And she blames gravity for her fall…!!!!

I had a bad day and funny thing is nothing even happened but it was a day I can’t get out of not until I sleep it off. Nobody knows what I went through today because people who love me saw me like they see me every day, but I wasn’t okay. Okay isn’t the word I can use I was broken and dying inside. Whole day I felt this noose around my neck and a dagger in my chest making it hard to breathe, literally.

I had a panic attack and my anxiety touched the roof but to people around me I was completely okay, I don’t know if it’s a good thing or bad.

How I wish I could have just one more day off because I feel horrible inside and im not even close to an R of ready to face Monday.

And she blames gravity for her fall for no one knows what hit her…!!!!

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Taking refuge in the world of Blair Waldorf…!!!!

So I’m avoiding writing, any kind of whether its blogging or working on my story. I’m just not sure how to write, because writing makes me real and I’m trying to be not me. I’m trying to be someone, anyone but not me because the real me is messed up and needs fixing.

Im trying to bury myself in Gossip Girl and endless number of songs while keeping me up till late night so that when i actually go to bed ready to close my eyes, i would be so tired that i wont have time to think and i will automatically fall asleep…Voila…no thoughts, no blues, no tears and no nothing. But being too smart always means you are being too stupid to, for example while i try to keep me busy, exhausted and away from thoughts im also throwing me into a sleep deprived monstrous mode where i might sleep without thoughts but i wake up bitter, angry, tired, exhausted and asking for sleep.

Lately i have started keeping a small diary with me at work, which helps when im having moments where i need to blurt out things but i cant.

Let me say this, i love Blair Waldorf and she is the only reason i watch Gossip Girl or maybe she is the biggest reason among others. I love Lily and Rufus too, their love is so cute. Im not a big fan of Serena but i do kind of like it when she always leaves her stuff to be with her best friend. But i cant stop this Gossip Girl topic without mentioning Dorota. Man! she is awesome.

Truth be told this is not the weekend i wanted, i had a busy day today and will have the same tomorrow but i just need a slow boring lonely weekend where im tortured with nothing but my own company.

Today my mom asked me about the status of Jane Doe and i told her its on hold for now because i need a break. Truth is i need break from my thoughts, so i can actually write plus i need break from endless episodes of television shows that i keep downloading to burn my mind.

I’m addicted to fiction, cant get rid of my headphones and super sleep deprived…!!!!

 

 

Huh! My tears dont understand the importance of brushing before bed…!!!!

I have stopped playing Holi and celebrating this day for long now. No big reason just happened automatically, but am always grateful for the fact that its a holiday for us.

Though I had a sleepy and busy day I also found myself struggling with some old childhood memories which reminded me why I wanted to grow up. And I also found myself struggling with a sadness I can’t explain.

To add to it I end up seeing a girl playing with her dog on the street and another one walking her dog. Beautiful scene but painful.

I don’t know why I stayed awake till 530 in morning trying to keep myself busy with episodes and movies. And why I’m still awake even though I have work tomorrow. I wish I knew why I like to force my eyes and my mind to stay awake when they are clearly begging for lights to turn off.

It wasn’t a sad day but I’m.

Also, I want to apologize for missing on other blogs. Haven’t visited a lot of blogs for sometime now. Its just I don’t know how to focus on things.

Truth is right now I feel naked and exposed, no hope no belief nothing. Its like I can’t stop seeing the reality and its hurting me to know what’s going to happen tomorrow.

Feck! I just brushed my teeth and now my tears are begging me to go for the box of Ferrero Rocher in my fridge. Really?

I better sleep now before I end up actually eating one of those chocolates.

Goodnight world!

Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry.

Where is my mind?

Two days i did nothing but sleep. I have been acting like a zombie, awake but sleepy all the time. I would sit and fall asleep, get up shake my head and walk around a little try to distract myself and moments later would find me asleep again. Guess i have been too sleep deprived.

Though im sad about Monday i dont mind much because its a 4 days week with a holiday coming on Wednesday. Man! i love national holidays.

My mind is dead, i mean the thinking cells. Yesterday im sulking, im blue and im crying and today i found myself dancing in my kitchen while making coffee. What’s the deal with me? How crazy im on a scale of 1 to 10?

I cant read the Fountainhead because i dont like the book’s print; the print edition is sort of sad and difficult to read for me. My copy is sad. So now i m reading Silent House and im hoping to finish it before my online order of Sarah’s Keys arrives.

Last night’s Greys Anatomy and Glee episodes were pretty nice. I love them both but then its something you already know.

Its a crazy day because i dont know what’s my mental status. Am i happy? Am i sad? Am i confused? Am i numb? All i know i’m kind of lost somewhere. If only i had power to freeze time, if only i could fix my heart, if only i could become somebody else, if only i could end the parallel world inside me.

Sometimes i sit debating whether to read or watch a movie or episode or go out or workout and an hour later i find myself sitting just where i was wondering what happened? why didn’t i decide what to do? why i didn’t do anything at all? why and how i ended up wasting an hour or two without knowing it? Where am i so lost? Where is my mind?

I better go now, will brush my teeth and read 2-3 pages maybe or just fall asleep again like i have been doing since yesterday.

 

 

finding it hard to enjoy my favourite place…!!!!

After a long time I have come to terrace of our building. Once my favorite place, this area is now hurting me forcing me to go downstairs.

Its reminding me of Snowy. He liked being here and I enjoyed clicking his pictures as we both sat here looking at the sky.

From here I can the hills, the temple and the hospital where I was. The green view is all clear and worth spending time here. But its a sad place too because it triggers memories. Snowy, college days and the early year of shifting to this house.

Th best time to come here is when it has rained. The view is mindblowing, the clouds, hills and the trees. Although you can also see concrete jungle and a domino of buildings around but when you look up and see ahead, you forget where you are standing.

If only I had Snowy with me right now. I miss you baby, miss you so much.

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A girl can only hope….!!!!

– I want to have another dog, i so badly want to have one

– I want to meet my best friend, again want it badly

– I want to wrap up my Jane Doe and show it to my friends

– I want to quit my job

– I want to stop being the sad, depressed, unhappy and scared crying baby

– I want to stop sleeping on my alarm for my morning jogging or badminton

– I want to stop seeing creepy dreams that ruin my day

– I want to fall in love

Now, these are the things i want for myself. Usually when i pray i ask for things for people i love but since this wordpress and i’m not praying i decided to write about what i want for me.

Let’s change the mood, here enjoy the trailer….i cant wait for the movie…!!!!