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The fact that I want my birthday to come and go as quickly as a Sunday makes me sad. im a birthday person. I love a birthday, specially when its mine.
I want a miracle for my birthday, I want to stop being sad, lonely, narcissist, self absorbed, childish, immature, depressed and scared. Well it ain’t gonna happen, but that’s the beauty of a birthday you can dream of gifts and presents.
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3:45 Am im watching some episode and my tube-light goes off on off on..at first i wonder if i should worry after all i just saw “The Conjuring”, then i realized i rather make myself instant noodles and watch another episode for i don’t care…im that messed up.
It was a very busy and tiring day, as i was out with Dexter (how i call my brother) shopping for his birthday gift. Its his birthday tomorrow, so we went out shopping, then i dropped him home and went to play Scrabble with my friends. No one was in a mood to play yet we played for an hour before my friend decided to declare the game. BTW i was winning. Came home finished Season2 of Suits, had my dinner then we all wished Dexter at 12 and gave him his surprise gift. After spending some time on phone with my friend about tomorrow’s movie plan and scrabble schedule, i debated whether to watch a movie or episodes. I ended up watching pilot episode of “The Killing”. Heavy hardcore and heavy. Almost made me cry. The show left me curious and i want to watch more now.
That’s how my day went which also clearly says i did no writing. I dont think i will do tomorrow either.
We all get a day when something changes for us or we realize something. I have one too, a day of revelation and discovery about something that i knew for quite long but couldn’t really put a finger on.
How i would love to just stay home tomorrow all day and drown in self pity but i have a busy day. Im going to play Scrabble with friends who wont know im all blue inside and then i will watch “We are the Millers”. Jeniffer Aniston will always be Rachael Greene for me.
Its almost morning now, so i better go and get some sleep.
A long weekend is over now and I have a Monday waiting for me, but its okay.
On Friday I celebrated my 28th birthday and even though alli did was have fun, something was missing. Maybe its me. You know why I love birthdays, because the love and attention I get helps me remind myself why I need to keep moving on. Friday was no different. My family and my friends made it all so special and it was overwhelming, at one point I felt guilty. So much love makes me guilty for I never give even half of it in return. Its true. I am not a good daughter, sister or friend yet my parents, my brother and my friends love me so much. They pamper me irrespective of my inability to be anything but difficult.
My friend who went to South Korea, even she made sure I got my gift.
I missed few friends alot on my birthday and Snowy, this is the first time in 13 years that I did not get my birthday hug from him. I didnt even miss him this much on his own birthday.
I hate getting old or growing up or the fact that now everyone expects me to think about getting married because that’s how it should be…but I love birthdays. Love them. Even though I felt little lost and thoughtful about nothing, I had a good day. Despite the guilt of being loved so much when I am all me, I was happy to be the queen.
Im blessed, but I wonder why cant I stop being blue.
Anyhow, it was a beautiful weekend spent well with loved ones. I dont trust my sanity but I do know I would never change anything about my life so far.
Got to go now.
Hope Monday would be kind to me. Am little concerned about my inability to work on Jane Doe, Dominique, New York, Cross roads. All my stories are waiting for me, asking for my attention, but I dont know why I cant make myself write even when I know the plots and the scenes and the characters. It is troubling me that im not writing. Im not.
Thanking God for the most amazing loved ones, I would like to get ready for a nap before Monday strikes with its “HuHuHaHa…im Monday and im ages away from weekend”.
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It was just the kind of the day I needed, productive in terms of writing and super relaxing. It’s funny how my mind can make me do weird things. What is that? Well whole week I mentally worked on my new story, had even written one chapter and was dying to work more on it during weekend. And then on Friday I’m listening to a song by Agnes Obel, when I end up playing a whole new story inside my head.
I have a whole new story, new script and characters ready to come out on paper. So here I’m writing on the new untitled story instead of the one I was suppose to work on. But it’s okay because this one won’t let me think of anything else. It’s all crazy but good. I’m writing since morning and it is calming me down, making me all better and happy. The kind of week I had, I needed something good and writing this story is kind of fixing me.
Though I wish I would just go out for a while, I do but, I mean to the city. I need a haircut, I’m avoiding it. I have few errands in city, I’m avoiding them. I’m like a vampire who won’t leave the house because I don’t have my sunlight ring.
Anyhow, another good thing about the day is the fact that I have found my next publication house. Well fingers crossed, again. I will keep doing this again and again till I end up succeeding. And I will; I would like to believe for I have no options. Like Meg Ryan’s character Karen Emma Walden says “No Surrender”. I am not giving up, not yet. I don’t know if you have seen this movie people, but if not then make Courage Under Fire your next movie.
Its late, I should go now. O I can’t believe Saturday is over. You know what I want for my birthday next month? Of course, an acceptance letter. How cool would that be?
Today I was dancing in my room…that’s how a haircut affects me. Okay to be honest im, for some unknown reason, in a happy mood today.
Two lessons that i learned today, its time to change my saloon because they are robbing me and everyone else who goes there. I paid a fortune today for a haircut, I could have got me a new shirt with that money. But I like the guy who cuts my hair, as in he is good with his work. Second, next time when I want something I need to check all the shops instead of buying the first thing that I like in the market. I found this really nice wallet by Da Milano and it was on sale and totally within my pocket range but I just bought me a wallet last week. Why why why didn’t I search around before buying, I just bought the first wallet I found. Way to go Little!
Anyhow, Monday is here and I will sleep early tonight. Have to get up in morning for the badminton too. Good news I took
A VERY SMALL step towards finishing the editing on Jane Doe, so I didn’t completely wasted my weekend. Yay!
Even though im peachy today I am also worried because my handsome doggie isn’t acting well. I think the cold is messing with his age. I hate to see him sad and ill.
So today I watched pilot episode of a new show “Don’t trust the B in apartment 23” and I liked it. I like the character of Chloe. And I ate 3-4 pieces of Lindor dark. Dammit! Why cant I stay away from chocolate and tv shows? Why?
Have to go now, because need all my energy for Monday. Im thinking of making few changes to wardrobe like buying more check shirts than tshirts this summer. Having haircut is always cheerful, despite the fact that I do not get to hear good things because everyone wants me to keep them long.
Valentine is coming and I know what I will be doing…Meg movie, donut, dance on my bed and I will buy me a book. Yes! Because I love myself.
P.S my blog’s birthday coming up…i didn’t realize that.
Have you ever wished to revisit a phase of your life, relive it without changing a second of it not even the bad parts of it? I have, so many times. Today is one of those days when I can’t help feeling nostalgic about a phase of my life. If only I could just go back to that day.
There are so many of such days but right now, right here I wish to go back to year 2009 because it was one of those years when everything felt right. Not that I didn’t cry myself to bed, I did every other day, but life felt good. I had my friends, I had my office before it became Gotham for me, and I had time to cross the bridge of big decisions of life.
Why am I talking like this? I saw Twilight’s last movie today “Breaking Dawn 2” and the movie is the culprit. With the end of the Twilight movies I can’t help but feel nostalgic about the days spent reading the books. I miss that phase of my life. It was one of the best years of my life, so now that I think about how I got introduced to this book, I think of that birthday, I think of the people I was with, the friends I had around me, the state of mind I was in, the world I had…
Feels like a long long time ago, when I had my grip. I have been like this all my life, sad, angry, confused and blue but there have been phases when I have felt safe and protected. I can’t help but miss the day I was gifted my first Twilight book. It was my birthday or maybe a day before or after it, I was with my two most special friends and Kathy a Colombian friend who gave me the book. We were in a coffee shop, enjoying, talking and sipping on our cups of cappuccinos. Nothing big I know, but it’s just the year. I feel like I could use a trip down memory lane. I miss my friends.
Problem with life is everyone you know has to move on some day, every friend you make has to say goodbye someday, every good day you have turns to an old picture in your phone someday…
Now, that NaNaWriMo is over, I have a lot of work. I need to rewrite few pages, edit and reread it to see if it’s fine enough to show to anyone. But I might not be able to finish it soon, as I have a wedding to attend this week which means I’m going away.
My bed is full of clothes, a suitcase, snowy on one corner and me on the other. No space for the bed to breathe. I feel bad about leaving him, he stops eating when we go away.
Got to go now, Goodnight World!