I dont know about beautiful, but world is 3D for sure…

World might be beautiful but it’s also 3D…we all see it from different angles!!!!

I think im losing my mind or maybe its the week. Past 2-3 days haven’t been fun, so today i woke up telling myself to just survive for few hours and then it would be okay, weekend is here. Plan was simple, i was going to drown myself into music and have as many cup of coffee as possible. Then it happened. Life said Fck you Little. My headphones died on me. They wont work. Of all the days, today they decide to die on me.

I mean im already tired and exhausted with all the crying, the headache is killing me and all i needed was a song to stop thinking. A cup of coffee and some music to kill the voices in my head. Did i ask for too much? Dont think so.

I think i almost ended up crying atleast i was about to, luckily i have friends who for no reason or some reason kind of like me despite my being a total pain to them. So my friend got me extra headphones. Its not about the fact that my headphones stopped working, its just that im exhausted and i just need everyone to stop for a second and hold me tight for im breaking into million pieces.

I’m doomed to suffer i know that but some days the fact just wont stop poking me. It would just not leave me and man i hate such days. I can pretend all i want about things truth is if you look at the world from where i stand, you will see how dark and selfish it is.

How hard is it to surrender? All i need to do is give up but i wont even do that. I want to be my hero, fight and get hurt everyday. Quit already. Nope. Just wont do.

Not because i was shy…!!!!

Dear Diary,

How are you?

Do you still carry?

All the words

I wrote to you

Is the world

Inside

Still has the girl

Who used to hide?

From every face

Every eye

Not because

She was shy.

Do you keep

Those secrets

I scribbled

With hate

And anger

Of being lonely

Different

& ugly

I hope not.

Every thought

I wrote

Wasn’t real

But the fear

Those tear

Drops on the corner

Of blotted ink

Were a different

Story

Of pain and worry

Friends i lived with.

I remember diary

Very clearly

I was lonesome

A forlorn little

Girl

There were some

Confessions

Many painful expressions

You listened

You took them all

With you there

Was no wall.

I hope

Its safe

The confession made

The secrets said

The truth whispered

The darkness shared.

You knew me well

You knew both

Hyde & Jekyll

Living inside me

For i was never free

Of pretending

Smiling & nodding

When all i wanted

Was to be mend

For i was broken

Fallen

Pieces of dejection

Seeking affection

For the other me

The one hidden

Behind the smiles

Driven

Miles

Away from everyone.

For no one

Gets it

I think

I wrote

All that

& more.

Are there any

Happy words?

Maybe not many

But a few threads

Of peachy lines

Saying things like

Im fine

Sky is blue

Trees are green

World is not

Always mean.

Diary

There is no way

I never wrote of

A happy day

Im sure i did

I remember

Smiling & dreaming

Or were they

Dreams for real

Not a memory

Scribbled down

Among the many

Frowns

I drew

On you.

Diary i need

You to read

Me

Few of those

Love songs

I wrote

In the world

Of right and wrongs

I fell

Hard in love

Broken

From toe to above

I was happy & in pain

For i saw rain

Of sorrow & ache

A heart so broken

No one wants to take.

I loved

But truth was shoved

Down my head

You follow the thread

Not a step away

So i did

I hid

Inside your arms

Holding your face

Diary you were my saving grace.

For i had a journey

Of a withering tree

Standing tall

Yet not free

In you i was hiding

From the big blue sky

Not because i was shy…!!!!!

#Respect #Respect #Respect

I think being a celebrity is fun but in long run we forget that a star on the big screen is just another human being with same emotions, fear, apprehensions, dreams, worries, anger, pain and confusion that we go through, in our lives.

I dont know about anyone else but im so so proud of #EllenPage and has this huge respect for her. She has come a long way from being a good actress to this huge inspiration. This speech by Ellen is in itself so inspiring and helpful to so many of those people who are still fighting and struggling with their inner fear and pain, all alone.

Hatred and fight for freedom is not going to end but when a celebrity, people look up to, stands up it inspires many other scared souls to do the same…stand up for themselves. Truth is no matter who you are, when you have to fight for equality it’s not easy.

Right now i have just one word for Ellen #Respect

Look Friday what you made me do…!!!!

books

Friday made me do it…seriously, its all Friday’s fault that im shopping books. Why? Well i buy books when im beyond help and Friday took so long to come this week that i went all crazy inside my head.

Last night i was angry, so angry that i was in no fun mood whole day today and all i wanted was to get out of work. So i was suppose to shop books for a friend’s birthday but i ended up buying for myself. Dude! what’s wrong with  me? Why cant i control when im in a book shop? I mean i take forever to finish a book, yet i take only 2 seconds to buy a new one. Huh! i must be pretty messed up inside i guess.

I cant say im happy right now but pretty calm unlike, yesterday.

Good news is i was hurting so bad that i promised myself a writing weekend and im pretty much going to  keep it. I’m going to work on my story. Yay is good but lets not do the dance just now. Let’s just write one page first.

Before i go…40 Day dream is on replay for days…do i need therapy or another song?

Hate all those “Be Yourself” posters…!!!!

A part of me can see the future or can predict it but that doesn’t mean im a psychic. I’m just a girl who knows more about life than she shows. Truth is every smile is an effort to walk a little more because deep down i know there is no Dawn.

Some days i just want to talk and talk and talk it all, every single word inside me wants to come out because the pain is tearing  me hurting me. But i just sip another cup of coffee, watch another episode, read few more chapters and then bury my head into endless number of songs.

Genie in the bottle, Santa Claus, blue fairy are all as real as me being a super hero.

Some days i feel angry for being different, for being so complicated and i just hate myself but there are days when i just want to hug myself and tell myself i’m a good person. But how does it matter? How does any of it matter, when there is no miracle or dawn at the end of the tunnel?

Man! i guess its the lack of sleep. I better sleep or i will turn angry Hulk, im already a sad Hulk.

All those posters and sayings of “Be yourself” makes me even more angry.

Goodnight World!

Why is there a Thursday & Friday between Wednesday & Saturday?

Im going through a weird phase, my mind is full of scattered thoughts and the emotions inside me are fix of everything from fear, happiness, sadness, anger to confusion.

I need sleep. That and a haircut, but sleep is like way too important.

You know i dont know about grown ups but kids they love me. All of them, at least the ones i know. Well, isn’t that awesome.

Goodnight World!