Er, excuse me mister, can i buy a copy of ‘Simple steps to act like a grown-up’…

I have Avril Lavigne’s “Here’s to never growing up” on repeat and I’m enjoying it lottt…why? Because Avril is one of those people I fell in love when I was this weird looking school girl who was living one of the best years of her life. Also, this song is kind of my anthem, because I don’t want to grow up.

I know, I know…Little you are 27 and in few months you will be 28…you are already a grown up by the definition of it. But then, that’s the thing… or I should say that’s the freakin problem with me. I don’t act like one. I should, I’m suppose to. The day I will act my age, a lot will be solved and many people will take a sigh of relief.

Grow your hair, get rid of those sneakers, stop buying t-shirts, learn how to cook, become social and start visiting relatives and family members, stop staying up till 3, start getting up early, act responsible, talk practical, act girly and look girly, clean your room, attend family weddings and get married.

How do I do all this with my head messed up, depression being the season inside me all year round, blues being the colour of my life, anger being the song of my life, me dressed up in fear 24/7…how? Believe me I would love to just throw away all my craziness and become responsible, grown up, practical and everything I’m suppose to be. Nobody enjoys awkwardness when interrogated with:

“You know you should grow your hair”

“Why don’t you wear heel?”

“Wow?  You never wore mascara?”

“OMG! You don’t wear dresses?”

“So do you have a boyfriend?”

“Hey how are you? Long time…when are you getting married?”

I can’t stop being me, which might be a good thing if you go by the philosophical and motivational posters that at scream you “Be yourself”. Only problem, whoever made those posters and sayings never met me.

I look at myself and I wonder where am I going? It’s not just how I live, how I dress up, what I believe in and how different I feel…it’s just that sometimes I can’t see anything ahead. Like I don’t believe in tomorrow, like tomorrow is a myth. My friend asked where do you see yourself few years from now and I said I don’t know. Truth is when I was a kid I was too eager to grow up, I remember being a teenager who wanted to just become a grown up. Now I’m one, at least I’m suppose to be one, but I don’t want to move. I want time to stop, just stay still. It’s not about growing old; it’s about growing every day and walking towards unknown.

I want to breathe and the more I walk towards tomorrow the more difficult it becomes, like a noose tied around me.  Few days back there was a talk future, my friends were talking about getting together and working on something, like a business thing. I asked myself; where would I be then? I don’t know how people look up ahead and plan something. I don’t know how people act like they are suppose to. I don’t know how to go bed like a normal person, sleep, wake up and live a day with a smile.

When someone asks me you slept at 3? What were you doing? I can’t tell them…I was crying for some time and then I had to stay awake for few minutes to make sure I don’t sleep with crying eyes to avoid bad swelling teary eyes in the morning.

The very fact that I relate to Charlie’s teenage character from “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” book should tell you how grown up I’m.

You are not suppose to act rebellious when you are a grown up…but then you are not suppose to be damaged, twisted and living on the wrong side of sanity either.

 

 

 

7 thoughts on “Er, excuse me mister, can i buy a copy of ‘Simple steps to act like a grown-up’…

  1. Tell me about India Little. When I think of India I think of a place that is like where I live but brighter, and darker, with Bollywood instead of Hollywood. Is India really that different?

    • hahaha…This is like the most difficult question….. modern developed shiny sunny face and then there is the not so shiny still developing and still slow face…India is a kind of that…
      leave aside the religions politics and cultural thing…you will find a country with mountains, beaches, forests, rivers, sea and every beautiful thing… then there is cricket, Bollywood, indian music, indian weddings, spicy food, too much tea and coffee…
      City i live in is quite beautiful, green and modern… being an army kid i have traveled to many cities but this one is my favorite.. love the roads here 🙂

      I think its lot similar to your place only, as you said, little brighter n darker…have you ever seen any Bollywood movie?

      • My ex-husband is Anglo-Indian and was born in Calcutta so I’ve always had an interest in India. So does my daughter so we’ve seen a few Indian movies – favourite is Monsoon Wedding – but I don’t think we’ve seen any of the Bollywood ones. They’re like musicals almost aren’t they?

      • most of the bollywood movies are musical..you should check out Barfi and Chak De…Barfi is super cute..it doesnt has much dialogues just background narration which would be easy to get… i have not seen monsoon wedding..
        Do you know Calcutta is now called as Kolkata? havent been to that part of India..its in Eastern side,…i live in North India..close to capital city New Delhi…

  2. Are you really that messed up little?
    If yes then don’t be! Just take care and go with the flow. This “Going with the flow” makes life a lot easier. 🙂

    Love!

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