Roads are filled with idiots and im one of them…!!!!!

I banged my car and i don’t know how or why. I still can’t believe i did not see a car right in front of me. I can’t believe i was so lost and distracted. I can’t believe i just drove straight into a car because i wasn’t looking where i m supposed to be looking, on the road.

My car is a wreck, my neck kind of hurts and i feel awful about the incident because it wasn’t one of those things which you can explain like “actually” or “thing is”. Cause there is no explanation except one.

 

What would i do? What would you do?

World is full of people who can surprise us and of morons who can make us wonder if its time to buy property on Moon, to shift.

Today my brother, i call him Dexter like the one in cartoon, had an accident and fortunately and by God’s grace he is safe and unhurt. But my old scooter that he was driving is in pieces and totally smashed up. How many good & crazy memories i have with that scooter, from good’ol college days? Anyhow, the guy who hit him ran away leaving my brother on the road. Kind of makes me angry, what if my brother had gotten seriously injured, what if he needed medical attention? Wasn’t the guy supposed to get out of his car and see if the guy he hit is okay?

Then i thought what would i do if i accidentally hit someone? Would i get panicky and run away? Would i help the other person? What would i do? Would i act sensibly or take the escape route? Well i thought all this way after i was done getting all Hulk angry about the guy who hit my brother with his car, cause i was worried thinking of all the things that could have gone wrong. Sure, my brother is a moron and super irritating at times but whether he likes it or not i love him and i think he knows that.

Good thing about the situation was the people who came out as heroes. The lady driving behind my brother, the guy standing nearby and another guy in his car somewhere there. They all came to my brother, talked to him if he is okay and gave him the number of the car that got away after hitting him. The guy who was driving by actually followed that car for long time before he lost the chase. He then came back and gave my brother car number in case there is a report to be filled and he was like “call me if you need a witness”. Now that’s kind if heroic to me. People don’t do that much.

Like i said, world is full of people of all kinds. A long time ago i once accidentally, driving same scooter which is kind of a junk now, hit a car from back. It was a traffic light zone everyone was waiting for the lights to get green, i was lost somewhere and took time to press on brake and next thing i know i hit the car and fell. My fault totally. I was 19 or 20 years, young, new driver and scared that the driver in the car would be super mean to me now. It was a man, he walks out of his car picks me up and asks me if I’m okay and if i need help. I was like super touched. I damaged his car but he didn’t for once care about his car, because he was worried if the girl who just cost him a junk of repair money, for no fault of his own, was okay and unhurt. That’s heroic.

Then there are people like that rich guy in his sedan. Again the same scooter. It wasn’t his fault or mine, it was a blind zone, yes he should have honked because he was coming on main road. But it wasn’t anybody’s fault. Yet the guy to me is a loser. Why? Because he hit me and i fell? No. because his driver hit me, i fell and instead of helping me get up or even asking me if I’m okay, he said something to his driver, who put the car in reverse gear, changed the lane and drove away like nothing happened. And I’m like “hmm, hey mister a little hand here would be good”.

Weird how so many accidental memories are refreshing up. I wasn’t planning on writing tonight, but after today’s incident i couldn’t help wonder about how different people react differently to a situation.

Have you seen my awesomeness? Can’t find it…

So i had a bad Sunday with some really weird kind of Nervous breakdown or whatever it was. Was bad, really bad and i cant even tell you what all went inside my head. But im all okay now. Okay but pissed because yesterday some moron banged his scooter right in my car. Some really crazy girls were trying to cross the road without looking at the traffic, so i had to press BRAKE for them but the scooter guy doesn’t get to do the same and BANG.

My poor car has had some really bad time in past 2 years, poor car i must say.

Today i really missed my diaries, so much that at one point i almost made my up mind about buying a brand new diary and pen to start writing. But then i realised i shouldn’t. A part of me is tempting me to go back to writing diaries but I’m not sure if it’s a good idea to go back to old habits.

Good thing i have been sleeping early and playing every day for past 2-3 days. But whoever said that a good 8 hours sleep and exercise is good for depression didn’t knew me or was never depressed. You know i always believed that my blues were the reason i wrote stories but i guess i was wrong because i cant write anymore. Weird i cant even read.

and 124...phew...i still feel bad...

and 124…phew…i still feel bad…

Lately, everyone is discussing the politics around because of the whole election season but i kind of have no opinion. Its like i dont care about anything.

I think i have lost my mojo. I cant feel my awesomeness or anything even remotely close to it plus i dont even feel like dancing on my bed with loud music. Man! that’s the worst.

Is Superman allowed to be scared of flying?

My room and my car are two of my most favorite places on this planet, because i feel safe when im with myself. That is the saddest thing to say but its the story of my life.

Another sad thing about life is that im scared of doing things i love. Its second day of NaNoWriMo and i still haven’t written a word. I blame it on the fact that i have no internet connection, but truth is im avoiding writing for no reason. The writing thing is just one of many things im scared to go for. I wont even go mentioning other stuff because it would make me sound crazy to my own ears. A part of me wonders how much damaged im, because some nights i hide in my sheets and cry myself to sleep and then there are days im all sunshine, dancing on my bed for no reason.

Fact is im scared of being happy, of being sad, of being scared, of being angry all the time…im scared of every emotion that i feel.

Im even scared of getting another dog. I wonder why cant i be that girl in Gotham who i don’t like. I mean sometimes even she seems way saner than me. I mean, yes, she is crazy in her ways but i think being her would be better than being me. All she worries about is her nails, her hair, her shopping, her looks, her dresses and her being center of attention all the time. Here im dark and twisted, scared of doing things i love or want, crying all alone,wanting to be alone and believing in and hoping for a miracle.

I really don’t know why im writing all this, because truth be told right now my mood is all good. In fact the whole festival and extended weekend thing has made me a bright shiny bulb. But i still cant stop wondering why im scared of writing the story i have on my mind. Why im scared of things that make me happy?

Happy but thoughtful…!!!!

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Little broke into a million pieces and no one saw…!!!!

Last two days were so heavy. I kind of had a breakdown. I broke into million pieces but now im okay. Found my pieces and am trying my best to fix them.

My car got banged again and this time it will cost me more. In two years my car has gone to repair shop four times. This is crazy but im so glad no one got hurt. My brother was driving and some guy in scooter came from behind and bang. Fortunately my brother and the people on the scooter are all fine.

I need to go because i can hardly keep my eyes open.

Goodnight world!

Hey Bruce Wayne, why dont you hang out with us at night…?

Saturday came and went away…almost. And I did not buy me a book, did not work on my story, did not do anything except sleeping, eating and listening to music.

I did went out with my brother (I call him Dexter, like the cartoon Dexter) and it was fun. We both do this thing, where we take the car, put on loud music and drive to places where we can find best junk food. Only problem is finding the right song for the drive, as we both have different kind of taste in music. He is more of rock, rap and loud dancing music guy and I am all about Florence and Machine, Angus and Julia, Fun, Brandi Carlile, Avril, EdSheeran, etc…

So I did nothing and was lazy all day long. In the evening when my brother said that we should go out, when he comes back from gym…i almost, almost, opened my mouth to ask him “if you are going to gym, should I walk Snowy out or will dad be going out with him?” and then It struck me. Luckily I didnt say it or else I would have not been able to hold back the tears.

On Friday I got in touch with a friend from school days and I found out how mad she was with me. Still is, for I stopped staying in touch. I vanished, in her words.
She said we had good time and how we were besties and then I stopped being me. I didnt reply or call much.

I apolgised and promised I would be in touch and that it happened unknowingly, as I had a phase, as I was dealing with personal stuff which is why am distant.

Truth is she isnt the only friend with complaints. But then I cant just say “hey gal, sorry m just not the fun person you knew. I dont talk to many people now, usually am pretending even infront of my family too. I stay awake till 2-3 for I like my company and the time I can spend alone. I just went through a xanax phase and was diagnosed with Panic Disorder. And I have been battling depression for quite long now. And I had nothing to talk about so I vanished for I am scared of being in a social situation. Freaks me out. Oh and one more thing I have a secret that I havnet told you about. Blah blah blah”

I dont think she would be expecting that and actually get all that when she said if you have issues talk to me, you dont have to vanish. I think she believes am having boy trouble. For she sounded like she wanted to help me find a guy for me.

I know she wont get me because im not the best friend she knew in school. But I did had great time back then and I would want us to be friends, so I apologised and promised I will try to not vanish again.

Its 3:14 am and im hungry. Feel like making instant noodle thing. But It would wake everyone. I better watch Pll and sleep.

Hope tomorrow would be productive in terms of writing. Goodnight world!

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Somedays stay with us forever…!!!!

Sometimes I think about the day Snowy came to our lives, the day i got my first pocket money, the day I fell in love, the day I met my best friend, the day I wrote my first poem, the day I wrote first story, the day I acted in a play, the day I was made house captain in school, the day I won my first house cup as a captain, the day I had my first crush, the day I became 17, the day I lost love, the day I walked through my college gate, the day I had my first glass of alcohol, the day I thought college was the best thing about life, the day I bid goodbye to friends for some hundredth time, the day I got my first scooter, the day I was praised by a teacher for my debate, the day I got my first cheque, the day I met my superhero, the day I thought I was going to die, the day I wanted do die, the day I spoke for the first time, the day I found out i have people who love me despite knowing, the day I wanted to live again, the day I bought my first phone, the day I bought my car, the day I completed my one year at work, the day my parents indirectly told me they were proud of me, the day I saw life take a 360, the day I had my first and thousandth panic attack, the day i searched for the depression online, the day I started writing diaries, the day I started blogging, the day I started lying and hiding from friends I once thought were my life, the day i saw my mother cry, the day I came back from work smiling and singing I love my work, the day I never wanted anything do change, the day I thought nothing would change now, the day I met music, the day i wrote Dominique’s first page, the day I went to Srinagar, the day I had my worst haircut, the day I won my first and second chess tournament, the day I lost against, the day I lost, the day I won against my biggest opponent, the day i won against my boss, the day I got my first surprise birthday party, the day I cried and I didnt know how to stop myself, the day I again wanted to die, the day i realised im a superhero, the day I was scared I would lose my mind, the day I stood awake all night worried about Snowy, the day he had his operation and I saw him on the strecher and the day he died…

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its almost 3 am and im not sleepy…!!!!

Not the kind of a day I was looking forward to after last night’s breakdown.
So many things happened today. Weirdest day, one of the weirdest one I must say.

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Painted so blue, wish i knew the reason too…!!!!

I want to watch a movie that I have already seen before, any movie would do but I have none because I lost all my movies when my laptop’s drive crashed. So here I am just wishing I had copied them in a pen drive for a day like today.

You know what’s my favorite place? My car. It’s the only place I feel better. Today I didn’t wanted to come home, no I wasn’t thinking of running away, I just wanted to drive around little more. The distance between my work place and my house is like 5 or 8 minutes. Driving was calming me down but I realized I was almost home, so I took a U-turn and decided to take a long cut. I drove back to one of my favorite shops near my office, bought me something to eat and came back home.

When I’m home I’m stressed and worried, when I’m at work I’m lost and bored; my car is the only place right now where I feel safe.

To be honest I have no idea why am on verge of crying, really have no idea or maybe I do. Even a tiny incident with ability to make me sad magnifies when my mind is all sleep deprived. Maybe that’s what it is. My inability to process things correctly because my mind is all sleep deprived.

One more day left before I can throw away my pretenses and sulk in my room.

If only I was just another regular 27 year old girl but I’m not. I’m freaking messed up, immature, crappy 27 year old who likes to dream with her eyes open because the one she sees when asleep only show her the reality of things.

I know what I need. I need to sleep. I need to stop killing my mind.

Before I leave: here is an amazing amazing performance by David Garrett. Man! He is good.