Okay! So i have been missing in action. Don’t ask…long story but im back. Two things i realized from my absence, not writing makes me very sad, like really.
Have missed on so many blogs and posts that i follow. Man! it feels like an era of absence.
Well good thing nothing much has happened, nothing new happened and no big thing that i didnt post about. Life, in my case, is like a planet keeps moving without it feeling like it is.
I have a story building up inside my head and i want to work on it but then i have two others stories screaming attention out loud at me. I wish i was one of those people, you find at cafes sitting alone with a laptop, endless cups of coffee and a no place else to be, nothing else to do except type type type. I had a thought yesterday about my writing. I dont think im a writer, atleast not a good one but i still write because i get these ideas and stories playing inside my head. So what am i? A thinker or a writer?
I have to go now but i will be back tomorrow because this is what i do, i write…!!!!
Searching for you
i look around
a part of me
begs you to be found,
for i miss you
never met you
but i do,
i imagine us
you and me
spending every day
i call your name
i dont know you
but i want to
i have met you
dreamt of you
but never seen you
or held you,
i imagine us
you and me
having happy times
singing in rhymes
our own love song
building our own
rights and wrongs,
i try to picture
a small place of ours
filled with cards
signed ‘All yours’,
You and me
hung on the wall in frames
like we are meant to be,
down in sea
you and i
never met you
it still beats for you…!!!!
So this is it. All my favourite shows are now on their seasonal break which means no Greys Anatomy, no Glee, no Revenge, no Castle and no Vampire Diaries for next few months. Am i sad? Maybe, a little. Am i okay? Very much..verry very much. Why? Because now i have got time to focus on reading and writing.
I have been spending so much time watching fictional characters im in love with that i have stopped reading and i dont remember when was the last time to i wrote my character. So this is my time to go back to my reading and writing. Though Dexter and PLL are coming back but i can manage one episode a week than whole week of Tv shows.
So how was Monday?
I dont know, i was lost after my headphones died and i had to go through the whole day without a song.
There is a girl next to me at work she was more worried than me, because she knows how glued im to my headphones…in fact it was her who made me notice last week how i went through a whole day without my headphones. That’s when i realised man it was a busy week.
Plus its 43-44 some degrees here and i think i should officially apologies to the weather God for saying i hate winters…for surely i can take winters.i love winters. i want winters. how i miss them. Bloody summer is killing my brain cells and its just the beginning.
I have Avril Lavigne’s “Here’s to never growing up” on repeat and I’m enjoying it lottt…why? Because Avril is one of those people I fell in love when I was this weird looking school girl who was living one of the best years of her life. Also, this song is kind of my anthem, because I don’t want to grow up.
I know, I know…Little you are 27 and in few months you will be 28…you are already a grown up by the definition of it. But then, that’s the thing… or I should say that’s the freakin problem with me. I don’t act like one. I should, I’m suppose to. The day I will act my age, a lot will be solved and many people will take a sigh of relief.
Grow your hair, get rid of those sneakers, stop buying t-shirts, learn how to cook, become social and start visiting relatives and family members, stop staying up till 3, start getting up early, act responsible, talk practical, act girly and look girly, clean your room, attend family weddings and get married.
How do I do all this with my head messed up, depression being the season inside me all year round, blues being the colour of my life, anger being the song of my life, me dressed up in fear 24/7…how? Believe me I would love to just throw away all my craziness and become responsible, grown up, practical and everything I’m suppose to be. Nobody enjoys awkwardness when interrogated with:
“You know you should grow your hair”
“Why don’t you wear heel?”
“Wow? You never wore mascara?”
“OMG! You don’t wear dresses?”
“So do you have a boyfriend?”
“Hey how are you? Long time…when are you getting married?”
I can’t stop being me, which might be a good thing if you go by the philosophical and motivational posters that at scream you “Be yourself”. Only problem, whoever made those posters and sayings never met me.
I look at myself and I wonder where am I going? It’s not just how I live, how I dress up, what I believe in and how different I feel…it’s just that sometimes I can’t see anything ahead. Like I don’t believe in tomorrow, like tomorrow is a myth. My friend asked where do you see yourself few years from now and I said I don’t know. Truth is when I was a kid I was too eager to grow up, I remember being a teenager who wanted to just become a grown up. Now I’m one, at least I’m suppose to be one, but I don’t want to move. I want time to stop, just stay still. It’s not about growing old; it’s about growing every day and walking towards unknown.
I want to breathe and the more I walk towards tomorrow the more difficult it becomes, like a noose tied around me. Few days back there was a talk future, my friends were talking about getting together and working on something, like a business thing. I asked myself; where would I be then? I don’t know how people look up ahead and plan something. I don’t know how people act like they are suppose to. I don’t know how to go bed like a normal person, sleep, wake up and live a day with a smile.
When someone asks me you slept at 3? What were you doing? I can’t tell them…I was crying for some time and then I had to stay awake for few minutes to make sure I don’t sleep with crying eyes to avoid bad swelling teary eyes in the morning.
The very fact that I relate to Charlie’s teenage character from “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” book should tell you how grown up I’m.
You are not suppose to act rebellious when you are a grown up…but then you are not suppose to be damaged, twisted and living on the wrong side of sanity either.
Two most busiest days in my office life with today being the worst. At the end of the day im exhausted, tired and numb. I sit in my car and try to look for a song to plat enroute to my place, when my friend who can see me all exhausted asked me how am I even managing a straight okay face. He said if it was he would have cribbed and made fuss about the day.
This made me wonder why wasnt I making any fuss. I mean I m so so tired,eveything hurts, but I dont see myself troubled over the workload. Why?
Then I thought about it and realised why the busy days arent bothering me. I need to stay busy, super busy and lost in work. Because of my mental state. My mind is wavering and is struggling and not is not in a good place, so the more l work the less I think.
Or maybe m not worried because am a superhero…remember?
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Yesterday something inside me started sinking and it sank beyond my control. i was blue, dark and bad. I needed help, hug and fixing.
So as i kept on working today while trying to shoo off the blues from creeping in, as i had busy day, i heard voices. Like for real. A part of me was giving me pep talk. Trying to talk me out of all the crazy thoughts and how to fix me. Creepy but true, i was working while mentally talking to myself, motivating me, showing me silver lining of things etc etc.
Well, either im truly crazy or bloody hell of a multi-tasker.
I just wrote a big post about my weird mood n day. About how it was the perfect day yet i feel depressed, sad, blue, angry and helpless. But my internet died, so here i am wondering if i should have spent past one hour reading instead of clicking on refresh again and again.
Well, what can i say…today is messing up with my head.
Better go now. Goodnight world!
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I have got 3 blog award nominations by the very generous and awesome Tazein mirzasaad, thus today I would like to thank her and acknowledge her nominations.
Thank you Tazein mirzasaad for every nomination. Thank you for keeping me in your heart during every nomination you got and forwarding it over to me. You deserve them all.
Rules say I have to say something about me and pass on the nomination, but you already know a lot about me thus I would just like to pass it on to every one of you.
It’s just crazy and awesome to know what I started as just a blog is now a major part of me, and it even gets nominated for cool awards. Wow!
So how was the mother’s day? I got a haircut. And I drove in rain.
I don’t tell my mom how awesome she is, but I do love her. She is one reason I feel guilty about the kind of person I’m because it hurts her. I kind of make her worry a lot, but I wish I could tell her how much I love her. The kind of people we are, my father, my brother and me, my mom is truly awesome to still be with us. I mean we are crazy people and she still loves us.
Sometimes I wish I was a better person, someone who isn’t me. Because she deserves a better daughter, someone who would make her proud.
Thank you for loving me despite my being me. I know you won’t ever read this page and I might never say this out loud, but I love you and I am sorry for every small or big fight we ever had. Just know I love you.
Well, I have planned a surprise for her. It’s her Birthday cum Mother’s day gift and she will get it on 23 May. Hope she will like it.
Wishing you all a Happy Mother’s day.
P.S tomorrow i will visit all the blogs i have been missing on. Sorry i have been having hard time with the twistiness inside my head but i be there tomorrow.
Some days I miss you more than others and today is one such day because I can’t stop getting sad about losing Snowy. It’s like it happened today and my heart hurts so badly that I kept on saying ‘I want a dog’ again and again to my mother and I picked up a fight despite the fact that I know we can’t keep a dog right now. I was being stubborn because I was hurting, I still am.
All I want is to hug him once, just once, but I can’t do it not today, not ever. The pain came crawling to me when I parked my car outside this cafe to get me a cup of coffee; I saw this dog sleeping on the corner. I had a bread with me so I walked up to him and gave him the bread piece, he woke up and looked at me with those eyes…eyes that made me want to hug him, hug every dog in the world because I can’t hug my Snowy. I walked back to my car and kept looking at him with tears in my eyes and he was looking at me (probably confused why I woke him, because I don’t think he even looked at the bread with his sleepy eyes). I was sitting in my car crying because suddenly I couldn’t stop missing Snowy, suddenly I realised I miss him and nothing in this world can bring him back, suddenly I realised no matter how much I beg I can never see him again.
Somehow I feel no one can really get this emptiness; I mean my friends and family I know I lost something very dear but I don’t think they realise how a part of me grieves every second.
I feel tired now with the crying, worst once the tears came out rolling and i wiped them I realised I hadn’t washed my hand after eating the chilli pickle. Damn! My eyes.
I’m almost done with Sarah’s Keys and its very touching and gripping novel.
All those stories of holocaust and gassing chambers; we haven’t learnt anything. Did we? No. Because we still have religions fighting, we still have hatred; we still have countries despising their neighbors and people being enemy of each other.
Guess I’m too sad today.