the better side of the window…!!!!

I think happiness is a myth, it’s more of a fashion style that people carry with them.

Is it really possible to be happy like so happy that it would hurt, but in a good way?

I don’t know why I’m asking. I have had a good evening yet I feel unsettled. A part of me is tired and knowing that tomorrow is another day of wearing a face, and walking out in the world, is only making me feel more exhausted.

Today I saw a man who wasn’t physically well and was begging for food or money. I stopped my car at the traffic lights and rolled down my window to give him a banana. He seemed happy, walked away, sat on the ground and used his good hand to eat.

Now , who am I to cry or crib about life when he would do anything to be me even lie and pretend like I do. I know there are hundreds of people who would happily wear a face everyday and live my life. Because I m well, healthy, have a job, some money, family, a home and I get to be the one rolling the window down instead of the one knocking on it.

But, does this mean my pain isn’t significant? Does this means it’s okay to cry alone and to fight the inevitable?

I know I have it good and I shouldn’t be the one to complain, but it still hurts everyday. Knowing that I have to fight a certain kind of sadness & fear every minute of everyday doesn’t help. I am thankful for the privileges but I still can’t stop hurting.

Does it make me a horrible person? To be ink blue all the time when I’m at the better side of the window.

It’s just the sadness is so heavy some days it gets too hard to carry it without swearing at the world and the people and the dried-down river of empathy around us.

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Don’t quite know, how to say how I feel…!!!!!

Grey’s Anatomy s11E22, JJ dies and I went all weepy…So why was I crying? Because a fictional patient died? Because I’m a sensitive woman who cries over sad or happy scenes? Because I wanted to cry for days and I just did? I don’t know.

For past few days, I have been wondering about things. I get riled up at home, I hate being at Gotham and I am terrified of every ‘tomorrow’. All that awesome smouldering and smuggy aura that I try to carry at work is a lie I would live for as long as I’m alive. Forever. Because let’s be honest, no way in this life  am I ever going to find dawn. frkn dawn is such an excuse to hold on to an invisible hope.

Day before yesterday, I woke up to a dream that was so beautiful. I was with a friend I miss and my little T-dog was there. It was like being in a world I left a long time ago. Sometimes I dream of Snowy like he never left and I wake up realizing how much I miss him. A friend of mine thinks, one of the reason I’m blue is because he left because everyone around me moves away to different places. True. Almost true. I’m the bluest of blue but not cause every friend I ever made moved away or because my dog died or because I’m an invisible suitcase with a story untold. I’m blue because I’m. That’s who I’m, that’s what I was meant to be a color, a word and a person who would spend rest of her day pretending to be awesome because like they say in Grey’s Anatomy

The carousel never stops moving

Step one, step two, step three…step thousand & eighty three…!!!!

She has been walking

For hours

For years

All alone

For miles

Yet its the same

The road

The sky

The load

Of her emptiness

Is her only

Companion

Her Oblivion

Is her only friend

So much walking

She finds herself

At same place

With no grace

She is a face

With questions

She throws

At the birds

The crows

The wall

The sky

And then few more steps

Few more turns

She stifles a cry

Drags herself

From left to right

All alone

With heart so

Heavy like a stone

She is bitter

Punished by her own existence

To her

Nothing makes sense

Where and when it all began

The plan

Of universe

The mess

She has fallen into

Step one

Step two

Step one thousand & eighty three

When will she get free

For she wants no more

Of hopes and words

Sticks and stones and swords

Mean nothing to her

For

She fears the unseen

She wince

In pain

I quit she says

Yet she stays

On the road to nowhere

So much of moving

Still is here

She never moved

She never will

Standing still

Even after years of struggle

In the misty road of pain

She snuggles

up to herself in vain

How long has she been walking?

How long has this sadness been stalking?

She asks once more

She has lost the count and score

It comes back to

Step one

Step two

Some more tears

Another silent sniffle

And step three

Step four

Hundred more

To go

Thousands more to count

While she continues to mount…!!!

Journey towards the bright light at the end of the tunnel continues…lets hope its not a train!!!!

My 31st and 1st and 2nd and 3rd and 4th all came and went with a swooshy sound, I didn’t get time to sit and ponder on how 2014 was and what my 2015 resolutions would be. Last year was relatively kind to me, but I did lose a friend in the crowd of expectations and lies. A friendship drowned somewhere causing an irreparable damage. Minus that I did fine with the standards tears, pain and heartache. I did drop to a whole new level of blues when I discovered new dark face of mine, but that’s no biggie. Apart from the usual, it wasn’t a nice year in terms of health. Yep! Definitely that’s where 2014 screwed up big. Overall, 2014 was decent, kinder and a snatcher for it snatched a friend.

When every day is a struggle some years prove too kind not because they tore you up little less, because you became little more immune and strong.

I did find a lot of new songs, new TV shows, a way back to my stories, few more novels on my shelf, new favourite pair of sneakers, some more scratches and dents on my car and introduction to Xanax. Walking into 2015 is more or like taking a blind turn on a dark rainy night, just not sure what to expect. Every year I hope I would bump into Dawn, I fear I would lose grip on the frays of hope and I wear faces that suffocate me. Maybe 2015 would be amazing, maybe it would be kind or maybe it would be my iceberg, I have no idea. Let’s destiny and universe do its thing, I have things to do too.

  • Find as many new songs as possible
  • Not to break my new phone (Oh yes big news Little is now HTC person Goodbye Nokia Windows)
  • Watch more movies of Jodie Foster
  • Drive slowly and more in control and safe and better and in any other way that would keep me away from repair shops
  • Buy a proper bookshelf or else my mom would sell away all the books lying around me
  • Read as many historical fiction as possible
  • Read at least one unread book in my book collection
  • Continue my relationship with happy food and coffee
  • Cheat on a fictional character by falling in love with another and another and another
  • Cry when no one is watching and put on my headphones when someone is watching
  • Watch You’ve Got Mail or any Meg movie on an impulse
  • Continue believing I’m a Vampire and stay up till late only to regret next afternoon at 3pm
  • Find a new donut to add to my confusion of what’s my favorite flavor
  • Finish editing at least one of my stories or just send an unedited version to a publisher for fun
  • Torture my body with worthless evening walks and jogging, despite knowing that Dunkin Donuts is where I belong

So, may be 2015 would be another 2014 or another 2013 or another 2012 or 11 or 10 or maybe it would be a whole new never seen totally mind boggling era…all I know, I’m a lone soldier battling a war and my resolutions are my weapon of defense against the unknown.

There is always another song to add to shuffle, another cup of coffee to put on Insta, another book to buy and another fictional character to fall in love with…

P.S leaving a fun remix by Bastille

Love is no sin…!!!!

Walk left

Walk right

Dance

Scream

& fight

Do

Whatever

You

Want to

Love

Lust

Make friends

Or

Pretend

You are

A rockstar

Do

Everything

Get a ring

Or another drink

Make boats

And planes

Draw words or lanes

On the wall

Crawl

Or stand

Fall

Or

Lie down

Sing loud

Be proud

Stay angry

Be hungry

Kiss

Kiss again

Go out in rain

Cry for real

Eat big meal

Get high

Drive fast

Put music on blast

Sing with the song

Do everything right

Try everything wrong

Love someone

Get a pet

Smile at everyone

Dance alone

Dance with everyone

Cook a meal

Burn some

Write a letter

Tear down a sweater

Sleep in your denims

Plan road trips

Sit with your mom

Go to Rome

Fall in love

Fall again

Break a heart

Start

Another story

Live the pain & the glory

Read books

And turn pages

Click pictures

Capture the ages

Find a soul mate

Play chess

Do a checkmate

Love your coffee

Spill a little

Live a little

Live a lot

Gloat

A little

Shop more

Share more

Draw

A bad painting

Keep it

Like it

Buy cars

Small toys

Race with boys

Twirl

With girls

Eat ice-cream

Dream

Dream again

Spill food

On yourself

Leave CDs on bookshelf

Watch lots of movies

Dress up nice

& Groovy

Run a lot

Sweat a lot

Walk slow

Watch the sun rise

& the moon glow

Hide a flower

In a book

Be believer

Or an atheist

Find christ

Or love

Cloud & morning mist

Fall & bleed

Buy stuff & feed

Strays

Always

Say I love you

To the face

In the mirror

Say your grace

Never

Let go

Of you

Do whatever

Makes you

Believe in forever

Don’t let the world

Tell you

What’s right

Or wrong

Be true

Be strong

Don’t cave

In

Be brave

Remember

Love is no sin…

 

 

 

 

Rain is a good place to hide tears…!!!!

I feel sad like sad, sad…you know. I’m exhausted and I need weekend. I’m sleep deprived and all lost.

All I need is a hug…i miss my friends, I miss my snowy and I miss being okay…
Just one more day at Gotham and then I can die on my bed for two days.

If only you could buy hugs in the stores or find them hanging on tress…if only. Honestly, I don’t even know what made me cry. Wasn’t a bad day. Nothing happened.

Guess I need sleep. Real bad.

Goodnight world!!!!

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Inspecter, i think i’ve killed my thinking cells…i didn’t mean to!!!

Do you ever worry for your parents, like they are so fragile and they aren’t invincible? Past one week made me kind of realize how i’ve grown up being taken care by my parents and ended up thinking they are made of titanium, but they are just as much breakable as me.

I dont know how i managed to survive till Friday, but i have made it and here im sitting alone in my room breathing in the relief of a weekend. I am exhausted physically and mentally, so badly. I just need to stay in bed for a day and not do anything, don’t even want to get up to make myself a cup of coffee but then i would die of caffeine deprivation. So i wont perform that stunt. Coffee is must for me, its my dope just like music.

Have you ever felt the need to cry even though you aren’t feeling like crying but you need to? Im heavy inside, so heavy that i cant think. It’s all so clouded, numb and cluttered inside. Thoughts inside my head are pushing the each other and suffocating one another. I need to clear the damn head, i need to feel and cry and let it go. Weird? well weird for one reason because i dont feel like crying. Voices are laughing at me, i know that. Damn!

I think emotionally it has been an overwhelming week.

I have to go. Happy Weekend to all.

Goodnight World!

 

 

 

 

Grief isn’t hard its the guilt and anger…!!!!

I knew i was going to watch a Cory Monteith tribute special Glee episode and it was going to be sad but i had no idea it was actually going to make me cry. Not that i dont cry, on the contrary i cry alot just hate to show. But i mean there was this scene where Lea Michele’s character sang a song for him and next thing i know i had tears falling all over my laptop.

The grief episode just made me think of what i lost. Snowy. Maybe he was just a dog for many but for me he was family and you don’t stop  missing family. Do you? I try less to think of him in a sad and serious ways cause then i start thinking of his last day, that picture in front of me breaks every piece of me. A part of me dies every time i realize he is not here and never coming back. When he died, for days and weeks i had dreams where he was back and i was hugging him. Of course i still dream of him sometimes, but less.

What makes me sad is that i never got to talk about him like you do when you loss someone. A part of me wants people to know how much it kills me but then i realize its my loss and i dont think anyone will ever understand.

Crazy thing about grief is that it makes you feel guilty that one day you will forget to grieve or worst you will stop grieving at all.

That’s what i’m scared about…I hope i never stop because i dont want him to think he wasn’t loved.

Got to go now. Have one more episode left before i cry myself to sleep. Did i tell you tomorrow we have office cricket match and im the captain of my team? Why cant i have one weekend where all i have to do is not leave my room? I mean a boring lay-low sleepy dull weekend is all i need…seriously, how hard is that?

Goodnight world…!!!!

P.S I recommend Gravity…Nice movie…Sandra Bullock rocks.

No title for today…my mind isnt working at 4 in the morning!!!!

3:45 Am im watching some episode and my tube-light goes off on off on..at first i wonder if i should worry after all i just saw “The Conjuring”, then i realized i rather make myself instant noodles and watch another episode for i don’t care…im that messed up.

It was a very busy and tiring day, as i was out with Dexter (how i call my brother) shopping for his birthday gift. Its his birthday tomorrow, so we went out shopping, then i dropped him home and went to play Scrabble with my friends. No one was in a mood to play yet we played for an hour before my friend decided to declare the game. BTW i was winning. Came home finished Season2 of Suits, had my dinner then we all wished Dexter at 12 and gave him his surprise gift. After spending some time on phone with my friend about tomorrow’s movie plan and scrabble schedule, i debated whether to watch a movie or episodes. I ended up watching pilot episode of “The Killing”. Heavy hardcore and heavy. Almost made me cry. The show left me curious and i want to watch more now.

That’s how my day went which also clearly says i did no writing. I dont think i will do tomorrow either.

We all get a day when something changes for us or we realize something. I have one too, a day of revelation and discovery about something that i knew for quite long but couldn’t really put a finger on.

How i would love to just stay home tomorrow all day and drown in self pity but i have a busy day. Im going to play Scrabble with friends who wont know im all blue inside and then i will watch “We are the Millers”. Jeniffer Aniston will always be Rachael Greene for me.

Its almost morning now, so i better go and get some sleep.

 

 

 

Can anyone die of boredom?

Im in pain and the reason, for the first time, is not my story but life in general.

I think its the fact that am bored. So bored of my work, when I ask myself what is it that do? I almost expect someone to say what Frank said to Kathleen Kelly. But then that is what happens in movies, in reality am not a lone reed. Am just a confused loner who is scared to walk out of her comfort zone.

I have been thinking about my job and I wish I could gather the guts to march into unknown.

Today im missing 3 friends all at same time, because I miss them. Yes, at same time.

Another reason am low is lack of good sleep that I make sure i never get. Why the hell cant I just sleep when I know have work tomorrow? Where is weekend? Man I feel drained out and exhausted.

I worry about people I love and today Im worried for a person who is very close to my heart. I wish i wasnt living in another city, so I could just visit and feel better. You know how when you are young and crazy in college and you think life would be the same forever. The good times, long nights, friends and carefree living, nothing will change. It does and today I feel like one of those old people who like to talk about their younger days with the words “when I was young”.

Right now am low on positivity and high on mixed emotions. Its raining outside and im hardly noticing because I dont care, im busy being worried, sad and confused.

You cant be your own friend, your own doctor, your own superhero…and when you try to, its nothing but a sad and sour reality that you are a lost cause.

I wish to take a day off tomorrow and stay home all day and indulge in self-pity, but I cant I will have to get up, drive down to work and smile at people when all I want to do is cry like a teenager who likes to believe that everything bad in the world happens to her, just her.

Goodnight world!

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