Merry Christmas…!!!!!

I hope there is a dawn for me and for everyone who needs it. It would be a waste of a good life that we have here if we give up on hope, even if we know its just a thread holding us for little more days or weeks or months or years. We are what we are, no one can change that and that’s what makes us special- our story. Don’t we all have one?

I have a story, a heartache, lots of issues and impossible & hopeless desire of a life I live inside my head. But I don’t ever want to give on hope, I want to believe that even though world is mean and hard and sometimes too racists or judgmental, but there are people who have nothing but love to give. I want to believe its okay to smile at others and at yourself for that’s how you make kindness survive among the seeds of hatred, sown up all around.

If you are someone who is hurting or wondering what is the purpose of anything or trying to hide those tears behind a still smile, I so so so dearly hope you would hold on to hope and smile and love yourself even if its hurting.

Maybe the world is dark and scary, but if you give up now or do not continue walking ahead how will you find kindness and people who would want to hear your story and fall in love with you despite every word you say.

Maybe happy endings are for movies but I hope you would still find a tiny little corner, inside your aching heart, for hope and a smile for yourself.

I hope you would learn to be kind to yourself…that makes a huge difference. Its okay to be your own person, your own super hero and your own Santa. If you can learn to love yourself and be kind to your hurting soul, you will find its not hard to hold on.

If hope is not your thing, if you are seeing the picture of life with all its
ugliness and sharp edges, just be gentle and kind to that person in your mirror.

Hanging on to the invisible threads of Hope…i wish you all

Merry Christmas

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Er, excuse me mister vampire, could you please compel me?

I read my ‘About Page’ and i kind of wanted to change it, make it more real. So, i wrote a long page with new stuff and it went like this …

A self-labelled super hero, I am nothing but a loner, a dark and delusional human being with a good heart but unhappy soul. That’s me. Because i live in a world where you don’t get a pass to be you unless you are what others are. Normal by acceptable norms set by a world crazy in itself. I was funny once, even with the darkness inside, i was awesome once but now i’m too tired and exhausted to be that.

There was more to it and if had continued i would have probably said things i want to. Then i smiled, realized how sleep deprived i’m and needy for pity. So, i pressed backspace again and again and again.

Truth is, i had an okay day, not great, not bad but decent. For some part of it i was even smiling and chair dancing while working on my PC at Gotham. But now, i am alone and stripped of my super hero uniform.

Sometimes i wish the whole TVD compel thing was for real, i could use some compelling to forget things, truth and the ache that has become my skin.

If i could i would get myself compelled to be somebody i’m not. No biggie, im already living a lie i may as well live one i believe in too.

The Killing ….!!!!!!

I truly believe ‘The Killing’ is one of the greatest shows ever its intense, dark yet it makes sense. A red hair detective who is obsessed with her job and works like any a super cop, except she is all human, has a boy she is not able to give time to, has personal demons she fights and some highly funny but normal-people like sweaters. A macho looking tall detective partner whose irony is his struggle with dope and his belief that he can be a good man too. Together they solve cases, fight bad guys to find justice for grieving families while feeling the same level of pain personally and professionally, as they smoke cigarettes one thing that bonds them apart from their job.

SPOILER ALERT – i am going to tell you what makes The Killing so awesome and what i think about the finale.

You know after watching shows like Dexter, HIMYM, Lost and Prison Break i felt so cheated and heartbroken because the finales were disappointing to the core. I mean, Lost and Dexter broke my heart and HIYM felt like waste of time. My purpose of talking about these shows is that after watching the finales of such big and grand shows i gave up on finales, i was sure all my favourite shows were going to end up with a senseless finale and I’m pretty sure it would happen with others too but The Killing isn’t one of them.

It’s a dark show, many of my friends have given up on it and some won’t even start with it because, yes, it’s dark. But if you watch it, you would see how much sense it makes every in damn season, every damn case and the finale. And it’s like Veena Sud knew what the show needed – a happy closure. After 4 seasons of darkness, Linden and Holder found the peace, the happiness and moment of truth – they belong together.

I know, it’s just a show but for me it was like i was part of the journey Sarah Linden went through. Each case whether it was Rosie Larsen, Bullet and Callie or Kyle Stansbury, i felt like i was a part of it. Maybe that’s why i solved them all before the finale.

When Rosie Larsen died, it broke my heart, when Bullet died i cried for real but my favourite moment was the last scene when she came back. When Sarah drove back to Holder. When a show so dark, painful and twisted got a happy ending. I think i took a sigh of relief because they didn’t kill Sarah or Holder i mean they could have, it was the show where people died but they didn’t.

Every single episode was gripping and every single case was close to my heart because of the stories, the emotions, the pain and the hope that Linden and Holder would find out who did it.

Finale was just fantastic because of the ending. Just fantastic. Thankyou Veena Sud.

P.S sharing video and images from the fb page of this amazing show.

 

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Jodie Foster movie marathon day…!!!

I did a Jodie Foster movie marathon today, manged two movies couldn’t watch the third one but maybe tomorrow. Yes, i know i’m in love with Meg Ryan and Winona Ryder but Jodie Foster is awesome. She is like too good. I watched two more movies today, they were heavy and serious stuff but she was excellent. “The Brave One” and “The Accused” both were good, dark but damn good.

Have a busy day tomorrow, hope my health supports me. Its getting difficult to stay active all day now.

 

I dont know about beautiful, but world is 3D for sure…

World might be beautiful but it’s also 3D…we all see it from different angles!!!!

I think im losing my mind or maybe its the week. Past 2-3 days haven’t been fun, so today i woke up telling myself to just survive for few hours and then it would be okay, weekend is here. Plan was simple, i was going to drown myself into music and have as many cup of coffee as possible. Then it happened. Life said Fck you Little. My headphones died on me. They wont work. Of all the days, today they decide to die on me.

I mean im already tired and exhausted with all the crying, the headache is killing me and all i needed was a song to stop thinking. A cup of coffee and some music to kill the voices in my head. Did i ask for too much? Dont think so.

I think i almost ended up crying atleast i was about to, luckily i have friends who for no reason or some reason kind of like me despite my being a total pain to them. So my friend got me extra headphones. Its not about the fact that my headphones stopped working, its just that im exhausted and i just need everyone to stop for a second and hold me tight for im breaking into million pieces.

I’m doomed to suffer i know that but some days the fact just wont stop poking me. It would just not leave me and man i hate such days. I can pretend all i want about things truth is if you look at the world from where i stand, you will see how dark and selfish it is.

How hard is it to surrender? All i need to do is give up but i wont even do that. I want to be my hero, fight and get hurt everyday. Quit already. Nope. Just wont do.

All i needed to do was get awesome grades & become a rocket scientist…!!!!

Last night, I saw this Charlize Theron movie “Monster” and dude I can’t believe how much I cried at the end. I mean yes, the character was dark, bad and a killer and I’m suppose to not like it but the story was so tragic.

Have you ever used your sweater’s or sweatshirt’s sleeves as tissue paper while you were crying your eyes out seeing a sad movie? Ya me neither…I’m just asking. Who does that? I never did that? Okay, I do that. Whatever.

A,nyhow, so I woke up all blue and I just wanted to stay in the bed all day and not talk to anyone because a part of me was trying to do that “World doesn’t care” thing. But I had to get up, wear my “Wassup people. How you doin?” face and take my guests for shopping to the city. While they were out I was sitting in my car with a takeaway cappuccino (You can’t take me for a drive without my morning coffee) and reading my book. I played the “Girl with the car” today and drove them around. I’m so glad that I live in a city that is still bearable when it comes to traffic and crazy number of cars on the road. Though some days it’s so bad that everywhere there is a long jam but luckily there are also days like today, when I get to cruise around without a break. I love driving. Hate the “Take guests to shopping” part but love driving.

Indian guests are kind of difficult, they kind of become owner of the house during their stay.

Basically I spent all my day driving with my kind of music in car. The driving made me happy and then I got to meet a friend I was missing a lot for past few days especially since the Gotham incident. Well, what can I say:

Sometimes even after waking up on the wrong side of the bed, a day can be surprisingly beautiful…

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But it makes me sad that tomorrow I have to get up again, wear the same “Wassup people. How you doin” face and spend 9 hours looking at my screen wondering “Why couldn’t I study hard and become a scientist or an astronaut”…Who asked me to become a writer? Oh! Wait…I was born as a writer…I was born this way.

Bore…..Zzzzz….ed!!!!!!

I think I know why I get obsessed with some shows. Some stories stay with you because they end up being the reflection of your own life. That’s why.

So today was a very boring and highly dull day at Gotham, which was also the highlight of my day. How? Well, when you end up staring at the screen all bored of the monotonous and stagnant 9 hours of life, you end up taking to yourself:

“This is it. I’m no longer going to waste my life. I have to get up and get out of my comfort zone. I will write and get my book published and never come back to Gotham or I will walk out of Gotham and find another job where life is little creative. This is it. From today I will work my way towards my dreams.”

And then you hear applause followed by laughter, uncontrollable ROFL kind of laughter, from the voices inside your head and you kind of smile because you knew how funny every word of your silent conversation was. I mean even you know you won’t and can’t ever break the shackles you have around you. Because you are, you.

In simple words, I had a boring, dull and super lame day though it wasn’t sad just booooorinng. Worst part is to get up in cold morning to drive to a place where I have to spend next 9 hours listening to each and every song in my mp3 player, drinking coffee and staring at my watch wondering how, once, Gotham was my safe haven.

I don’t know if its possible for a person to die of boredom, but my brain cells are surely dying slowly.

Leaving you with a song from “The killing”. Its a dark show but something about it will always stay with me.

 

 

Love quoting from Meg Ryan’s movies…

It was a decent sunshine Sunday. Makes me happy because I keep thinking of last Sunday when the thoughts inside my head went as dark as possible.

Feel like Meg’s character Capt. Karen Emma Walden from Courage Under Fire, as I hear myself say “No Surrender” even when I know its a lost battle.

Happy Monday to all and Goodnight!!

why should you vote for me?

So before i say anything, everybody raise your hands because i just read somewhere that Robert Pattison and Kristen Stewart are back. Maybe its a gossip, and not true, but i would like to believe its true and i would like to say Oh Snap and dance inside my head…

I am a dark person, totally twisted and most of the time my mind is a crazy place but i like to see world as a happy place. I have been in love with these two people since i first read and watched Twilight.

You see I’m like the worst kind of person you can have around but i do have some nice things about me.

Why should i be nominated as Super Hero of the year?

I believe in equality, if not me then who? Come on. If i could i would have voted for Obama but sorry dude Sir im kind of not eligible but yeah go Obama.

I love love love Dogs and if i could i would buy a huge mansion and own lots and lots of dogs because i cant stop loving them. Even though losing one has broken my heart into tiny little pieces that can never be fixed. No animal cruelty and violence in my secret world, where im the queen. Of course only few people live in that land, me and voices in my head.

I love everyone, im big on giving love. Don’t believe me? Ask all the fictional characters i spend days talking to and falling in love with. Yes, i do know i give less attention to real flesh and blood around me but hey giving love is giving love…right?

I believe in spreading music around. How? Take a drive with me and you will see how i put on loud music and sing along with my windows rolled up. Who does that? Offering free awesome music along with a karaoke session.  Man! I can make you cry with the pain in my voice when i sing along a sad song. For disclamer purposes the pain would be physical torture caused on your ear drums and not the emotional soothing heart wrenching melodious one, but hey Pain is Pain. No discrimination when it comes to music in my land.

I believe in diversity. Some days im Batman, some days Hulk and then i do like to play Spidey too. Don’t believe me? Come to my room. So much clothes and books and socks and shoes everywhere, you will be lost and stuck…where do you get lost and stuck? In a Spider’s web…see? did you get it? Im a Spidey too.

Am so awesome that even the word “Awesome” gets upset if not used for me. Im like Jack of all trades and Master of all Jacks.

I can be a Super Hero with talent to be all of them, sometimes at once. A night creature who stays up all night and sleeps at work while still managing to kill the deadline. I can write a story inside my head while staring at my work PC screen for 30 minutes. I can go in and out of a conversation around me without the others knowing it because i nod, unknowingly and amazingly i nod, even though I’m at some fun place inside my head. I can listen to one song all day and yet end up screaming singing its lyrics in car (while coming back) like i just heard it for the first time. I can buy books and not even read them and still buy more because i have no books to read. I can quote “You’ve Got Mail” in every situation because i think i have never been in love like im in love with Katheleen Kelly and because “I’m a Lone Reed”…see quoting. Did you get that, Lone Reed from the movie? No you didn’t? Go watch You’ve Got Mail. How can you  not watch that movie and not love it and not quote it?

I can waste time like no one else can by thinking of four random things that i need to do and crossing them one by one singing Eeny, meeny, miny, moe only to realize i just need to do one thing and i have no time now because its like 2 AM in morning. Lastly, I (and this is for real, like TRUE STORY real) can drink a cup of coffee and sleep right after that for hours without even feeling bad for wasting, the coffee and, time i spent making it with hope of waking up my dead brain.

Phew! Honestly i don’t have anything to say. I am a twisted soul with one good thing about me i don’t like to talk nice things about me. Kind of humble. So even if you do not want to vote for me, i would be so not okay okay I mean after all Im already So Awesome…

Superheroes

Guess which one is Little?

What do you think? Awesome? Or Awesome?