If i a have choice to be born as someone else, i would probably not take it because i have had a good life so far and the people i have in my life are my life. But, some days i do wonder what if i had choice to not be me.
Lying all day all night, pretending and faking has made me a bitter and mean person which kind of hurts people and me too. I realise how i have become the bad guy among people in my life, directly and indirectly. Either they don’t know this maybe or they are just not sure how to fix it. I wasn’t this bad-ass mean person; i was once a girl who was nicer. Before i became the misfit, before i found out why i always was different, before i found how i can never be a part of sunshine world, before i realized how i am two different person in one body – one is what im and one is for what people want to see. Before all this, i was quite a nice little girl with not a single bone of meanness inside her.
Since im kind of cranky right now, i think i shouldn’t write much so im going to leave two songs i discovered and cant stop listening to. The one by Lesley Roy is probably written for me. I think even if i delete everything and just upload this one song, you would get my state of mind cause the lyrics are just i want to say.
This second one is probably way better than the original one. I think this guy has sung better than Bob Dylan and Adele. I cant stop listening to this one even though i am all Hulk right now. Right now, i feel like Kathleen Kelly from that scene where she closes her shop, walks home and sits alone in a corner with a soup bowl wondering where to go from there, feeling all lost and beaten by universe.
Today i wanted to do a post on a singer i can’t stop listening. But maybe some other day, because i don’t know when, and how, i wasted all my time. Why it is that during the day time at Gotham is long and never ending, while at night it moves like a Jet Plane.
I’m a night creature by habit, i live when everyone is asleep which is kind of creepy and weird but I’m fine with those adjectives. Right now i feel cold and kind of tired.
Funny thing is when i was thinking of telling you about my favourite singer i realised it’s difficult to choose one. I have more than one favourite music person. It’s like every day i cheat on each one of them by playing another’s music on loop. One day it’s Avril, another day it’s Brandi or Adele or some days it’s a band and some days i only listen to cover singers.
Who is your favourite singer? Can you take one name?
Like today whole day i was working, living and breathing on Avril’s new album playing in my mp3 player but now i am stuck on Brandi’s music, because i think she is awesome. See, what i mean? Anyhow, i think i better sleep.
I wanted to read, i wanted to write and i wanted to watch some episode but i did nothing because time slipped by and now it’s almost 1 AM.
I miss Snowy. My room is such a lonely place now without him. He was the best roommate ever. Goodnight world!
Today I realized something I can’t write or my writer brain doesn’t works during the day or when there are people around.
After missing day 1 and day3 of NaNoWriMo, today I worked on more than 3000 words which aren’t great because as per the flow chart at this rate I will finish my book on 10th December…bloody too slow. Well I can’t even say 3000 was good because I had marked 4000-5000 as my target for today and I failed because I was distracted all day, wasted time here and there. All my output came when the day was almost over. Now so much of writing has made me dizzy and I don’t even know what crap have I written, didn’t even read it again. So tired and numb.
Hopefully I have one more holiday before I report back to Gotham. I can’t keep same target for tomorrow but 3000 like today would be decent. Someday I might post a scene or page from Jane Doe. With Dominique I work scene to scene, sometimes I write the start, sometimes the body or sometimes the end. In fact I worked on major scenes first before I worked on the start of the story. In Jane Doe’s case I started from start but today I also worked on a major scene from the later on part of the story.
I have been using Digital Daggers, soundtrack of Suckerpunch and Adele’s Skyfall for my work along with Greg Laswell. Music helps a lot. But when I’m in my room late at night with everyone else asleep and complete silence, my brain actually works well and fast.
Got to go now, brain fried 😛 …will watch something to relax and then sleep.
Today I had a moment where I wanted to quit my job and become a bird watcher or an environmentalist. I wanted to learn all about environment, birds, trees and the green world and do what nature followers do. Not that I’m saying their job is easier than mine, in fact I think it’s too difficult to be them.
Reason I said I wanted to a nature observer was because I wanted to go outside stay in the open feel the air, instead of being stuck in a small depressing cubicle where all I do is put on my headphones to give people sign that I’m busy, whereas I’m just dying inside of nothing.
I often like to take a break and walk up to the window in our washroom to just look outside and feel the sun-rays and greenery of a tiny little tree at the backside of our office. Weird?
I think I know why I’m having trouble fixing me, why it’s different his time. My crazy part and my rational part are sort of in a tug of war and end result I’m fluctuating.
Sunday I did something stupid, something that can be easily described as carelessness. Although the blunder I did was amusing to people with me, I couldn’t find it amusing. All I wanted to do was scream out loud at myself. I was like “What d fck is wrong with you?” It was a classic example of how much I’m lost lately.
Sometimes I wish I was a singer, because singers are awesome people. I mean Avril, Adele, Gaga, Brandi and all those amazing people who live in my phone are like so awesome. I wish I could sing and express everything that I feel. I mean I know I can write but still. Which reminds me i still have no story, I mean I had but I don’t have it anymore. Why? How? Simple, my story that I was very happy to come up with holds so much resemblance to Dominique. Everything I think of is being overshadowed by Dominique. I’m just too invested in it.
Voices tell me to quit NaNoWriMo even before it has started, but I’m not giving up even if I end up writing crap I will write everyday till I can. Like I said before if I’m going down, I’m doing it my way.
Sitting on the floor of my living room with my laptop and a horribly gone wrong coffee, i am trying to work on my concept for NaNoWriMo. Music in background is Glee Mashup of Rumor has it/Someone like you. Gosh! Adele is like super awesome.
I have one hour before i get up, get out of my pajamas and get ready for the dentist appointment. Right now, right here, i wish time would stop. Feel so calm, so peaceful and so safe. Man! I love lazy Saturdays.
Saturday Batman day…!!!! 🙂
She breaks into million pieces everyday
but she knows it’s dark
when she hears every piece breaking and giving away
when without a scar pain makes a mark
but it’s the darkest
when she closes her eyes to the secrets
because she sees none
but herself all alone
she knows no love, no smile
not even for a while
she cant forget or yawn
imagining no darkness
no pain or mess
for fear never leaves her
like a heartbeat it ticks
inside her forever
she knows no flavour
She knows no color