Step one, step two, step three…step thousand & eighty three…!!!!

She has been walking

For hours

For years

All alone

For miles

Yet its the same

The road

The sky

The load

Of her emptiness

Is her only

Companion

Her Oblivion

Is her only friend

So much walking

She finds herself

At same place

With no grace

She is a face

With questions

She throws

At the birds

The crows

The wall

The sky

And then few more steps

Few more turns

She stifles a cry

Drags herself

From left to right

All alone

With heart so

Heavy like a stone

She is bitter

Punished by her own existence

To her

Nothing makes sense

Where and when it all began

The plan

Of universe

The mess

She has fallen into

Step one

Step two

Step one thousand & eighty three

When will she get free

For she wants no more

Of hopes and words

Sticks and stones and swords

Mean nothing to her

For

She fears the unseen

She wince

In pain

I quit she says

Yet she stays

On the road to nowhere

So much of moving

Still is here

She never moved

She never will

Standing still

Even after years of struggle

In the misty road of pain

She snuggles

up to herself in vain

How long has she been walking?

How long has this sadness been stalking?

She asks once more

She has lost the count and score

It comes back to

Step one

Step two

Some more tears

Another silent sniffle

And step three

Step four

Hundred more

To go

Thousands more to count

While she continues to mount…!!!

Is Superman allowed to be scared of flying?

My room and my car are two of my most favorite places on this planet, because i feel safe when im with myself. That is the saddest thing to say but its the story of my life.

Another sad thing about life is that im scared of doing things i love. Its second day of NaNoWriMo and i still haven’t written a word. I blame it on the fact that i have no internet connection, but truth is im avoiding writing for no reason. The writing thing is just one of many things im scared to go for. I wont even go mentioning other stuff because it would make me sound crazy to my own ears. A part of me wonders how much damaged im, because some nights i hide in my sheets and cry myself to sleep and then there are days im all sunshine, dancing on my bed for no reason.

Fact is im scared of being happy, of being sad, of being scared, of being angry all the time…im scared of every emotion that i feel.

Im even scared of getting another dog. I wonder why cant i be that girl in Gotham who i don’t like. I mean sometimes even she seems way saner than me. I mean, yes, she is crazy in her ways but i think being her would be better than being me. All she worries about is her nails, her hair, her shopping, her looks, her dresses and her being center of attention all the time. Here im dark and twisted, scared of doing things i love or want, crying all alone,wanting to be alone and believing in and hoping for a miracle.

I really don’t know why im writing all this, because truth be told right now my mood is all good. In fact the whole festival and extended weekend thing has made me a bright shiny bulb. But i still cant stop wondering why im scared of writing the story i have on my mind. Why im scared of things that make me happy?

Happy but thoughtful…!!!!

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We are ready to send humans to Mars soon, but we dont have a Hug-Machine…sad!!!

I think these are just tears of exhaustion. Imagine if life was simple as going to fridge and opening it to get a hug or calling the home delivery store for a hug or just snapping a finger to get hugged. Nah! Life isnt that simple. Its hard, you dont get a hug just because you want one. Not if you live a life of someone who likes to or prefers to be aloof and alone.

I just finished my second James Patterson novel and he is good. Really good. Both the books were so hard to keep down. This second one 9th Judgement was kind of crazy with so much thrilling suspense. I plan to read all of his Bennet and Lindsay series. My bloody internet has died and I have decided to do something about it once we are back from the family wedding. So no internet, no tv shows which means all I have got are the books. Bring it on.

I need another cup of coffee but I think I should just sleep early. The week has been nothing but a crappy set of busy days which in a way am greatful about. I hate slow days, makes me think and go blue. But busy days are breaking me physically.
Everyday im so exhausted that I have no energy for workout. There goes my resolution to exercise daily.

Imagine im actually looking forward to a family wedding that could be hard on me. Why? Five days off from work. Its like there is no win win. Work or a vacation that consists of wedding, relatives and people looking at you with those “you are next” looks. Lovely.

With so much science we still dont have a hug machine? Shame. If only I was smart enough to make one. I had a bear once, where did he go?

Got to go for im afraid if I didnt go sleep, I will make me one of those instant coffee with sachet and hot water.

Goodnight world!

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Sometimes, its okay to bleed hope…!!!!

Sometimes i wish i was like people who are always shiny, bubbly, hopeful and all rainbow, i wish i was. But im not, truth is im anything but happy and right now im just at a point where im trying to keep me together because i worry about myself.

I want to talk but i cant.

Tuesday night something snapped inside me, i slept blue woke up blue. Then i fell ill on Wednesday while working, nothing major just stomach issues and something inside me was jumping and dancing, happy to find an excuse to leave work. I told my boss that im not well, went home early and decided to stay home next day too. So i didn’t go to Gotham today, just stayed in my room. The whole stomach cramps were like blessing in disguise for me, because i was more of emotionally sick than physical.

How am i now? My stomach is good but im not okay. But i cant stay home tomorrow, so i will put up a smile and go live the Friday to come back and fall apart again. Some-days every cell inside my body refuses to feel hopeful, today is that day or this is that week.
Worst is i cant let people know because i dont want to be that person who likes to be sad for no reason. Yes, sure i have no sad relationship, my parents love me, i have a pretty good job finances wise, im all healthy and i have friends. But, it doesn’t mean my reason to be sad is invalid, its just invisible.

Anyhow, its just okay. Days like these happen.

I may not even be the S of sunshine but im pretty okay when it comes to pretending to be all sparkly, only right now my awesomeness has bled out leaving me all dark and blue. Its not my fault, its the whole life thing gets to you ripping apart every layer of hope and false beliefs you hide under.

I find myself going to the place i don’t want to.

I know what i need, i need a haircut, book shopping, i need to go back to badminton and few days alone in my room. The kind of mood im in right now, there is no guarantee that these things will work, but a girl can only try. Plus, i love myself too much to see myself like this.

Better go now, i have Friday to take care of before i can fall into the arms of weekend for the much needed hug.
Goodnight World!

P.S i know i might have mentioned this before but still…Brandi Carlile is awesome