Being awesome in an imaginary world is not enough…!!!!

I can’t write, I just can’t. When I became a blue person and got the darkness inside me I found comfort in writing, I started writing and wrote and wrote. But now I can’t write; I find it hard to write anything.

My anger, agony and grief are so heavy that I can’t even do things that I love to. My friend asked me out for a movie, I said no and she couldn’t get why on earth I would say no to a movie when I love movies.

It’s not just the fact that I am grieving, it’s the fact that my pain of losing Snowy has just added to the everyday hurting. All these hours that I have spent, since last night, watching TV shows were just focused on killing the thinking cells inside my head. But unfortunately I have pretty active and effective brain cells they won’t stop doing what they do, thinking…they won’t stop thinking.

Today I cleaned my room a little and found this notebook with a story, just 3-4 pages written on a plot that I once had on my mind. I re-read it and it felt nice because it made me want to sit and write. But I dint.

Here is the thing, I am a good person in the sense I have never really done anything bad to anyone but I’m a disappointment for many. For people who love me, my family and friends. Sometimes I wish I was one of those girls in my office who I personally do not like for they are so fake and crazy but at least they want normal things in life like a wedding, a husband, and a family. I am nice, not fake and less crazy compared to them but I disappoint people who love me. My stubbornness and different choices in life worries people who love me and I’m well aware of that. So what do I do? Be me or be someone they want? Either ways someone gets hurt.

A week before I lost Snowy, I had a bad 2-3 days so bad I thought I was going to lose my mind. I was dying inside but I didn’t. Things cooled down I was finally breathing but then I lost someone I can’t forget, someone I miss so much.

Yesterday night I was crying and I didn’t know why…I mean I didn’t know was I crying because of  the conversation I had with my mother 2 weeks ago or was I crying because I miss Snowy so much. Well I woke up with a dream about him so maybe I was crying because of him but then I was and even now I m thinking of my mother. How I wish she had a better person as her daughter. So basically I’m sad and broken and going crazy but for several reasons, one isn’t enough I guess.

Saddest thing is it makes me sad to not want to be me…in the world inside my head, im awesome!!


3 thoughts on “Being awesome in an imaginary world is not enough…!!!!

  1. It’s easy to believe that people won’t love you any more if you stop being the person they want you to be. But the truth is, the people who really love you, they just want you to be happy. Being knotted up inside leaves little room for happiness. Would the world really fall apart if you allowed yourself to be yourself? I think you’ll find that reality is never as bad as we imagine it to be. Never. -hugs-

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