I don’t know how the world works or the rules of society, but i do know that i don’t care and i do not wish to know.
So, I have been kind of going through a weird phase. I don’t know what to call it. I’m angry, sad and super angry. Hey I think I’m suffering from the case of a “Blue Hulk”.
Anyhow, I am trying to bury myself in a new TV show i found online.
But there is good thing too, I have four days off. Festivals are fun because they come with holidays. So, to fix myself and my dead brain I have given myself an exercise. A story. I’m working on a story, untitled story that I have to finish in these 4days. I might not be able to do it cause though I’m working on it hard, its kind of getting lengthy.
So, here im drowning in self pity, bitterness and anger towards universe while, befriending fictional characters.
I sound lame but I guess its okay.
Today, I was sitting in a cafe working on my untitled project/challenge and I overhead a group of people talking. They were sitting close by plus there was no crowd to make the place noisy.
They were talking books and movies, mostly books. So this woman is telling one of the guys in the group about Stieg Larsson and his books. She is like you have to read, while she told him how Larsson came up with Lisbeth Salander and the story. They discussed few more books and I wanted to go join them, suggest them few books from my side but I put on my headphones and went back to my writing.
I don’t even know why I’m sharing all this. I don’t even know why am blogging when I don’t even have anything to talk about. Guess,crazy creepy are the symptoms of being a Blue Hulk.
P.S I think Kenzi from Lost Girl is super funny.
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Do you know that person who puts a song on replay mode for an hour or sometimes one whole day? If not, say hello to me. I don’t know why i fall in love with a song and listen to it like it’s the only song in my phone.
Lot many times people have said things to hurt me without even knowing that what they said almost killed me inside, but few days back a friend said something so beautiful to me. I dont know if she knew what it meant to me. What she said almost made me cry. We were messaging and i was little blue and she wrote something which was meant to cheer me up, which it did, but for a long time i thought about what she said. Wish i could tell you what she said, but it meant a lot.
Today again there was this casual joke in Gotham that gave me a sucker punch and i couldn’t help but think of what my friend said to me. Brought smile to my face and i realized how words can mess up with us. Do we think about what we say to others? I dont. I think im the most careless person with words, probably because of the anger and bitterness that i live with.
O by the way, Plumb is an amazing singer and im really enjoying her music. Took me a while to find her but im glad i did.
I have to go cause im reading “The Book Thief” and so far im loving it.
Wasn’t my day. I don’t feel well because of super irritating stomach issues plus some stupid biker banged into my car. Why do people keep on bumping into my car?
Sometimes I go into this phase where when I hear someone crib about life a part of me wants to ask that someone to shut up. I know sounds mean, but it’s not the lack of empathy it’s the anger. I get angry that why is it that I can’t crib out loud. I do. I crib so much and have bad mood days but I have to always come up with some sort of lies to justify my emotions. I lie if someone sees me gloomy. Why can’t I just be an honest cribber? That’s why when I hear a person talk how much life sucks, I want to just walk away or put my headphones on.
I know its mean. But some days the Hulk inside me gets so angry because all I have is lies and pretenses. I don’t know why I’m saying this. How easy life would be if I just spoke but how different my world would be.
You know what’s the saddest thing about living a lie? You can’t defend yourself when people, who love you, end up talking crap about you right in front of you. You can’t blame them because they don’t know they are making fun of you, because they don’t know you or truth about you. So you nod, agree and try to change the topic as smoothly as possible. You kill your pride, swallow the shout and continue with your Oscar level performance of being the person you aren’t.
Sorry, but I’m bitter and angry today and I blame the health. I want my dog right now, but again I can’t have him. I can’t go to a friend crying asking for a hug, for I don’t know what to say when asked about my tears. I can’t tell my mom I need to sleep next to her tonight like I used when I was a little girl; for she would end up worrying that something is wrong.
Truth be told, I just want to stay alone for a day with no one talking to me and me not pretending. Just me, music and a little low profile silent and dull day. Just what I need. But unfortunately, I can’t get a hug or lonely day for weekend is over and I have Gotham from tomorrow.
Some days I feel so small; a tiny little leaf on a tree that would just wither and fall away one day.
If i a have choice to be born as someone else, i would probably not take it because i have had a good life so far and the people i have in my life are my life. But, some days i do wonder what if i had choice to not be me.
Lying all day all night, pretending and faking has made me a bitter and mean person which kind of hurts people and me too. I realise how i have become the bad guy among people in my life, directly and indirectly. Either they don’t know this maybe or they are just not sure how to fix it. I wasn’t this bad-ass mean person; i was once a girl who was nicer. Before i became the misfit, before i found out why i always was different, before i found how i can never be a part of sunshine world, before i realized how i am two different person in one body – one is what im and one is for what people want to see. Before all this, i was quite a nice little girl with not a single bone of meanness inside her.
Since im kind of cranky right now, i think i shouldn’t write much so im going to leave two songs i discovered and cant stop listening to. The one by Lesley Roy is probably written for me. I think even if i delete everything and just upload this one song, you would get my state of mind cause the lyrics are just i want to say.
This second one is probably way better than the original one. I think this guy has sung better than Bob Dylan and Adele. I cant stop listening to this one even though i am all Hulk right now. Right now, i feel like Kathleen Kelly from that scene where she closes her shop, walks home and sits alone in a corner with a soup bowl wondering where to go from there, feeling all lost and beaten by universe.
Some days I wake up so bitter that all I want is my headphones and my cup of coffee, with no one coming over to my cubicle to talk to me but it’s not how life goes.
I don’t think I can take part in NaNoWriMo this year, because I might have a busy month with the festival season and the fact that we might have few relatives coming over. Plus, I don’t have a story. I have but not like last year. Maybe if I can spend some time on the different concepts on my mind, but then I don’t know.
Today a funny thing happened; I was on a Skype call with a Polish translator with my Project Manger. He was the one on call and I was sitting next to him because it was a task I was overseeing. So while he was on the phone, I sat there next to him for whole 2 hours just thinking and looking around and day dreaming.
Me: If I could meet a celebrity
Myself: Meg Ryan of course
Me: That would be so awesome
Myself: So Frekin Awesome
Myself: Who else?
Me: Neil Patrick
Myself: Patrick Dempsey
Me: Stana Katic
Myself: Ian somerhalder
Me: Ian, anytime, Ian
Me: Winona Ryder maybe
Myself: That would be cool too
Me: So cool
Myself: Pretty Cool
Me: I know right?
Voices: Hey crazy head look around
Me & Myself: Seriously?
Me & Myself: Buzz Kill
Truth is I was so bored and sleepy that I was wondering how much fun it would be if I could just meet one of the many people I admire. I have a list of people I would like to meet, most of them are singers and few of them are movie stars and a handful of them come of TV shows. What’s wrong in making a list? Nothing. Plus this comes way too low in the list of crazy things done by me.
I’m just eagerly waiting for Grey’s Anatomy, Glee and Castle to come back now that Pretty Little Liars is on summer break.
I will go and try to finish my book; you guys enjoy a song from another awesome person I would love to meet.
I can’t explain today I can’t, it’s a weird day. Probably, I just need to get out of the house and breathe some fresh air. I’m stuck inside the house, inside me, inside a trance. Trapped in a self pity phase where I’m bitter and angry at everyone else for the world is moving on and pushing me and dragging me along, not waiting for a second to take a look at me. I’m like girl in a crowded super market who is surrounded by busy shoppers trying to move ahead, left and right for time is precious, but no one sees the little girl who is lost and stuck and scared.
I am mad at myself for wasting the day, lying on the couch all day feeling bluest version of blue, not writing, not reading, not moving just not doing anything but feeling weird.
Last night i saw a movie “Now is Good”, very emotional and heavy movie. I was crying and i hate it when a movie does that to me. Anyhow, i need something to make myself get out the weird trance im stuck in. Maybe i just need to let the day pass by, maybe tomorrow i will wake up better. Who cares.
Nothing productive again…i wonder if I was better without a weekend.
Am angry and bitter today. Feel so alone because today im angry with everyone I know, friends and family. Was so mad at my loved ones, because of a conversation I overheard, that I wanted to not talk to anyone. So I made me coffee, put my headphones and watched You’ve Got Mail for some 1000th time again. Meg Ryan was my escape. My love for Kathleen Kelly and her Shop Around The Corner will never stop surprising me.
Then I got up, changed into better clothes and drove to the market. I needed fresh air. Got me coffee and bought four new books before I came back home. Buying books was needed. I needed to do something for me.
“People are always telling you change is a good thing but all they are really saying is that something you didnt want to happen at all, has happened” This qoute from the movies sums up the truth about life in general.
Kathleen Kelly was brave to march towards unknown, im not. But I just love, love this movie and Meg.
Monday is here and I know how busy its going to be but am relieved for I had become a Vampire. Staying inside all day, hardly leaving my house.
Now am wondering if I should cancel my plan of taking off on my birthday. Happy birthday to me…yay…whats so yay about it. Have to go, bitter me needs to take a nap.
P.S im sorry for being absent from other blogs. Will be back. Just need my internet to get fixed. Blogging through phone is hard.
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Today am angry and bitter…so i want to stay away from words. Anger should always be dealt with silence, saves you from regret of things you say or do later on. In my case silence helps me cool faster for i know all my anger is only my helplessness.
Am all green monster today because i want someone to ask me what’s wrong.
I want to be a happy person. I cant so i end up being angry on the world for not seeing me.
I think i need a haircut. I do.
Tonight i shall read, since am on silent mode.
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