the better side of the window…!!!!

I think happiness is a myth, it’s more of a fashion style that people carry with them.

Is it really possible to be happy like so happy that it would hurt, but in a good way?

I don’t know why I’m asking. I have had a good evening yet I feel unsettled. A part of me is tired and knowing that tomorrow is another day of wearing a face, and walking out in the world, is only making me feel more exhausted.

Today I saw a man who wasn’t physically well and was begging for food or money. I stopped my car at the traffic lights and rolled down my window to give him a banana. He seemed happy, walked away, sat on the ground and used his good hand to eat.

Now , who am I to cry or crib about life when he would do anything to be me even lie and pretend like I do. I know there are hundreds of people who would happily wear a face everyday and live my life. Because I m well, healthy, have a job, some money, family, a home and I get to be the one rolling the window down instead of the one knocking on it.

But, does this mean my pain isn’t significant? Does this means it’s okay to cry alone and to fight the inevitable?

I know I have it good and I shouldn’t be the one to complain, but it still hurts everyday. Knowing that I have to fight a certain kind of sadness & fear every minute of everyday doesn’t help. I am thankful for the privileges but I still can’t stop hurting.

Does it make me a horrible person? To be ink blue all the time when I’m at the better side of the window.

It’s just the sadness is so heavy some days it gets too hard to carry it without swearing at the world and the people and the dried-down river of empathy around us.

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I think coffee has stopped working on me..Zzzz…!!!!

Life has its own way of saying “hang on, its going to be okay”…

After two days of effn mood and effn thoughts, I found a moment of happiness and smile today. After a long time I had dinner with friends who know me for real and love me with all my darkness.

Don’t know how will I wake up tomorrow, sad or super sad or effn sad? But right now, right this moment I feel blessed.

Goodnight world!

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Shh…dont tell my mom !!!

When i was a teenager, i used to write poems to tell people how much i love them, i wrote them for a long time then one day stopped. I even used to makeĀ  my own greetings cards for my friends but then i stopped. Gifts were my favorite part and now they too have become a rare thing. I have become a different person when it comes to showing my real feelings because I’m just so scared and sad and bitter all the time, but that doesn’t mean i don’t care or love.

I saw thisĀ  advertisement on Youtube today and i realized how much i love my mom but i never tell her. Maybe because we don’t have that thing in our family, we guys never say i love you much, we just get all worried for each other but don’t really say the words much. Plus, i kind of spend a lot of time wondering why i’m not like my family. Truth is i think my mom is a very brave person for she puts up with everyone in the house and still cares and loves us. She and i two very different people but i am so blessed to have her.

I have my reasons for being a cold and unattached person, when it comes to pretending. But truth is i am not heartless. Don’t tell her this but my only regret in life is that i cant ever be a daughter she deserves. Shh…!!!

Moms are closest thing to a real Super Heroes.

Leaving you guys with a cute video on moms.

 

 

 

Little had a beautiful birthday weekend…!!!!

A long weekend is over now and I have a Monday waiting for me, but its okay.

On Friday I celebrated my 28th birthday and even though alli did was have fun, something was missing. Maybe its me. You know why I love birthdays, because the love and attention I get helps me remind myself why I need to keep moving on. Friday was no different. My family and my friends made it all so special and it was overwhelming, at one point I felt guilty. So much love makes me guilty for I never give even half of it in return. Its true. I am not a good daughter, sister or friend yet my parents, my brother and my friends love me so much. They pamper me irrespective of my inability to be anything but difficult.

My friend who went to South Korea, even she made sure I got my gift.

I missed few friends alot on my birthday and Snowy, this is the first time in 13 years that I did not get my birthday hug from him. I didnt even miss him this much on his own birthday.

I hate getting old or growing up or the fact that now everyone expects me to think about getting married because that’s how it should be…but I love birthdays. Love them. Even though I felt little lost and thoughtful about nothing, I had a good day. Despite the guilt of being loved so much when I am all me, I was happy to be the queen.

Im blessed, but I wonder why cant I stop being blue.

Anyhow, it was a beautiful weekend spent well with loved ones. I dont trust my sanity but I do know I would never change anything about my life so far.

Got to go now.
Hope Monday would be kind to me. Am little concerned about my inability to work on Jane Doe, Dominique, New York, Cross roads. All my stories are waiting for me, asking for my attention, but I dont know why I cant make myself write even when I know the plots and the scenes and the characters. It is troubling me that im not writing. Im not.

Thanking God for the most amazing loved ones, I would like to get ready for a nap before Monday strikes with its “HuHuHaHa…im Monday and im ages away from weekend”.

Goodnight world!!

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