Sometimes having a good time can make you feel guilty or maybe its just me. You are not made for darkness i tell myself but it all sounds phoney to my ears.
I have been told that i have changed as a person. I have and i cant explain why.
For past few days i have been thinking about things in general. About days that i cant relive, people i miss and changes that have scarred inside of my heart. Last night i cried a lot because i couldn’t stop thinking about Snowy and that last moment of his. The moment when he stopped breathing and when my brother and i carried him to the car. Kills me. It wont go away. This is why i cant talk about him.
I am not sure where my life is going. The only good thing that happened out of my Panic Disorder phase is that my mother knows something is wrong with me.
Truth is i am worried that another season of changes is going to come and hit me hard and break few more bones of hope. Im worried i will be left battling more changes. Dont know why but i am scared.
Anyhow, you know what i need right now? A cup of coffee and a new Book. Its funny how despite having a good evening im so low and upset. I was out dancing with office people and it was a fun evening, but now that im alone and have remove all the pretenses off my face, i cant stop feeling sad and empty.
At last i have my weekend and i can work on my story. Two days of sulking and writing is what i need. Or maybe i should just take my car to the city and buy as many books as possible.
Everybody loves Raymond and im not him…!!!!