Recipe of me…!!!!

Mix few glasses of anger

With little swagger,

A jar of tears

Salty yet so clear,

A spoon of awesomeness

A bag full of emotional mess

Few cups of hopelessness,

Pain and sorrow

One box each

10-12 glasses of fear

Some scream some screech,

½ a cup of fault

All the parts

Of a finely shredded heart,

Garnish it with anxiety

& breathlessness,

Pinch of stress

And perfectly cut pieces

Of facelessness

emptiness

& lies,

Stir it neatly

And you might

get it right,

The recipe

Of creating me….

 

 

 

Have you seen my awesomeness? Can’t find it…

So i had a bad Sunday with some really weird kind of Nervous breakdown or whatever it was. Was bad, really bad and i cant even tell you what all went inside my head. But im all okay now. Okay but pissed because yesterday some moron banged his scooter right in my car. Some really crazy girls were trying to cross the road without looking at the traffic, so i had to press BRAKE for them but the scooter guy doesn’t get to do the same and BANG.

My poor car has had some really bad time in past 2 years, poor car i must say.

Today i really missed my diaries, so much that at one point i almost made my up mind about buying a brand new diary and pen to start writing. But then i realised i shouldn’t. A part of me is tempting me to go back to writing diaries but I’m not sure if it’s a good idea to go back to old habits.

Good thing i have been sleeping early and playing every day for past 2-3 days. But whoever said that a good 8 hours sleep and exercise is good for depression didn’t knew me or was never depressed. You know i always believed that my blues were the reason i wrote stories but i guess i was wrong because i cant write anymore. Weird i cant even read.

and 124...phew...i still feel bad...

and 124…phew…i still feel bad…

Lately, everyone is discussing the politics around because of the whole election season but i kind of have no opinion. Its like i dont care about anything.

I think i have lost my mojo. I cant feel my awesomeness or anything even remotely close to it plus i dont even feel like dancing on my bed with loud music. Man! that’s the worst.

Little Hulk…!!!!

Was suppose to be a happy weekend, but i guess that word kind of has some issues with me. Anyhow, weird but am looking forward to go back to Gotham tomorrow.

I am worried about my awesomeness…its all down to minus 20.

Before I go I want to say “Thankyou Veena Sud” for The Killing. What show.

The Green Batman…!!!!

Just a busy week or should i say busy month…whatever it is, bloody ruining my awesomeness. Right now i would just love to get up, quit and walk away. But then its not me, its the anger that’s doing the talking.

Yep! Angry that’s what im.

Am suppose to work right now but m blogging because im angry and i don’t care about Gotham’s rules, at least not right now. Cause right now am more of Hulk than Batman, so i don’t care or want to care.

Superheroes don’t get vacation, they get battles & secrets.

Posted from WordPress for Windows Phone

Thankyou & Happy Valentines….!!!!

Past 2-3 days have been kind of hard on me and I wonder if it would make me sound crazy when I say “I’m blue because my Snowy is old, ill and going to his vet everyday”. Truth is on Tuesday when doc said that he cannot be operated upon because of his age and medication is all we have, something hit me hard. It’s like people are giving me that look where they don’t want to say it but are saying it. That night I cried and so I didn’t blog or even read (so much for the book challenge). I couldn’t stop the tears as I tried to sleep. So now every time my dog poops everyone in my family breathes a sigh of relief, especially me. I may pretend to be okay but I’m not. I know some people might think he is just a dog but its breaking my heart.

Anyhow, since he is little better today and since its Valentine I must talk happy right? Yep. So before I forget Happy Valentine to all of you. It was just a normal day for me, in fact I have been skipping my lunch time and going to Snowy’ Vet for past 4 days now and I did the same today. But I did celebrate with coffee and donut and loads of love songs in my phone.

Fact that I’m in no celebration mood makes me happy that all my friends were busy today and I had no plans. I needed me and I got that. Truth is I wake up 2-3 times in night when I realize he is trying to get up because I’m afraid he will fall. He can hardly walk straight now.

Okay sorry I went back to the sad topic.

So now the big thing, blog birthday. Three years ago I started a blog because everyone was blogging and I wanted to blog, share my views, talks about things the way I see but then life scored over me and I stopped blogging for a while. I did blog occasionally but not that much. I never followed anyone, had no blog friend back then and there weren’t many followers for me either.

One fine day I said good bye to my diaries and took over blogging religiously because I needed to write, talk and share but only about things hurting me, voices in my head, my obsession about being a super hero and everything else in and around me. I soon found people, nice people, who started talking to me, liking my posts and visiting me. Best part was I started following blogs and people who made me see world like I hadn’t seen before. Sometimes I wonder if I’m cheating on my diaries but then I guess I’m and there is nothing I can do about it now. My only regret is I ended up giving my blog address to so many friends back when I started it and now I wish I hadn’t.

Someday, someday, I wish to talk about the real thing but till then I rather vent out about my day, the voices, my awesomeness, my secret love story, the dawn, superheroes, Dominique, Jane Doe, music, fiction, my ability to not sleep on time and everything that I love.

Blogging made me meet NaNoWriMo, which made me write Jane Doe. A novel of my own. Ultra crazy.

My blog posts are mostly blue, rarely do I write something happy and romantic, yet I’m loved by you people. Little is so so thankful to you all for being there. ..

thankyou

The most appropriate song right now is

But since its Valentine i will share some of my favorite happy love songs with you people:

Truth is im romantic somewhere inside but im so blue that all my emotions get clouded with agony and anger. I once had a dream and i think i posted about it too; in this dream i was getting married to someone i loved and i was happy. I have never been so happy in a dream because i cant remember any dream as clearly as that.

Someday i wish life would let me fall in love, no adjustments, no sacrifice, no more lying, just love true love with honesty. Till then i have hope and dreams, i mean i can live all my love stories in my dream and no one can take that from me.

There may not be a Dawn, but there is a dream of You…!!!!

awesomeness refilled…!!!!

Its late and I have morning badminton plans, so I won’t write much. Plus, right now I’m speechless.
Because people I just wrapped up Jane Doe. Officially my story is complete, yes there is hell of editing and days and days of re-reading but the story is wrapped up.

I feel happy, emotional and proud of my dark and twisted brain. I maybe broken beyond repair but I just complete my freakng story.

Time to sleep. Tonight I sleep with a smile on my face, maybe few tears of joy too.

Goodnight World!

Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry.

Being the odd one out…weirdly creepy or awesomly awesome?

Do you know that girl who walks into a party in her t-shirt, denims and canvas shoes with zero makeup and messy hair? That would be me.

I hate to go to parties because I don’t drink, I don’t like crowd and out of 50 people not a single one is usually my friend. But today I found another reason to dislike parties.

Girl: hey what are you wearing for the office party?
Me: aa..whatever, I haven’t thought much about it
Girl: o come on, you have to wear a dress. You know I bought a black dress. Here I will show you the pictures.
Me: Nice…great dress
Girl: right? I bought it on sale. So what are you wearing?
Me: I don’t know
Girl: Don’t tell me you are wearing what you always wear? you have to wear a dress. You can take one from me.
Me: (banging my head on the wall mentally)
Girl: you know blah blah blah
Girl: and blah blah blah
Me: smiling nodding wondering why the hell I’m even standing there. Later realising I was waiting for the washroom to get vacant.

So, I don’t like girls who think drinking, flirting, partying and getting wasted is fun. While I don’t mind all this (I don’t mind because I’m too self absorbed to notice others for how they live), but I do not like people who judge others on based of what they wear, how much they party, what they drink and how much friends they have.

Only I know how badly I want to avoid the office party, but won’t be able to unless there is a miracle.

Today (no I’m not talking about just this conversation) Gotham was mean to me. At one point, I was at my seat trying to block all the noises with my headphones, while begging my tears to stay right where they are inside and not fall out. I messaged my mentor and best friend and told her I missed her. Truth is when she was with me at Gotham, it was the safest place on earth. Now it just hurts everyday.

Sometimes I wonder how easy would life be if I turn into one of those girls around me. No issues except boys, parties, dresses, shopping and booze. Who is better them or me? They might be crazy nutheads but at the end they do not run from people, are social, do not cry at night and do not live with a fictional world inside their head. While I ask myself if they are better than me, I also wonder how real are they?

You want to know the level to which my awesomeness has dropped? Its been raining since morning and I don’t care much. Yes, you heard me right. I said that and its like so not me. Rain and I are bff but today I didn’t care much.

My laptop is still dead and thus I’m not able to visit all the blogs. Excuse me for that. Will visit soon, just too hard to access blogs on phone and tab.

Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry.

Re-born with awesomeness and power to pretend till eternity…!!!!

My mom asked me what I want for my birthday and I said nothing, while they think I’m being nice and shy I on the other hand mean it. I do not wish for anything, no gifts, nothing. I do not even wish to treat my birthday like any special day. If it was up to me I would rather sleep till afternoon, get up after 1pm, stay in my jammies all day and watch some episodes, write Dominique and go out to buy me a cup of ice-cream, only to come back into my room with no “Happy Birthday” wishes from anyone.

But that just me and of course it’s not easy to escape. Although I was once a girl who didn’t like this attitude of people who said “its just a birthday, I do not wish to make a big deal out of it”. It used to make me mad because I always thought people lie when they say it’s just a birthday. I guess I was wrong.

So what do I want for my birthday? Maybe I do want something only it’s not mine to ask for. I will never ask for things I want, I will never seek for things I need.

Being me is not bad, but it just takes all that you can give because pretending to be happy is one thing and pretending to be like everyone is another. I do both. How? Didn’t I tell you before I’m AWESOME? I’m wrong but I’m awesome.

Most of the time when I’m low, which doesn’t happen slowly blues hit me like a punch out of nowhere, it just sweeps the floor beneath me. No matter how awesome you are, you are never ready for that one moment when it hits you right there on the face. Reality is a mean little thing, but again if you are as awesome as me, you get up again and show a finger to it. What else can you do? Pretend and lie and be awesome. It’s all wrong but it’s all that you have got. It’s like wearing the invisibility clock from Harry Potter, people don’t get to see or know you, and they think they do only they don’t. No I don’t practise smiling in mirror; I’m just awesome without any practise.

“When reality killed me with truth, I was reborn with awesomeness and power to pretend till eternity.”

Sometimes I wish I was born with a talent for music. I could just write and sing songs and be little more awesome. But all I have is talent to be love my loved ones and that’s all I do, while being a constant liar and pretender. I’m wrong all the time, most of the time, but I wish I had ways to undo. But then funny thing is I would not undo a bit of anything, except maybe I would change my hairstyle if I get to go back again in past or probably eat little more healthy. But other than that, I ain’t changing a second of it even if everything I ever did was wrong.

I have a major love-hate relationship with myself, while I love myself a lot and spend a lot of my time pampering myself I also hate my actions, things I say or do to hurt people.

Truth is you can’t be wrong and awesome, like I said there is no win-win. But you can pretend to be wrong and awesome, only I hope you don’t ever have to because it takes super power people.