Er, excuse me mister, can i buy a copy of ‘Simple steps to act like a grown-up’…

I have Avril Lavigne’s “Here’s to never growing up” on repeat and I’m enjoying it lottt…why? Because Avril is one of those people I fell in love when I was this weird looking school girl who was living one of the best years of her life. Also, this song is kind of my anthem, because I don’t want to grow up.

I know, I know…Little you are 27 and in few months you will be 28…you are already a grown up by the definition of it. But then, that’s the thing… or I should say that’s the freakin problem with me. I don’t act like one. I should, I’m suppose to. The day I will act my age, a lot will be solved and many people will take a sigh of relief.

Grow your hair, get rid of those sneakers, stop buying t-shirts, learn how to cook, become social and start visiting relatives and family members, stop staying up till 3, start getting up early, act responsible, talk practical, act girly and look girly, clean your room, attend family weddings and get married.

How do I do all this with my head messed up, depression being the season inside me all year round, blues being the colour of my life, anger being the song of my life, me dressed up in fear 24/7…how? Believe me I would love to just throw away all my craziness and become responsible, grown up, practical and everything I’m suppose to be. Nobody enjoys awkwardness when interrogated with:

“You know you should grow your hair”

“Why don’t you wear heel?”

“Wow?  You never wore mascara?”

“OMG! You don’t wear dresses?”

“So do you have a boyfriend?”

“Hey how are you? Long time…when are you getting married?”

I can’t stop being me, which might be a good thing if you go by the philosophical and motivational posters that at scream you “Be yourself”. Only problem, whoever made those posters and sayings never met me.

I look at myself and I wonder where am I going? It’s not just how I live, how I dress up, what I believe in and how different I feel…it’s just that sometimes I can’t see anything ahead. Like I don’t believe in tomorrow, like tomorrow is a myth. My friend asked where do you see yourself few years from now and I said I don’t know. Truth is when I was a kid I was too eager to grow up, I remember being a teenager who wanted to just become a grown up. Now I’m one, at least I’m suppose to be one, but I don’t want to move. I want time to stop, just stay still. It’s not about growing old; it’s about growing every day and walking towards unknown.

I want to breathe and the more I walk towards tomorrow the more difficult it becomes, like a noose tied around me.  Few days back there was a talk future, my friends were talking about getting together and working on something, like a business thing. I asked myself; where would I be then? I don’t know how people look up ahead and plan something. I don’t know how people act like they are suppose to. I don’t know how to go bed like a normal person, sleep, wake up and live a day with a smile.

When someone asks me you slept at 3? What were you doing? I can’t tell them…I was crying for some time and then I had to stay awake for few minutes to make sure I don’t sleep with crying eyes to avoid bad swelling teary eyes in the morning.

The very fact that I relate to Charlie’s teenage character from “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” book should tell you how grown up I’m.

You are not suppose to act rebellious when you are a grown up…but then you are not suppose to be damaged, twisted and living on the wrong side of sanity either.

 

 

 

Spotted…Little dancing in her room!!!!

Today I was dancing in my room…that’s how a haircut affects me. Okay to be honest im, for some unknown reason, in a happy mood today.

Two lessons that i learned today, its time to change my saloon because they are robbing me and everyone else who goes there. I paid a fortune today for a haircut, I could have got me a new shirt with that money. But I like the guy who cuts my hair, as in he is good with his work. Second, next time when I want something I need to check all the shops instead of buying the first thing that I like in the market. I found this really nice wallet by Da Milano and it was on sale and totally within my pocket range but I just bought me a wallet last week. Why why why didn’t I search around before buying, I just bought the first wallet I found. Way to go Little!

Anyhow, Monday is here and I will sleep early tonight. Have to get up in morning for the badminton too. Good news I took A VERY SMALL step towards finishing the editing on Jane Doe, so I didn’t completely wasted my weekend. Yay!

Even though im peachy today I am also worried because my handsome doggie isn’t acting well. I think the cold is messing with his age. I hate to see him sad and ill.

So today I watched pilot episode of a new show “Don’t trust the B in apartment 23” and I liked it. I like the character of Chloe. And I ate 3-4 pieces of Lindor dark. Dammit! Why cant I stay away from chocolate and tv shows? Why?

Have to go now, because need all my energy for Monday. Im thinking of making few changes to wardrobe like buying more check shirts than tshirts this summer. Having haircut is always cheerful, despite the fact that I do not get to hear good things because everyone wants me to keep them long.

Valentine is coming and I know what I will be doing…Meg movie, donut, dance on my bed and I will buy me a book. Yes! Because I love myself.

Goodnight World!

P.S my blog’s birthday coming up…i didn’t realize that.