Grief isn’t hard its the guilt and anger…!!!!

I knew i was going to watch a Cory Monteith tribute special Glee episode and it was going to be sad but i had no idea it was actually going to make me cry. Not that i dont cry, on the contrary i cry alot just hate to show. But i mean there was this scene where Lea Michele’s character sang a song for him and next thing i know i had tears falling all over my laptop.

The grief episode just made me think of what i lost. Snowy. Maybe he was just a dog for many but for me he was family and you don’t stop  missing family. Do you? I try less to think of him in a sad and serious ways cause then i start thinking of his last day, that picture in front of me breaks every piece of me. A part of me dies every time i realize he is not here and never coming back. When he died, for days and weeks i had dreams where he was back and i was hugging him. Of course i still dream of him sometimes, but less.

What makes me sad is that i never got to talk about him like you do when you loss someone. A part of me wants people to know how much it kills me but then i realize its my loss and i dont think anyone will ever understand.

Crazy thing about grief is that it makes you feel guilty that one day you will forget to grieve or worst you will stop grieving at all.

That’s what i’m scared about…I hope i never stop because i dont want him to think he wasn’t loved.

Got to go now. Have one more episode left before i cry myself to sleep. Did i tell you tomorrow we have office cricket match and im the captain of my team? Why cant i have one weekend where all i have to do is not leave my room? I mean a boring lay-low sleepy dull weekend is all i need…seriously, how hard is that?

Goodnight world…!!!!

P.S I recommend Gravity…Nice movie…Sandra Bullock rocks.

Thankyou & Happy Valentines….!!!!

Past 2-3 days have been kind of hard on me and I wonder if it would make me sound crazy when I say “I’m blue because my Snowy is old, ill and going to his vet everyday”. Truth is on Tuesday when doc said that he cannot be operated upon because of his age and medication is all we have, something hit me hard. It’s like people are giving me that look where they don’t want to say it but are saying it. That night I cried and so I didn’t blog or even read (so much for the book challenge). I couldn’t stop the tears as I tried to sleep. So now every time my dog poops everyone in my family breathes a sigh of relief, especially me. I may pretend to be okay but I’m not. I know some people might think he is just a dog but its breaking my heart.

Anyhow, since he is little better today and since its Valentine I must talk happy right? Yep. So before I forget Happy Valentine to all of you. It was just a normal day for me, in fact I have been skipping my lunch time and going to Snowy’ Vet for past 4 days now and I did the same today. But I did celebrate with coffee and donut and loads of love songs in my phone.

Fact that I’m in no celebration mood makes me happy that all my friends were busy today and I had no plans. I needed me and I got that. Truth is I wake up 2-3 times in night when I realize he is trying to get up because I’m afraid he will fall. He can hardly walk straight now.

Okay sorry I went back to the sad topic.

So now the big thing, blog birthday. Three years ago I started a blog because everyone was blogging and I wanted to blog, share my views, talks about things the way I see but then life scored over me and I stopped blogging for a while. I did blog occasionally but not that much. I never followed anyone, had no blog friend back then and there weren’t many followers for me either.

One fine day I said good bye to my diaries and took over blogging religiously because I needed to write, talk and share but only about things hurting me, voices in my head, my obsession about being a super hero and everything else in and around me. I soon found people, nice people, who started talking to me, liking my posts and visiting me. Best part was I started following blogs and people who made me see world like I hadn’t seen before. Sometimes I wonder if I’m cheating on my diaries but then I guess I’m and there is nothing I can do about it now. My only regret is I ended up giving my blog address to so many friends back when I started it and now I wish I hadn’t.

Someday, someday, I wish to talk about the real thing but till then I rather vent out about my day, the voices, my awesomeness, my secret love story, the dawn, superheroes, Dominique, Jane Doe, music, fiction, my ability to not sleep on time and everything that I love.

Blogging made me meet NaNoWriMo, which made me write Jane Doe. A novel of my own. Ultra crazy.

My blog posts are mostly blue, rarely do I write something happy and romantic, yet I’m loved by you people. Little is so so thankful to you all for being there. ..

thankyou

The most appropriate song right now is

But since its Valentine i will share some of my favorite happy love songs with you people:

Truth is im romantic somewhere inside but im so blue that all my emotions get clouded with agony and anger. I once had a dream and i think i posted about it too; in this dream i was getting married to someone i loved and i was happy. I have never been so happy in a dream because i cant remember any dream as clearly as that.

Someday i wish life would let me fall in love, no adjustments, no sacrifice, no more lying, just love true love with honesty. Till then i have hope and dreams, i mean i can live all my love stories in my dream and no one can take that from me.

There may not be a Dawn, but there is a dream of You…!!!!