Thankyou Gotham….!!!!

Before I start with my episode and continue work on Jane Doe, I want to say something. Today I got salary raise and it makes me more than happy, it makes me super happy because no matter how screwed i’m with life at the end I’m not a complete loser. I work hard every day in Gotham but I never thought anybody cared.

I may not be the daughter my mom wished she had but i still made her little proud today which means a lot to me. I also missed my mentor and best friend a lot today because she is a major reason behind everything I do at work, she taught me all of it. My loved ones are disappointed with me at some corner of their heart and I know it very well but I also know today they are happy. I may act super self obsessed with “I’m Awesome” as my pet line but I have no confidence in me and  so, today, I told myself silently that despite the darkness I have done good, despite the pain I have managed well. I wanted to be hugged but I managed with self pep talk.

To reach this day is in itself an accomplishment for me because I know the journey. It was a good day today, while it began with a big headache it turned out to be just awesome. Also had one of those rare family outings which added to the whole awesomeness.

Club cant even handle me right now…!!!!

Every other day when I cry myself to sleep I wonder if there is any reason to have hope and faith. Even today as I smile and dance inside my head I feel the dagger but I am happy. I’m not loser.

So finally weekend is here and for next two days I have just Jane Doe on my plate. Write write write.

Goodnight world!

 

Where have i gone?

There is no good at keeping fake hopes, believing in dawn and thinking someday someone will rescue me from the lies. Truth is I can’t lie to myself anymore, not even pretend for my sake. I will walk the road like everyone else, play with their rules but even if i say “i quit” i will never stop dreaming cause you can break my bones, take my hope but you cant take my dreams away from me.

My mind has been going crazy with everything that’s inside me, at one point I thought it was going to burst into million pieces but that’s when I found my saviour. My best friend asked me and I spoke about a lot of things especially about the last night. When you see someone in pain, someone who can’t be helped what do you do? You tell them you love them anyway. She did that and it felt good. It always makes it easy when you know someone is looking out for you. Only problem is, at the end you are at your own care.

From where I’m sitting I can see pieces of my heart on the floor, on the bed, on the chair…it’s everywhere.

Today I realized what I wanted to say last night…I’m not you, deal with it…!!!! But problem is I couldn’t say it yesterday, I can’t say it now and maybe never.

Good news is its Friday tomorrow and just 9 some hours to go before I can actually drop all my masks and fall on my bed break into thousand pieces of despair. I think I should sleep for 10 hours straight to get myself back on board. I’m so numb with lack of sleep that I don’t even feel sad anymore, I don’t feel anything. Just one more day of Gotham. You can do it Little.

I’m looking forward to spending some time with Dominique and new idea for NaNoWriMo…it will cheer me up a lot. To be honest, all I wish to do is stay in my room and do a marathon of Winona Ryder movies.

Better go now; I’m already not able to focus at work. It’s like I’m there yet I’m not there. I’m talking to my team but I’m not there. I’m sitting at my computer looking at the screen, but I’m not there. Where have I gone?

Goodnight world!

I want World Peace and Friday Evening…!!!!

I’m super sleep deprived, super tired and weekend is all I look forward to, despite the fact that I might have to go to an exhibition I do not wish to go but it’s still better than going to Gotham and wondering what am I doing here.

There is this line in “Night at the museum -2” – key to happiness is doing what you love with people you love. Man I swear that was my life few years ago, I was at a place doing what I loved and with people I love and now I’m just at a place with everything changed. I don’t love what I do and I don’t have my people around me but I can’t move because I can’t. It’s like I’m shackled by fear to enter another world, more changes. Truth is I’m afraid of anything that has word NEW to it, new job, new people, new routine, new this new that. I have always been afraid of NEW, guess it has been with me all my life. New house, new school, new friends, new house, new school, new friends, new house, new school, new friends and it never stops.

I know it’s the lack of sleep talking, but right now I’m angry at something don’t know what. No I’m not angry at a person or life, I’m just angry and maybe I’m angry at myself for being so sensitive and fragile and all emotions all the time. I know many people would disagree because I rarely let them see I am sensitive usually its mean me.

Today I said something jokingly which I regretted very next second, because I have no right to judge someone. I can be a horrible person sometimes, anyhow am glad when I said this person wasn’t around.

So finally I managed to complete “Not without my daughter” and it was amazing. The book reminded me of one of my favourite book “A Thousand Splendid Suns”, only difference is not without my daughter is a true story. I couldn’t believe that this really happened.

The courage of one woman saved her daughter’s future. The book is about an American woman Betty and how she ends up being a hostage in Iran, because her husband won’t let her go back to life she once had. The book talks about good and bad people she meets in her desperate attempt to escape with her daughter. I plan to watch the movie now.

I have stopped all my workouts since last weekend and its time I get out of my stupidity because I need exercise for both body and my crazy mind.

I don’t know why I am not sleeping, all I know it’s going to kill me at work and that it’s going to add to my leaking emotions that’s usually a result of sleep deprivation. Maybe I should sleep, but I have to brush before I go and also need to clean the bed as I can’t see anything. My eyes are now closing which means time to go. I can’t stop listening to SKYFALL by Adele, it’s my current obsession and I’m on to it. I will kill it like every other song. It’s like every time I’m ready to surrender, life gives me a new song to kill.

All I want right now is a Friday evening.

I want World Peace and Friday Evening…!!!!

Because life has no rewind and play button…!!!!

Sometimes when the day isn’t good, life gives you a reason to smile before you go sleep it off. Yes it does happen sometimes; maybe that’s what is called “a sign”. Something to tell you, its okay you are being watched just hang on.

I don’t know how life works or how anything else works because I’m a pretty messed up person, yes I do end up being the best advisor to my friend or a fairly good team lead to my team, but there is nothing I can do to really fix things inside my head and heart. Truth is I’m just like anyone else, I love to be the funny one in the group, fall in love and have stupid love fights, be the friend you can count on and a daughter you could be proud of…only problem I’m not any of it.

This morning I woke up pretty late and with a serious blue mood that I wasn’t able to shake off while taking a shower, driving with loud music and smiling “Good morning” at my team. I knew just then that it was going to be a crappy day, so I tried not to talk to anyone much to save the world from my Hulk avatar. To worsen the situation we ended up having a long electricity issue because of some repair, which left us with no ACs. Heat gets the worst out of me because I can’t think when I’m sweating and irritated with humidity and perspiration. Anyhow, I did try to keep my calm and kept telling myself that it’s just few hours and that soon I will have my Friday night and everything will be okay.

Well before clock struck midnight life gave me a reason to smile and feel good about everything. It said okay you are screwed but hey you are awesome too.

You know I’m not sad right now, no I’m not I’m just thinking how life changes every second of every day leading us to a point where we realise we are no longer at the place we were hours and days ago. Truth is despite the showers of changes that wash us every year of every day of our lives, nothing really changes. We still enjoy being the kid with a bicycle, the teenager with wall full of posters, the high school person with a strict definition of love, the college geek with certain sets of friends with FORVER tagged on them, the office worker who likes to hang around the colleagues but wouldn’t mind getting a day off just no work and no boss.

We change and move but we are still the same person and would love to live those days again, only problem there is no fkn rewind and play button. Nope nothing to rewind and nothing to play again, just not how life works.

I am still the girl who had full plans of running away because she thought she was going to flunk her 10th grade board exams, I’m still the girl who fell head over heels in love but had to sing a sad goodbye song and walk away, I’m still the girl who found friends who changed her and friends who built her again but had to say goodbyes to each one of them, I’m still the girls who loves her office and the job but finds it hard to wake up and drive to it because it feels empty.

Why I’m saying all this? Because the nice thing that happened today made me realize how somethings remain the same, only changes cover them so heavily we can’t see them the way they were.

When universe throws a sign…!!!!

I just wrote and deleted a very angry post, because I did not like it and also how the hell does it changes anything. Do you believe in signs? I do…I have always been a believer in signs, any sign. Some signs tell us how good things are going to be and some pretty much warn us of a freakn moment coming our way. For example, if a person goes out her/his way to buy you something you once suggested it’s a sign of a good friendship or maybe more.

While I may have given a pretty happy example for my theory of signs, I don’t really have a happy story on my mind. There was once a little girl who was just ignorant of how the real life was, she was too involved in herself and her life that she failed to see the cruelty that surrounded the world. This little girl being too much inspired from fairly tales and super hero movies always wished if she could be different…she wanted to be anything but ordinary. She wished to grow up and be different. That very moment of her life was a sign that she couldn’t read and few years later she got what she had asked for…if only she knew what she was asking for. Today she is a grownup which pretty much sucks and she is of course not like everyone else, she is different, which again pretty much makes her a twisted soul.

See the thing with signs is that they work their way to our mind, we can either take them or ignore them. For past few days I have been having this weird feeling and I just couldn’t put a finger on it, but now I know. My super awesome universe, which for some reason doesn’t really like me much, was giving a sign about something, a sign that the big turn of my life is just around the corner. A sign that it has begun…Tick Tock…!!

Pretty damn scary I tell you but then I can really do nothing about it or can I?

These are the moments when I go narcissist and self centered and start praising myself, because everything else starts slipping or uprooting making life a worthless piece of old and torn paper, that was once a part of freshly published book. I’m usually good with words and expressing things but right now I can’t find words. My most important friend, my words are enjoying playing hide-n-seek when I need them the most. Is this a sign too? Hope not. I’m sick of signs because am driving 200km/hr and have almost reached the corner yet there is no dawn, no light.

I once read somewhere if everything is coming your way, then probably its  a sign that you are on a wrong lane…!!!!

 

 

 

Being a narcissist is like taking brandy for cold…!!

Sometimes I try to talk myself out of the weird state of doubts settled on me, like an algae that has gone bad. I would like to believe that I’m good at what I do, that irrespective of not being happy about working where I do; I do a hell of a good job.

I try to tell myself, that if I stop doing what I do people will have problems and maybe my non-working state will affect, a little but will affect, the task because i work hard. Why do i do that? Because I want to tell myself that it’s okay to not have the strength to find what’s right for you. I try to tell myself that if I cannot get up and walk out of my misery, because I think I’m not good, I’m still an important person in my current land of work. Sometimes when we complete a project, I tell myself “I played an important part in that and that I handled my part very nicely”.

This isn’t just about my job, where I often tell myself that “You are doing a good job”, “see, you are hardworking”, “your team knows how much efforts you put in”, “people who work with you, like you”. I do the same ritual in every day of my life. Narcissist? Maybe, but what else can you do if you know you are a wrecked ship going down and no one else is seeing you, stopping you or even trying to save you. When no one knows you need to be rescued, you try to do it in your own way.

Few years back, I was in a bad state…worse than this because I was too young to handle things. Now, I’m back to what I was then, only this time I’m not a 20-something college pass out. Let me tell a secret, I think I’m a good person and I have all the right to be happy. So, if I’m in tears and something is tearing me apart, I will tell myself “feck the rules, let’s go and eat something good”, “I know it hurts, but hey do you know you have some money to buy books”, “so what if you think people will hate you, you just bought a homeless kid a sandwich..See? You are not that bad”, “You are awesome”, etc , etc, etc.

O I can go on and on…I like to play a narcissist, fall in love with myself, do things to treat myself  nice and tell myself that I’m a good person, that I try to help people where I can, that I work hard in my office and I deserve to spend foolishly on books, even if I don’t read them.

Today I was low, was wondering why I’m still working here (my office). So i told myself “you can quit anytime and get yourself something good, you just don’t want to leave because you have bigger battles to fight. You can quit whenever you want. But please wait”. I don’t  know if that was meant to make myself happy or my boss…

I don’t know how many times i play this “you are an awesome person” game with myself…but if i don’t do this, i will not be able to stop myself from going back to being that dark- but-too-young -to-handle girl, i was once.

“No im not taking alcohol, its just brandy and i’m not feeling well..”

I found a lover…!!

I did…I found a lover and its WordPress. No I’m not trying to advertise the whole features and social benefits of blogging and definitely not talking about the pleasure of being Freshly Pressed (how can I?). Blogging has become what writing diary was to me… just couldn’t do without.

It feels like a secret lover for whom for I left my diaries, my late night movies and even cut down my visit to my bedtime reading. I feel like I’m cheating on things that once meant a lot to me, but there is nothing I can do about it now. Nothing. I’m pretty sure the day I will leave blogging would be the day I will quit from my imaginary world of hope, love and happiness. It would be the day I would enter the world everyone else lives in.

Last night I couldn’t update my post because I didn’t have access to internet, so I kept on thinking about it.

Me: what if someone liked my post?

Myself: Ha-ha Sure…

Me: No seriously…what if someone left a comment? I mean I have to approve them right?

Myself: So do it tomorrow?

Me: So late? That’s so rude.

Me: When will I read posts from people I follow? By now they must have updated another one.

Myself: You need medication

And so this continued all day.

Fact that blogging also makes me guilty describes how it’s like new found love; I’m just trying to hide. Yesterday with no internet I managed to finish my current book, which was horrible because I guessed half of it and the ending was weird. Anyhow, when I finished the book I realized that for past 3-4 weeks I have been ignoring these few pages. Why? I guess i know.

One of the blogger (Pia Valentin Poetry) I religiously follow wrote this amazing piece titled Different Degrees. It’s so true…there are different degrees of loneliness.  My degree of loneliness differs from people i know. The kind of level I’m at, it’s difficult to survive without anything creative. Everyday I ask this question to myself : Where has the creativity gone? Not that I was some super poet, big author or classy artist with right words for every occasion, but when I walked into the world of independence I never expected myself to do what I do now. Suddenly my life, my work has become a mix tape on repeat. While it was fun at the beginning, so fun that being on repeat was the best part of it…now it just hurts.

Even if I put aside all my fears, issues and stories, I still can’t make myself get up and look at the day with a smile. I wasn’t this, even when I had my issues I wasn’t like this. Even when the secret burnt hole in me I wasn’t like this. I loved my job, I loved my office, and I loved Mondays.

Now, as I fight 1,2,3,4,5,6…….100 of battles in one ground, I feel like I’m playing multiple roles in one movie. I’m fighting the bad guys in star wars, while I’m taking care of Lex Luthor, along with the Doc Ock and Sabertooth.

Blogging is my rest pad, after a long day of battling so much…Wordpress is where I fall down. It’s like the break corner in the boxing match or the pit stop in a car race, when the player is tried to rejuvenate and refreshed.

I don’t write anything great that can be liked enough to be freshly pressed yet what I write is creativity to me…when compared to the monotonous routine of my job.  Blog is like a lover with gothic look, tattoos and red hair, while the voices try to warn me to stay away with  judging eyes. Asking me to make other friends too (reading, TV, movies, story writing). I know it won’t hurt me, it just makes me happy and I want it.

In my level of loneliness… i found a lover i cant let go of !!

So everyday I say…Dear Blog, let’s talk…

 

 

Just some random rambling…!!!!

I aint sad, but i aint okay

Today i wasn’t in a good mood, no i wasn’t sad…it’s hard to explain, but i don’t think i was sad or unhappy. Have you ever had a day where you are upset, angry but not sad? Yes that’s what i was; i was irritated, angry and pissed. But, i wasn’t angry on any particular person or particular thing, i was just angry.  I was so uninterested at what i was doing, i wanted to take a walk, get some fresh air and feel anything else but anger. Plus point of being sad is that you cry and it goes away, for some time, but anger doesn’t go.

So what do you do? You avoid people, everyone. You avoid talking, to everyone. I was once a girl who took pride in never having a temper, because i was too busy to prove myself as the “nice girl”. Today am an angry young women, with a temper that surprises me more than it affects others.

Of course you know me, I’m Spiderman

Sometimes i think people don’t know me but they just think they do. How well do you know me?

This is one question i would like to get printed on a t-shirt and wear it to wherever i go, even in my dreams… if possible. Sometimes i wonder why people think they know me, why everyone knows what’s my problem and why I’m the only one who doesn’t understand it?

A large number of people in my life claim to know me know everything wrong with me. 80% think it’s because i don’t understand the need of acting like a grown up and be one, rest have their own theories. Funny, some even think i had a secret boyfriend and the break up screwed me. That one is nice though, makes me a mysterious women, but how true is it? Truth is only 1-2% of people in my life have some idea.

Note to the Author

Who does cycling in jammies? Seriously? So i started with cycling today, because I needed to. Just needed it. But because i wasn’t prepared and it was just an impulsive decision, I couldn’t find the right cycling gear. So i went in my jammies. Wasn’t bad, only i was afraid that my PJs might get stuck in the cycle chain and i might end being a part of horrible television news.

Breaking news: Dumb blogger fell on face with her pajamas getting stuck in her cycle

Whoa! That doesn’t sound good.