what are you thinking?

Its 1 am and everyone is asleep at my place which gives me time to sit alone and cry because of course I would never let them see the pain. No one. My dog is old and ill and it’s killing me. My stomach hurts me but seeing him is worst.

My friend, who knows there are things inside me troubling me, asked me what I am thinking. I told her I’m thinking nothing but I know she knows I lied. I’m thinking I’m going to lose him; I’m thinking he is so tiny and weak and sick. So sometimes I would just go to him and tell him I love him. He is sleeping right now; he had a doctor visit today and will have another one tomorrow. I wonder what he is thinking. Is he thinking why can’t he walk and jump around like he used to? Is he thinking why are we taking him for injections and medicines? Is he thinking why everything hurts?

I have been having stomach issues since Sunday night and I can talk about it, I tell my friends, I tell my mom and I make big fuss out of it that “I’m ill and it hurts”. He can’t do that, he can’t tell us that he doesn’t feel good or that it hurts to stand up.

I’m so sad right now but I can’t let people know or they will ask why and I’m afraid to say what I’m thinking.