Sometimes i wish i was like people who are always shiny, bubbly, hopeful and all rainbow, i wish i was. But im not, truth is im anything but happy and right now im just at a point where im trying to keep me together because i worry about myself.
I want to talk but i cant.
Tuesday night something snapped inside me, i slept blue woke up blue. Then i fell ill on Wednesday while working, nothing major just stomach issues and something inside me was jumping and dancing, happy to find an excuse to leave work. I told my boss that im not well, went home early and decided to stay home next day too. So i didn’t go to Gotham today, just stayed in my room. The whole stomach cramps were like blessing in disguise for me, because i was more of emotionally sick than physical.
How am i now? My stomach is good but im not okay. But i cant stay home tomorrow, so i will put up a smile and go live the Friday to come back and fall apart again. Some-days every cell inside my body refuses to feel hopeful, today is that day or this is that week.
Worst is i cant let people know because i dont want to be that person who likes to be sad for no reason. Yes, sure i have no sad relationship, my parents love me, i have a pretty good job finances wise, im all healthy and i have friends. But, it doesn’t mean my reason to be sad is invalid, its just invisible.
Anyhow, its just okay. Days like these happen.
I may not even be the S of sunshine but im pretty okay when it comes to pretending to be all sparkly, only right now my awesomeness has bled out leaving me all dark and blue. Its not my fault, its the whole life thing gets to you ripping apart every layer of hope and false beliefs you hide under.
I find myself going to the place i don’t want to.
I know what i need, i need a haircut, book shopping, i need to go back to badminton and few days alone in my room. The kind of mood im in right now, there is no guarantee that these things will work, but a girl can only try. Plus, i love myself too much to see myself like this.
Better go now, i have Friday to take care of before i can fall into the arms of weekend for the much needed hug.
P.S i know i might have mentioned this before but still…Brandi Carlile is awesome