I need a hug, xanax doesn’t work on Superheroes…!!!!

Sometimes you are just what you are a liar, a tear hidden behind the smile and a poker face.

I will always be this even for people who love me.

I have stopped taking stupid pills, i think they are making me more sad. Plus, im dizzy and zombie like half of the day.

Nadal lost his first game, Federer lost the second…is it a sign? I hope not.

Got to go. I need hug, i don’t need pills, i need a hug.
Goodnight world !!!!

Posted from WordPress for Windows Phone

History can repeat itself, but not tomorrow…!!!!

I haven’t talked to anyone about my diagnosis and I’m kind of avoiding writing about it because I’m not sure how I feel about officially being diagnosed. Probably because I think I always knew now others know.

I had a good weekend and from tomorrow starts the annual chess tournament of Gotham. I can’t say I’m not freaking out, because I have a pretty good memory which makes it hard to forget last year. But I can say I have little confidence, that I will try my best to not make a fool out of me.  Tomorrow I can’t let history repeat itself; I can’t let myself go down the same road again. I’m already on the edge, I need a hand and tomorrow I will give myself one…hand of hope.

This is me giving myself pep talk because tomorrow I’m playing for myself, I’m Team Me.

I don’t know much, I have no talent just an ability to write stories and play Chess. I don’t know if its okay for me to be positive, for me to believe it will be easy, it will be awesome, but I want to believe it will. Maybe I will win tomorrow and day after tomorrow and again, maybe I will be send my story and get a Yes from the publishing house. Maybe I will fall in love someday. Maybe one day I will tell my mom and she will understand. Maybe one day I will travel and find someone like me.

There are ‘Maybes’ that I want to see but for now, right now I want to believe in ‘Maybe I will play my best and do well, make me proud’.

So here I’m ready for the game and by Friday (or maybe even before) I will send my story to the first publishing house in my list.

Got to go now, have to read few pages before I pop in the idiotic pills that make me groggy.

Goodnight world!

P.S leaving you with pictures of the day

WP_20130623_013[1]

WP_20130623_004[1]WP_20130623_002[1]

WP_20130623_003[1]

 

 

 

 

a story…!!!!

I want to

Write a story

Of me and you

I want to

Write how much

I love you

I want to

Sing for you

Dance with you

But I’m blue

Away from you

Unknown

Unaware

Of you

Of we

I can’t see

You

So

I grow

Sad

Every then

And now

Somehow

I pretend to stay

Happy & gay

I hold on to

Hopes of seeing you

It all can’t be wrong

Love can’t be

Just anti me

It’s for everyone

We all have

Someone

I have you

I’m sure

I just don’t know you

But I will do

Someday

I will write

A story of you

And me

Of us and we

I will see

Us on post cards

Sitting in a yard

Of a house

Someplace

There is grace

Am so sure

Of being yours

It’s dark now

But I know

In my heart

It’s all sunny

Someday I will say

Something funny

And you will laugh

Full or half

We will have a story

Of you and me

Of us and we

Because I will

Tell you

Tell everyone

How we met

How I won

You

How we became us

I see us

I see a story

Of not glory

Of you and me…!!!!

 

When little was diagnosed with Panic Disorder…!!!!

Its been a heavy day today. I dont know if this this is good or bad, surely bad in a way but maybe good too. Dont know. I need to sleep today, my mind is blank. Like completely blank, have no emotions or feelings.

Goodnight World!

Dancing inside my head…!!!!

Everything is crazy right now inside my head, it’s all a big mess but the funniest thing is that despite of all the twistiness inside me I today mark 6 years in Gotham city. It’s a big day for me for many many many reasons. Not just because I complete 6 years in a company but because I had an unbelievable journey in past 6 years.

The day I gave my interview changed a lot for me, in fact changed everything for me. I love my self but don’t consider myself as a good person, or a responsible one, and when I see at this one and the only achievement of my life I feel emotional. Wasn’t I standing on the wrong side of the edge when I got this job? These past 6 years gave me friends, responsibility, a sense of self respect and saved me from my own darkness. Yes I’m all twisty again but the journey I had saved me.

One fine day I’m sitting in my dentist’s room with my mouth wide open and some kind of drilling equipment making scary noises, when I get a call about some job interview. I’m young, I’m lost and I’m blue in a bad way so I dismiss it but a friend of mine convinces me saying just an interview probably. I get up next day and ask myself what’s the harm in going; I have to find a job anyhow. And I walk in to an interview that changed everything.

My first salary was nothing but the feeling it gave me to my dark and twisty self, it was priceless. I have spent a large amount of my grown up life crying at night, feeling guilty and being ultra blue but when I got  my first cheque, bought a phone from my own salary, paid for my car and completed 6 years …every single moment was like God telling me ‘Hang on’…!!!

My parents are proud of me, I know they are disappointed and worried but they have a sense of pride because I’m independent. This is a big thing for me, because I have always lived in fear of being a failure both professionally and personally. So when I look at this thing that I have with this job I feel good about myself, like I’m not that lost.

Though I see myself becoming the person I was before I had this job and before I met my saviour, I feel so happy right now. I’m grateful and thankful, yes I may never sound like someone who respect what I have but I’m. Unfortunately I have lost my control over my emotions and the right-time-right-face ability.

In these 6 years I have also made friends I am so thankful for. Every time I thank God for this job, I also say thank-you for the people I met. Maybe that’s why it gets so difficult now at Gotham but that doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate having it in my life.

Right now I’m high on emotions and I am missing a friend, someone who made my journey an adventure. You don’t meet people so amazing just like that; you need to have my kind of luck.

This day was my Dawn when I needed it back then, just like I need one again. Some days are so important that no amount of twistiness can take it from you, so you smile even when you had forgotten to because it’s like Christmas you just have to have that shine.

 

High Above…!!!!

I have been imaging a scene for a story that is circling my mind and somehow i ended up writing this…

Eyes so blue

Right then

Right there

I knew

I was gone

Fallen

Fallen so hard

Head over heels

Every part of me

Squeals

Even now

Don’t know how

But I think I have

Definitely, have

Fallen in love

Fallen from

High above

For her

Since then

Forever

She lives inside

My head

My heart

Is no more

In my possession

Like an obsession

She lives with me

Even with eyes closed

I see

Her

She walked

Away

‘Stay’

I told myself

Never moved

My heart

Still lives

Right there

Where

I fell

In love

I fell from

High above….!!!!

I dont want to be a Super Hero, i want to be a Story Teller…!!!!

Yes it rained today and yes I had Me-Time, so I think I’m okay with Monday hanging on my head. Today I wrote a page, random scene, just something that came to my mind so I scribbled it down for fun sake. Writing makes me happy, it’s like a drug.

I have started read Dead Scared by S.J Bolton, hope the book is good, so far it is. After this I will start with And The Mountains Echoed, because I’m a big fan of Khaled Hosseini’s previous two books. The man is a genius. His first book is one of those two books I recommend everyone. Reading work of such people make me want to be one of them, a writer, an author, a story teller.

Tomorrow is going to be a busy day because that’s how it has been for past few weeks, plus a new intern from Turkey is going to join. So I have to train him. Sometimes I sound like a different person to my own ears, because when I’m working I’m different. In a busy heavy routine, trying to work with people around me I often look at myself from outside and say “good job girl, you are keeping your calm”.

Got to go. Will read few pages before I sleep.

Goodnight world!

O btw, I love this song from Demi Lovato