Sometimes, its okay to bleed hope…!!!!

Sometimes i wish i was like people who are always shiny, bubbly, hopeful and all rainbow, i wish i was. But im not, truth is im anything but happy and right now im just at a point where im trying to keep me together because i worry about myself.

I want to talk but i cant.

Tuesday night something snapped inside me, i slept blue woke up blue. Then i fell ill on Wednesday while working, nothing major just stomach issues and something inside me was jumping and dancing, happy to find an excuse to leave work. I told my boss that im not well, went home early and decided to stay home next day too. So i didn’t go to Gotham today, just stayed in my room. The whole stomach cramps were like blessing in disguise for me, because i was more of emotionally sick than physical.

How am i now? My stomach is good but im not okay. But i cant stay home tomorrow, so i will put up a smile and go live the Friday to come back and fall apart again. Some-days every cell inside my body refuses to feel hopeful, today is that day or this is that week.
Worst is i cant let people know because i dont want to be that person who likes to be sad for no reason. Yes, sure i have no sad relationship, my parents love me, i have a pretty good job finances wise, im all healthy and i have friends. But, it doesn’t mean my reason to be sad is invalid, its just invisible.

Anyhow, its just okay. Days like these happen.

I may not even be the S of sunshine but im pretty okay when it comes to pretending to be all sparkly, only right now my awesomeness has bled out leaving me all dark and blue. Its not my fault, its the whole life thing gets to you ripping apart every layer of hope and false beliefs you hide under.

I find myself going to the place i don’t want to.

I know what i need, i need a haircut, book shopping, i need to go back to badminton and few days alone in my room. The kind of mood im in right now, there is no guarantee that these things will work, but a girl can only try. Plus, i love myself too much to see myself like this.

Better go now, i have Friday to take care of before i can fall into the arms of weekend for the much needed hug.
Goodnight World!

P.S i know i might have mentioned this before but still…Brandi Carlile is awesome

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Not everyday…!!!!

not a soul
who knows
the pain
i go through again
& again
some nights
i fight
and then some
i lose
hugging myself
there is no word
i havent spoken
to make myself someone
im not
someone
who doesnt hurt
i carry a heart
so broken and hurt
i see everyone
looking at me
i see noone
looking at the
blues i wear
darkness i stear
finding myself on the
other side
i have cried
every now and then
wondering if and when
it wont hurt, no more
i wont feel empty anymore
today i just cant walk
voices wont talk
fallen little too harder
i cant go any further
so i lie here
telling myself
its okay to fall
its okay to bleed
hope
its okay to stop
not everyday
you can pretend
not everyday
you can fool
not everyday
not everyday…!!!!

If only there was a shop for hugs…!!!!

Tired and sleepy. I want to sleep, every part in my body is begging me to fall dead till morning and i might actually do that. Im not sad im just sleep deprived which makes me sort of low. I wish i could just get a hug right now.

Leaving you guys with a scene from Up. I love this movie.

Today i said hello to Dominique & i feel peaceful right now…!!!!

When i write i feel good about myself, irrespective of everything. Right now i feel peaceful, calm and little happy. Presenting an unedited chapter from Dominique that i just worked on….

 

I could feel tears rolling down as i sat there looking at Anne, who and Mike were probably the only people who wanted me out of this place. And Abbey, who just gave up all her peace of mind to help me because somewhere deep down she feels she owes me but she didn’t.

 
“Promise me” i wiped the tears and took Anne’s hand in my hand. She couldnt look at me, as she tried her best to not fall into pieces. She was what my mother could never be and i loved Mike for marrying the perfect woman.

 
“Mike and you are the only family i have. If tomorrow they make me stay here i want you take care of Mike and yourself for me. Without you he would be lost. I want you to take care of you for me, please.” she knew and so did i that there was noway i was going to get away with what i did. i wasn’t just charged for mass murder, i was charged for possible kidnapping.

 
“Dont say that” She wiped her tears and looked straight at me with tired red yes. It was evident she hasn’t had been sleeping well which wasn’t good. “Hey, you will get out of here. Abbey said she wont let you go down. i trust her, i trust you. I need you to be okay Dom, Mike wont survive this one. i never saw him this broken, not even when…” she paused and looked away. Not even when they lost their baby. Where was i when they needed me? why wasn’t i around? My search for Kristine took away so much from me, just because i wanted her to be alive i believed she was and maybe she was, only i couldn’t find her.

 
“I am not giving up hope, not yet” Anne got up as the guards motioned visitors to leave.

 
“Tell Mike i love him” i smiled at her. My sweet Anne, just wont give up no matter how hard life has had been to her. She forgot and locked away all her pain of losing a baby, to get Mike out of the loss he felt.

 
I walked back to my cell clutching the picture Anne had brought along with her to give me, maybe she thought it would give me hope. i climbed on my bed and stared at the picture till it hurt. It was taken in hospital, when i broke my leg falling off the bridge, Mike, Anne, Tim and Kristine were all hugging me with balloons and flowers in my  hand.

 
“Hey, nobody spoils this one” I could still hear Kristine bossing around. I hugged the picture and closed my eyes to save the day in my mind. i could still see it like it was yesterday. When and how life came to this, it was hard to tell. I had no regrets , i knew if i could i would go back and try to do the same. I had to find her, if she was alive.

 
All those nights spent believing that tomorrow was the day i was going to find her, i tried to think of ways to tell her about Tim. I tried to comfort myself dreaming of her getting angry at me for not saving Tim, for being the reason he went to that place at the first place. Thinking about her  hating me was in some odd way comforting because i knew that would also mean Kristine being alive and safe. I did everything i could but i failed, i failed her, i failed Tim who must be looking down at me and wondering why i couldn’t find one person i loved more than anything.

 
Tim tell  me what to do, tell me where to look for her. I did everything, i’m sorry  I cried myself to sleep because i knew what morning was going to bring.

 

Sleep now or later, you cant avoid Monday…so, just sleep dammit!!

Yesterday I spent half of my day wondering about past, present and future. Why do we do that when nothing goes the way we plan? Or maybe things do go the way plan, only I never planned anything that happened or is happening.

Anyhow, I didn’t get my “two days in my pajamas weekend with no outing”. But I did had a refreshing break from Gotham. I wonder what kind of Monday it would be. All I know I have to get me a tetanus injection in morning as I fell today. Funny scene, don’t even ask. For the record, I’m not scared of injections or needles. I just dislike being in a hospital.

I finished my book. YES. I did not leave it in between and best part I have started with another one.

I have been meaning to post a page from Dominique or Jane Doe (this way I get to do some work on them) but my laptop is in accessible. I miss my laptop.

Today I also realised something. Sometimes I do a strange thing, I asses my conversation with people. I try to replay it in my mind to judge it on the scale of cool and lame. Because, I’m a nervous speaker and I’m bad with saying things without trying to make a fool of me. Crazy.

Which reminds me of a conversation I had with my mother today. I think she knows I’m blue, only she has no idea why. Sometimes a part of me imagine myself talking to her a real heart to heart,but that would be the end of things as I know it. She loves me, everyone around me loves me. You must be wondering how is that a problem? Someday I will explain.

I am babbling because its 130 am and my mind has officially closed its door to anything that makes sense. Got to go now. Reason I like to stay awake till late, it buys me some more time from facing a morning routine, pretending and non-stop hours of headphones on me.

Goodnight world!

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I’m part wine, part water…!!!!

Have you felt ever you are not one person? That there are two people living inside you, one messed up and other one sanity keeping you from falling over the edge. I think I am two people, a part of me is sad so sad that it usually stays sad and hates everything while the other one loves to laugh, smile, is nice to everyone and wants no part of blues around.

I want to dedicate Avril’s song Darling to myself because I wish someone would just say those words to me, tell me its okay.

My head hurts right now and with blurry wet eyes its hard to see what I’m writing. The sane part of me begs me to sleep while something inside says watch one more episode. So I watch back to back episodes to shutdown and turn off the good and bad me arguing.

Today I said something to a friend of mine and I think I scared her. She treats me her as her kid and is usually worried about me. I didn’t mean to scare her.

Its 3 am and I’m thinking donut or chocolate icecream. I wonder why I don’t have icecream in my fridge.

Among the various reasons why I’m blue and angry all the time, is also the fact that I feel like a thankless fool who has everything yet who cries unhappiness.

But, sometimes we hurt even when we didn’t fall…!!!!

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Little is busy proving something to the voices!

Excuse me for not visiting your blogs. All I need is a weekend and will go though everything I missed on.

Reason am not blogging much lately, m trying to finish a book. I want to tell the voices and myself that I don’t leave everything in between.

Have you ever felt the need of being the dependable? Someone on whom people can have faith with their eyes shut. I have this need to be the person my people can depend on, with the feeling that I will save the day.

Goodnight world!

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I forgot the rush a chess game gave me…!!!!

When my brother got the laptop fixed, he also downloaded this for me. In fear of losing I had stopped playing chess. What happened in my last year’s tournament made me not play again. But last night I had fun. I missed being the brain of small harmless chess pieces.

I missed the chess player in me. Trying to get it back 🙂

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