend for pancakes and coffee. I love blueberry pancakes with cream. In fact I want it right now but it’s too late.
My eyes are closing now, as I watch Girl, Interrupted. I think I should sleep, I think Winona Ryder is awesome, I think I have seen another movie that has a plot like Girl Interrupted, I think I can watch this movie hundred times again, I think I am going to sleep now…to be honest I can’t think anymore. The sleep derivation I have given to myself for no reason whatsoever has destroyed my ability to think.
“Im not a vampire, Im not a vampire, Im not a vampire” Now repeat this one more time and remember a human being sleeps at night.
I am on leave for two days because my father is unwell and alone at home. We missed the wedding. Now I’m home being a homely person. I make tea and I cook. Something I do only under “mom not home” circumstances.
Two days I did not touch my story, didn’t do anything worthwhile, wasted doing nothing at all. I need to sleep on time. Right now my head hurts because I was up till 230am doing nothing.
Yesterday I was a different kind of sad. I wasn’t angry or crying, I was actually being rational. I told myself that chances are I’m going to end up being where I don’t want to, I might end up living a lie all my life but either ways I should never forget the real me, never ever regret not even a second of my story.
Right now I want to just sleep, but I have to make breakfast for my dad, give him his medicines and then make something for myself though am not hungry at all. I’m writing through my phone as an effort to keep me awake.
I want to close my eyes so badly. I wish I would do it at night when I’m suppose to. Fckn idiot that’s what I am sometimes.