What do you call a superhero fighting bad guys with a white cape? Moron-Man!!!

A part of me has accepted that there is no light at the end of the tunnel which is why I act the way I do. Few days ago, we had one of our annual Chess tournaments at Gotham and I struggled at my first match finally losing badly in the second one. I kept telling myself its because I haven’t played for a long time.

Truth is I don’t believe in myself anymore. Honestly, I’m good I’m so good that I would make the opponent I lost to walk away within 5-10 minutes, top. But the thing is I kept telling myself, I won’t be able to make it, its okay I haven’t played for months now, I’m rusty, I didn’t get chance to practise etc etc etc. I gave myself all BS I could give to not feel bad about losing even before the game started.

So, instead of being ‘Bring it on’ I was like ‘Just don’t lose badly’.

Why it matters? It does. I kind of take Chess very seriously, specially this tournament. It breaks my heart even when I lose in semis or finals which are usually my spots, but losing in the staring of it against a guy who says ‘I have been looking forward to play against you’ because he thinks I’m a legend…Dude, I know how many times I died inside me that night.

I promised myself I would proofread my story, send it to a publisher, but I didn’t. I played the worst chess match of my life and I was totally prepared for it.

Why? Because I don’t believe in me anymore.

The story needs proof reading; I’m kind of all busy and exhausted lately.

I am rusty; don’t even remember when was the last time I played Chess.

EXCUSES excuses EXCUSES…

It’s like world is closing on me and I can’t even find energy to get up and get out of the mess. Truth is I’m not sad right now, don’t even know why the post. Guess, I just needed to talk about it to make myself accept it.

I don’t believe in me anymore.

Dear Voices,

Seriously, be mean, be rude, be insulting, be anything. Don’t go silent on me please.

If I was Katniss Everdeen, trust me with this attitude I would have been the first to drop dead. You don’t fight with a white flag tucked in your pocket and somebody needs to remind me that. Tris Prior didn’t  survive part 1 by saying ‘Oh! I’m a Divergent and I don’t I know what to do. It’s okay If the Erudite finds me and kills me.’

You do know what Captain Karen Emma Walden said in Courage Under Fire…NO SURRENDER.

Even Peter Parker stopped being Spiderman when he stopped believing in himself. Remember the big fall from the web rope thing with that ring? The thud was bad. I kind felt the that thud in that Chess match.

Little

I want to dedicate this song to the faithlessness crawling all over my mind and body…

 

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Blogger or Blabber? Who cares, its frekn 600th post…Yay

Yesterday i played 5 games of Chess and i won every single game but i wonder why cant i do same when im playing at the yearly Chess Tournament at Gotham. While it was a good day for  me, it wasn’t for my buddy Federer. Anyways, who cares about final now. Victory or no victory i’m always Team Federer…!!!!

Before i go babbling, this is my 600th post and so i want to say YAY…!!!!!!!!!

Crazy right? I think blogging and music have become my drug cant do without them. 6oo posts is super crazy and wow considering the fact that im not even a serious, funny, political, or freshly post material. Im just a messed up person who was once a diary writer and is now a serial blogger.

Hey, i have also added a new page to my blog Poet inside Little’s Head. This one has all the so called poems that i have written so far in my blog. I just compiled them in one place because i have been meaning to do that for so long now. Im not a poet but sometimes i end up scribbling words in a manner which could, from a very far angle, resemble to something like a poem.

Thankyou for being a part of my blog journey…Little doesn’t blog she blabbers but she likes doing it.

freaking out but not practising…

Sometimes there are things you need to do just for yourself and no one else…things you need to keep standing, to keep moving, to keep breathing, to keep believing, to keep fighting, to keep being you…

im suppose to practice right now because i have a big day tomorrow but im busy with music cause i need to not think of tomorrow…i need to breathe and just enjoy this moment…this one here where im a player, in the tournament and possible contender for finals…right here when i haven’t lost. Cause tomorrow it all might , might not change…so i want to enjoy every second of now before my tomorrow’s big game.

O btw…i came 3rd in desk decoration day…will upload pics tomorrow…hopefully with the good news and if not, i m still happy.

History can repeat itself, but not tomorrow…!!!!

I haven’t talked to anyone about my diagnosis and I’m kind of avoiding writing about it because I’m not sure how I feel about officially being diagnosed. Probably because I think I always knew now others know.

I had a good weekend and from tomorrow starts the annual chess tournament of Gotham. I can’t say I’m not freaking out, because I have a pretty good memory which makes it hard to forget last year. But I can say I have little confidence, that I will try my best to not make a fool out of me.  Tomorrow I can’t let history repeat itself; I can’t let myself go down the same road again. I’m already on the edge, I need a hand and tomorrow I will give myself one…hand of hope.

This is me giving myself pep talk because tomorrow I’m playing for myself, I’m Team Me.

I don’t know much, I have no talent just an ability to write stories and play Chess. I don’t know if its okay for me to be positive, for me to believe it will be easy, it will be awesome, but I want to believe it will. Maybe I will win tomorrow and day after tomorrow and again, maybe I will be send my story and get a Yes from the publishing house. Maybe I will fall in love someday. Maybe one day I will tell my mom and she will understand. Maybe one day I will travel and find someone like me.

There are ‘Maybes’ that I want to see but for now, right now I want to believe in ‘Maybe I will play my best and do well, make me proud’.

So here I’m ready for the game and by Friday (or maybe even before) I will send my story to the first publishing house in my list.

Got to go now, have to read few pages before I pop in the idiotic pills that make me groggy.

Goodnight world!

P.S leaving you with pictures of the day

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Versatile and Beautiful Blogger Award….!!!!!

Few days back I received nomination for Versatile-and-beautiful-blogger award by one of my WP friend howanxious.wordpress.com. But due to the kind of mood I was in I was delaying the acknowledgment of the award because that would be so wrong to say ‘YaY I got an award’ while I’m listening to Savage Garden’s Gunning Down Romance.

How Anxious’s blog is sort of like my blog…it reminds me of me I don’t know why, maybe because HA writes things happening in life, true feeling. I too write things happening to me, indirectly I project my mood to readers who don’t know me but love to send me hugs and smiles when I’m down.  HowAnxious is as awesome as me, believe me and I would like to thank my friend HA for giving me the nomination and for writing honest and true.

Okay rules, 7 things about me…

1 – I can’t swim

2 – I love to observe people when they think no one is watching them…this includes only my loved ones. I don’t stare at strangers because that would make me creepy.  😛

3 – I find Alice Cullen more pretty than Bella in Twilight movie

4- I once reached my college in 11 minutes which isn’t supposed to happen because my college is sort of far from my place. I remember some guy screaming at me because I think we were going to collide. I used to drive my scooter like crazy back then.

5 – I am desperate to win this years’ office chess tournament.

6- I don’t like to go to weddings

7- I love FRIENDS more than How I Met Your Mother. I can watch it again and again and laugh like crazy.

Now people to nominate

allthoselittlethingsilike.wordpress.com

squirrelcircus.wordpress.com

dreamingabouteveryday.wordpress.com

acflory.wordpress.com

didiita.wordpress.com

arabwriterchick.com

sobnyc.wordpress.com

365til30.com

They are some of my favorite bloggers, seriously. Just visit them once and you would fall in love with them, like i’m. There should be an award where i can nominate everyone i know on WordPress, because they are all so bloody awesome.

A song i found on one of the blogs i follow WordPress. I think you might like it too.

The Versatile Blogger…!!!!

Like i said yesterday,its raining surprises. I have been nominated by sweet and gracious Whitney Rains for the-versatile-blogger-award. How cool is that? I Know…VeRy.

There are rules, of course, but before i go to the rule section i would like to say thank you to Whitney. You made me smile so big. Seriously. You are awesome. 🙂 Whitney is good, she is talented, she loves books and characters and, currently,  she is working on her book.

Friends, if you are reading this, please do check out her blog

Okay, now as per the rules I’m supposed to tell 7 things about me and then nominate other bloggers.

7 Things you don’t know about me:

1 – I wanted to be an astronaut when i was in 9th grade

2 – I can’t wear anything other than denim, t-shirts and canvas shoes. Guess that’s what happens when a part of you fails to grow out of the tomboyish phase.

3 – I love romantic comedies but cannot (for some reason) read a romantic novel. Give me a thriller anytime.

4 – I have won two office chess tournament, but i can’t win against my cousin brother who taught me how to play chess.

5 – I’m obsessed with Super Heroes but in 26 years of my life i have just read one super Hero comic.

6 – When i was a young girl i never used to go anywhere without my red teddy bear and few years later i grew up to be a teenager who never used to go anywhere without her Walkman, bunch of cassettes and batteries.

7 – There was (for real) a time when i only had blue color in my wardrobe. I had lots of blue t-shirts.

Well, now the sharing the nomination part:

I have seen many bloggers do this, so I’m going to do the same…I’m going to nominate every blog i follow and everyone who follows me. People i follow, and the ones who follow me, are basically a bunch of awesome human beings.

I’m glad i found you and thankful you found me…!!!!  🙂 🙂