I saw this hindi movie today and there was this scene where the guy tells the girl that she has a Meena Kumari Complex, which means she likes to be sad and sad poems and songs make her happy. (Meena Kumari was an old actress known for her beauty, movies and sadness)
So I wonder if I have Meena Kumari complex and if I like to be sad. I spend so much time being blue that I often wonder if I can ever be happy. Once I had this thought that if one day life does change, a miracle happens and I get my dawn, would I stop being sad? I mean I don’t know how to be anything but unhappy which is crazy, because I have everything that so many people don’t have. But then having it all doesn’t make my pain small, it still hurts. No matter how fun a day goes, at the end I can’t escape the truth that I’m not what people think I’m, that I lie to people who love me, that I am scared.
so much time spent being the tragedy queen, can I ever be something else? I wonder.
Last night, I had one of my weird dreams. I wonder why my dreams are weird. Well it was one of those im-getting-married dreams but for some reason it wasn’t as scary as its normally. Usually when I have one of these dreams I end up super blue and freaked out, but not this time. Ask me why. Well, because some part of my brain decided to make the visuals and theme beautiful. I am married and living with some guy, but the place is gorgeous. We have a huge huge house on a sea facing location. The beach is surrounded with palm trees and those greek acropolis shaped gates and pillars. The place in my dream was breathtakingly beautiful. So awesome that I forgot it was a wedding dream. I think my brain has developed some kind of defense mechanism against my creepy dreams
I wish I could just close my eyes and go back to that place again. Only I know how badly I want to see that place again.
Bad news, my laptop died and needs to go to laptop doctor for repair. Thankgod I have blackberry and a tab. At first when I realised my laptop won’t start I panicked because my stories, Jane Doe and Dominique is there. Fortunately it started for few minutes, I took a quick backup of the documents and now it won’t start. 😦
I wonder how sad I would have been if I had lost my stories. Tomorrow I plan to stay home and write.
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