the better side of the window…!!!!

I think happiness is a myth, it’s more of a fashion style that people carry with them.

Is it really possible to be happy like so happy that it would hurt, but in a good way?

I don’t know why I’m asking. I have had a good evening yet I feel unsettled. A part of me is tired and knowing that tomorrow is another day of wearing a face, and walking out in the world, is only making me feel more exhausted.

Today I saw a man who wasn’t physically well and was begging for food or money. I stopped my car at the traffic lights and rolled down my window to give him a banana. He seemed happy, walked away, sat on the ground and used his good hand to eat.

Now , who am I to cry or crib about life when he would do anything to be me even lie and pretend like I do. I know there are hundreds of people who would happily wear a face everyday and live my life. Because I m well, healthy, have a job, some money, family, a home and I get to be the one rolling the window down instead of the one knocking on it.

But, does this mean my pain isn’t significant? Does this means it’s okay to cry alone and to fight the inevitable?

I know I have it good and I shouldn’t be the one to complain, but it still hurts everyday. Knowing that I have to fight a certain kind of sadness & fear every minute of everyday doesn’t help. I am thankful for the privileges but I still can’t stop hurting.

Does it make me a horrible person? To be ink blue all the time when I’m at the better side of the window.

It’s just the sadness is so heavy some days it gets too hard to carry it without swearing at the world and the people and the dried-down river of empathy around us.

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Silence or Music…!!!!

Wasn’t my day. I don’t feel well because of super irritating stomach issues plus some stupid biker banged into my car. Why do people keep on bumping into my car?

Sometimes I go into this phase where when I hear someone crib about life a part of me wants to ask that someone to shut up. I know sounds mean, but it’s not the lack of empathy it’s the anger. I get angry that why is it that I can’t crib out loud. I do. I crib so much and have bad mood days but I have to always come up with some sort of lies to justify my emotions. I lie if someone sees me gloomy. Why can’t I just be an honest cribber? That’s why when I hear a person talk how much life sucks, I want to just walk away or put my headphones on.

I know its mean. But some days the Hulk inside me gets so angry because all I have is lies and pretenses. I don’t know why I’m saying this. How easy life would be if I just spoke but how different my world would be.

You know what’s the saddest thing about living a lie? You can’t defend yourself when people, who love you, end up talking crap about you right in front of you. You can’t blame them because they don’t know they are making fun of you, because they don’t know you or truth about you. So you nod, agree and try to change the topic as smoothly as possible. You kill your pride, swallow the shout and continue with your Oscar level performance of being the person you aren’t.

Sorry, but I’m bitter and angry today and I blame the health. I want my dog right now, but again I can’t have him. I can’t go to a friend crying asking for a hug, for I don’t know what to say when asked about my tears. I can’t tell my mom I need to sleep next to her tonight like I used when I was a little girl; for she would end up worrying that something is wrong.

Truth be told, I just want to stay alone for a day with no one talking to me and me not pretending. Just  me, music and a little low profile silent and dull day. Just what I need. But unfortunately, I can’t get a hug or lonely day for weekend is over and I have Gotham from tomorrow.

Some days I feel so small; a tiny little leaf on a tree that would just wither and fall away one day.

Believing in magic is the only way it works…

Last night i saw one of my favorite movies again because i wanted to watch something magical, happy and innocent on Christmas Eve. So i chose “Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium” as my movie. Even though i have seen it before, i still loved it till the end. It’s a fantasy comical drama and the little girl in me was very happy to see it. Also, i love Natalie Portman.

If you’ve not seen it i would definitely recommend this one for the kid inside you 🙂

Merry Christmas to you and your loved ones 😀

I love Christmas. Everything about it. The tree, the cold weather, the holiday, the carols, the lights. There is something about Christmas and New Year festivities that makes me happy, so happy. I mean i woke up little edgy and lost but then i played a Christmas song on my phone, danced and shook the cloud over me and said to myself “It’s your day, smile and forget the pain. I know something is troubling you and you don’t know what but not now. Not today. Tomorrow you crib, tomorrow you be as bitter as possible. But not today”

So i shook it off me, drove to city with my friend had a good lunch and then we were joined by more friends later. We all had coffee, wore our Christmas spirit and cap, played scrabble, smiled, clicked pictures and came back happy.

I know i might just go into tears after turning off the lights, i might just spend next one hour sobbing alone in darkness, but right now I’m happy because it was Christmas today. Magic doesn’t work unless you believe in it, something i got from the move i saw, and Christmas is magical and i can’t stop believing in it. I believe its a day of smiles and happiness even for people like me and it doesn’t disappoint. The day brings a smile to me, even if I’m home all day.

It’s weird because i can’t explain my reason for loving Christmas so much. I’m not religious and  i don’t do any Jesus talk. I’m not even Christian. Maybe i just need excuses to break the walls of my darkness and Christmas is one such excuse or reason.

Anyhow, sending lots of good wishes to everyone…

Only sad thing, i missed my buddy Snowy a lot today. Yesterday we got these Christmas caps and my first thought was i will put one on Snowy and click a pic of him. Then, it hit me. Good thing it was a thought and i didn’t say it out loud. I don’t want people to know how much i miss him because i don’t think anyone would understand. I would hate to hear anyone say “He was just a dog”.

Anyhow, not going sad. Let’s just be happy today. Christmas time 🙂

Leaving you with a Soundtrack from the  movie..