It’s 2:20 am Monday and I’m not sleepy, which is so not good…!!!!

I wanted to count stars but then I decided to go with few of my favorite things/people…

My person

My baby best friend (let’s call him Spiderman shall we)

The stories in my head

Characters I read about

My high school best friend

Agnes Obel

TV shows & fictional Characters

All the Meg Ryan and Winona Ryder movies

Jodie Foster

My Laptop and MS Word

My headphones and every song in my players

My All Stars

The world I zone out to

My new puppy who I hope would love me as much as Snowy did

Coffee

My car

Grey’s Anatomy

Dreams

Book shops

Trains

Virginia Woolf Quotes

Mississippi Mud Ice cream

Brandi Carlile

Ellen De Generes

Pickles

Indian food

Eiffel Tower

Walking

Crying

Singing in my car

You’ve Got Mail

Bouquet of newly sharpened pencils

My Tattoo

My book collection

ME…….

P.S Agnes Obel’s music is one of the many things keeping me afloat…

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Kiss me Hardy, Kiss me Quick…!!!!

Oh Julie, Oh Julie

I haven’t been able to get these words out of my head since last night, since I finished reading Code Name Verity. I have never cried so much over a book, never. In fact, I couldn’t manage through last 47 pages without sniffing and crying and sobbing. Page 285 broke my heart forever, I don’t think I can ever recover from it.

I remember going to bed with tears in my eyes when I finished Moon at Nine, but I don’t remember crying this bad on any book.

Oh Maddie, Oh Maddie

Elizabeth Wein has written a master piece with everything from WWII, Nazis, true friendship, time testing love, courage, revenge, death and loss, all weaved so beautifully into words that ripped through my heart. I dont know if she got enough credit for this one. I would like to tell her what a lovely piece of fiction she has given to us.

Dear Elizabeth Wein,

I have no idea if you relate more to Maddie or Julie or the poor Engel, I don’t know who was your favorite character when penning this book down, I don’t know if you cried as much as I cried when that bus was on that bridge and I don’t know if I can ever get these names and people out of my head, but I do know you have done a bloody too good a job with the story, the characters, the name, the emotion and thrill.

Just want to thank you for letting me meet Queenie and Maddie.

Just a fan of your book,

Little

If the story and drama wasn’t enough, this book has some amazing lines and oh the humour…

It’s like being in love, discovering your best friend

Till last page, I hoped, I prayed, I begged. But…Oh Maddie, Oh Maddie.

I am not good with reviews, never have written any so all I can say is that Code Name Verity is one fine piece of historical fiction with enough drama, action, pain and emotions to change your life. All I can say is READ IT, READ IT.

It was around 2 o’clock when I decided to finish this one chapter and sleep but when I reached that one page I couldn’t sleep, how could I. I knew I had to finish it now.

Fly the plane, Maddie

Even if it meant spending my Friday with my head in my hands and a burned out brain. I did spend spend my Friday like a zombie but I couldn’t help it.

I don’t know for whom I cried more for Queenie or Maddie. But I do know when Julie yelled Kiss Me Hardy, Kiss Me Quick and when Maddie  fired that shot, I was left in pieces. IMG_20150515_025602

Damn! You Nazis. In every book, you make my stomach churn but this time you went way too far. Dammit.

There 4-5 books that i would re-read again and this one goes on the top of the list.

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Blame it on You’ve Got Mail, Kathleen Kelly and my ADD…!!!!

Batman just had a long weekend with her person. I know I’m screwed at so many levels and my future is a bright dark wallpaper but right now, right here I’m in my happy place. Sometimes I wonder what would I do without my person.

Little sad that I’m going back to my city today, but dude I needed this break. For now I’m grateful for the weekend.

P.S I have decided to blame my obsession for Starbucks on You’ve Got Mail, Kathleen Kelly and my ADD…!!!!

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Hey Bruce Wayne, why dont you hang out with us at night…?

Saturday came and went away…almost. And I did not buy me a book, did not work on my story, did not do anything except sleeping, eating and listening to music.

I did went out with my brother (I call him Dexter, like the cartoon Dexter) and it was fun. We both do this thing, where we take the car, put on loud music and drive to places where we can find best junk food. Only problem is finding the right song for the drive, as we both have different kind of taste in music. He is more of rock, rap and loud dancing music guy and I am all about Florence and Machine, Angus and Julia, Fun, Brandi Carlile, Avril, EdSheeran, etc…

So I did nothing and was lazy all day long. In the evening when my brother said that we should go out, when he comes back from gym…i almost, almost, opened my mouth to ask him “if you are going to gym, should I walk Snowy out or will dad be going out with him?” and then It struck me. Luckily I didnt say it or else I would have not been able to hold back the tears.

On Friday I got in touch with a friend from school days and I found out how mad she was with me. Still is, for I stopped staying in touch. I vanished, in her words.
She said we had good time and how we were besties and then I stopped being me. I didnt reply or call much.

I apolgised and promised I would be in touch and that it happened unknowingly, as I had a phase, as I was dealing with personal stuff which is why am distant.

Truth is she isnt the only friend with complaints. But then I cant just say “hey gal, sorry m just not the fun person you knew. I dont talk to many people now, usually am pretending even infront of my family too. I stay awake till 2-3 for I like my company and the time I can spend alone. I just went through a xanax phase and was diagnosed with Panic Disorder. And I have been battling depression for quite long now. And I had nothing to talk about so I vanished for I am scared of being in a social situation. Freaks me out. Oh and one more thing I have a secret that I havnet told you about. Blah blah blah”

I dont think she would be expecting that and actually get all that when she said if you have issues talk to me, you dont have to vanish. I think she believes am having boy trouble. For she sounded like she wanted to help me find a guy for me.

I know she wont get me because im not the best friend she knew in school. But I did had great time back then and I would want us to be friends, so I apologised and promised I will try to not vanish again.

Its 3:14 am and im hungry. Feel like making instant noodle thing. But It would wake everyone. I better watch Pll and sleep.

Hope tomorrow would be productive in terms of writing. Goodnight world!

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Well, atleast, im not Nadal, hope im not Federer either…!!!!

Some-days are tough because you cant see anyone no one, just yourself standing in an empty street walking all alone towards a destination that doesn’t exist. Some-days are tough because you are loved but you cant see a single reason to believe you deserve it, anything at all. Some-days are hard because there is no one but you who can fix the road to sanity and you feel like not doing it, like letting it just go.

Last few days were somedays of my life, I’m still messed up but the Super Hero won’t let me give up. No hands up here. Not yet.

So things that have happened, good ones:

I left my meds and I’m all back to being good, you know I rather have anxiety attacks and deal with them than have meds that make me groggy, woozy and zombie. I thought I was a whole new person, someone who didn’t care. That’s not me, I need to care no matter how hard life becomes else I would be a goner. So, I rather fill my inside with cups of coffees, scoops of ice creams and a loads of junk food and deal with my blues than have something that stops my mind from thinking anything at all, even things that are important like importance of breathing.

So while I’m recovering and am low I end up saying to myself, you are screwed so why not just do something that would make you happy. So I did something, I wrote a synopsis, edited few sample chapters of Jane Doe with help of friends and wrote a cover note, packed it all in an envelope and sent it to a publication house. I am suppose to wait for 3 months now. I might not even get any call from them at all, but the feeling it gave me the happiness I felt…priceless. I plan to send it again to another publication house, just waiting for mid July because I’m kind of busy for next few days.

Why I’m busy? Wait, before I go there let me tell what was the second most amazing thing of the week, first being Jane Doe-on-its-way-to-some-editor. I got a call from my most awesome best friend and now I’m going to meet her. I’m going for a break, well it’s just Sat and Sun, up and down, but it’s like one of the most awaiting trips of my life. So hopefully I’m also going to strike “To go Starbucks” from my bucket list soon and if i get a call from the publishing house you never know I might end up striking off “want to be a published author”. Oh how I wish I could do that one.

Anyhow, I’m super excited about the weekend. Super duper. Because I miss my friend and it’s like sometimes I wish I could just sit with her and talk, talk about anything, just talk like good old times. She is one person who knows me and still loves me which is crazy but awesome.

Ok, so now why I’m busy? Well, I’m busy because Gotham is killing me with work and work but I’m also busy because the tournaments have started officially and today was my first match. I won. Yay! But I shouldn’t be too happy. Because if I had won against a tough player I could have said “Good Job”, but the guy I played against was sort of having time of his life laughing at every move. He even asked me how a rook moves or why can’t his king kill my queen when I gave him a check. But a victory is a victory, especially if you look back at my last years’ record. I was Nadal, out in first game.

Lately I have also started with daily workouts, something, anything.

Truth is last two weeks were too heavy, dark and scary. I was scared and angry. I’m scared and angry all the time, but it was different. It was like year 2006 all over again.

I feel good about sending Jane Doe, I feel good about getting my head straight, I feel good about making it to the second round of chess and I feel super happy about going to my friend’s place to meet her.

Somedays stay with us forever…!!!!

Sometimes I think about the day Snowy came to our lives, the day i got my first pocket money, the day I fell in love, the day I met my best friend, the day I wrote my first poem, the day I wrote first story, the day I acted in a play, the day I was made house captain in school, the day I won my first house cup as a captain, the day I had my first crush, the day I became 17, the day I lost love, the day I walked through my college gate, the day I had my first glass of alcohol, the day I thought college was the best thing about life, the day I bid goodbye to friends for some hundredth time, the day I got my first scooter, the day I was praised by a teacher for my debate, the day I got my first cheque, the day I met my superhero, the day I thought I was going to die, the day I wanted do die, the day I spoke for the first time, the day I found out i have people who love me despite knowing, the day I wanted to live again, the day I bought my first phone, the day I bought my car, the day I completed my one year at work, the day my parents indirectly told me they were proud of me, the day I saw life take a 360, the day I had my first and thousandth panic attack, the day i searched for the depression online, the day I started writing diaries, the day I started blogging, the day I started lying and hiding from friends I once thought were my life, the day i saw my mother cry, the day I came back from work smiling and singing I love my work, the day I never wanted anything do change, the day I thought nothing would change now, the day I met music, the day i wrote Dominique’s first page, the day I went to Srinagar, the day I had my worst haircut, the day I won my first and second chess tournament, the day I lost against, the day I lost, the day I won against my biggest opponent, the day i won against my boss, the day I got my first surprise birthday party, the day I cried and I didnt know how to stop myself, the day I again wanted to die, the day i realised im a superhero, the day I was scared I would lose my mind, the day I stood awake all night worried about Snowy, the day he had his operation and I saw him on the strecher and the day he died…

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A girl can only hope….!!!!

– I want to have another dog, i so badly want to have one

– I want to meet my best friend, again want it badly

– I want to wrap up my Jane Doe and show it to my friends

– I want to quit my job

– I want to stop being the sad, depressed, unhappy and scared crying baby

– I want to stop sleeping on my alarm for my morning jogging or badminton

– I want to stop seeing creepy dreams that ruin my day

– I want to fall in love

Now, these are the things i want for myself. Usually when i pray i ask for things for people i love but since this wordpress and i’m not praying i decided to write about what i want for me.

Let’s change the mood, here enjoy the trailer….i cant wait for the movie…!!!!

Im always at two places at one time…!!!!

It was a pretty decent weekend, and I feel better now health wise so, I guess I can take Monday and the week. Today when I was out with a friend watching movies, eating and driving around, I felt a bit of sadness inside me like a part of me was missing someone. I realized I was missing one of my best friends and the fun we used to have when she was living in the city. Even when having a good time, a part of me missed her.

On Friday night at 3:30 am, during my episode marathon, I realized I need red canvas shoes 🙂

I better go now, I have so many blogs to catch up with but I will do it all tomorrow. I just hope Monday goes smoothly.

Goodnight World!

Being the odd one out…weirdly creepy or awesomly awesome?

Do you know that girl who walks into a party in her t-shirt, denims and canvas shoes with zero makeup and messy hair? That would be me.

I hate to go to parties because I don’t drink, I don’t like crowd and out of 50 people not a single one is usually my friend. But today I found another reason to dislike parties.

Girl: hey what are you wearing for the office party?
Me: aa..whatever, I haven’t thought much about it
Girl: o come on, you have to wear a dress. You know I bought a black dress. Here I will show you the pictures.
Me: Nice…great dress
Girl: right? I bought it on sale. So what are you wearing?
Me: I don’t know
Girl: Don’t tell me you are wearing what you always wear? you have to wear a dress. You can take one from me.
Me: (banging my head on the wall mentally)
Girl: you know blah blah blah
Girl: and blah blah blah
Me: smiling nodding wondering why the hell I’m even standing there. Later realising I was waiting for the washroom to get vacant.

So, I don’t like girls who think drinking, flirting, partying and getting wasted is fun. While I don’t mind all this (I don’t mind because I’m too self absorbed to notice others for how they live), but I do not like people who judge others on based of what they wear, how much they party, what they drink and how much friends they have.

Only I know how badly I want to avoid the office party, but won’t be able to unless there is a miracle.

Today (no I’m not talking about just this conversation) Gotham was mean to me. At one point, I was at my seat trying to block all the noises with my headphones, while begging my tears to stay right where they are inside and not fall out. I messaged my mentor and best friend and told her I missed her. Truth is when she was with me at Gotham, it was the safest place on earth. Now it just hurts everyday.

Sometimes I wonder how easy would life be if I turn into one of those girls around me. No issues except boys, parties, dresses, shopping and booze. Who is better them or me? They might be crazy nutheads but at the end they do not run from people, are social, do not cry at night and do not live with a fictional world inside their head. While I ask myself if they are better than me, I also wonder how real are they?

You want to know the level to which my awesomeness has dropped? Its been raining since morning and I don’t care much. Yes, you heard me right. I said that and its like so not me. Rain and I are bff but today I didn’t care much.

My laptop is still dead and thus I’m not able to visit all the blogs. Excuse me for that. Will visit soon, just too hard to access blogs on phone and tab.

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