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I need an Assistant, there is an opening but the only problem is I need the candidate to look exactly like me, speak me and act me. Sounds crazy I know, but it’s just I am lately too busy visiting the blank space inside my head that I can hardly focus on anything. Anything. Work, things I like, things I don’t like, things I would want to do or not do. Nothing, I can’t find time to focus on anything for I’m busy getting lost to nowhere.
No,no,no I’m not going bonkers…O may be I’m. I have no idea I lost interest when you started speaking. Yep that’s me I lose interest in everything in 1, 2, …wait, what were we talking about?
It’s like my mind thinks white flag is the new black, so even in a battle against blues when I need my mental fitness the most my mind is busy asking stupid questions…Are we in a battle? Since when? Who is the enemy? Wait do we get guns?
Isn’t this the time when someone says “You need a vacation”? O wait, no one knows I have a head that’s ruining my life.
Truth is I do find it hard to do things now, whether it’s focusing at work or writing my stories which I love. I just don’t feel motivated or even energetic or focused enough to do things. Even in a busy meeting I find myself wandering into a blank space inside my head.
While, this isn’t something new, I have been a master of blanking out or spacing out for a quite a while now, problem is this is the time when I need my head in the game. Things are changing at a supersonic pace at Gotham city. I need to be my best, yet I find myself sitting at my work station looking at the screen as my coffee gets cold and the music on my shuffle keeps changing from fast to slow to blues to rap to pop to country to instrumental.
It’s like sometime my mind puts on this big board “Don’t give a damn” and then goes away for a long walk, while I try to find ways to act like I’m the smartest person on the planet by nodding, smiling, and raising eyebrows at the right time, to show that I’m very much present in the conversation.
At work, I’m literally standing on a ship that has been hit by a large gigantic iceberg and I don’t know how to swim but I’m fine, I’m good. Instead of running to the safety boats, jumping in the water with a balloon jacket or simply doing something, anything, I’m sitting on the edge enjoying the view of the ocean, sipping on to an invisible chardonnay and telling myself how pretty the sky is.
Its been a heavy day today. I dont know if this this is good or bad, surely bad in a way but maybe good too. Dont know. I need to sleep today, my mind is blank. Like completely blank, have no emotions or feelings.
I miss my laptop but not having access to all the episodes and movies means I can go back to reading. Good thing I m back to exercise routine.
I don’t feel good right now, part of it is because I am sleepy. This morning I woke up happy, drove to office with a happy song and suddenly I heard the voices in my head saying don’t be too happy Little. Truth is everytime when I’m in a jolly mood for no reason I get scared.
Anyhow, I feel like crap right now. It was a pretty decent day still I feel that way. I really want to hear Jodie Foster’s speech. I think she is a rockstar.
So, I think I’m going to be very sad when Castle is over. And PLL. Which reminds me how I’m waiting for Glee. Why do I wait for these shows? Why Beckett or McDreamy feel like real people to me?
You know what I need? Coffee. Though i just had a cup of chocolate icecream. I don’t want all that calories, I mean that’s why I’m workingout but I also want to be in a happy mood. There is no win-win.
So, I was sad almost in tears and I start watching Castle. Few back to back episodes made me so numb and tired, not only I’m sleepy and yawning I also don’t feel anymore sadness or any other kind of emotions. I’m blank. Though I do feel one thing, hunger. I am hungry and my mind for some reason is trying to think of nice stuff to eat.
I got to go now, its 2am and as usual I’m dreading a super sleepy day tomorrow at Gotham.
Sad thing chocolate icecream is failing me, as its effect vapors away so quickly.
We might never meet, but I will never stop looking for you.
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