Nothing hugs you like a beautiful song, of course this goes out to those with relationship status single and no dog…!!!!
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Last night I slept at 5am and I don’t even know if I should say ‘last night’ because it was almost morning. I feel better, I should be feeling groggy but I feel good because I’m doing things that I like, Im keeping my mind busy thus no thinking.
Good thing, I worked on Jane Doe today and after I post I’m going back to the story. I have plans tomorrow but something is asking me to stay home and write. I don’t know if you know but I like ABBA, so today I’m listening to ABBA and Brandi Carlile. O how I wish I could just stay home like this every day, listen to music and write. No work, no Gotham.
Funny thing happened, my brother told me he might have had a breakup and I was like what happened. He said his girlfriend was angry that he doesn’t give her time and he was like ‘do girls really break up for that? I was just busy’. I was laughing because he was asking me. My friend calls me when she needs relationship advice and my brother discussing his break up (by the way there was no breakup, the girl was just angry and he thought they broke up)…strangely people find me on their radar when looking for advice. How? When did they see me in a relationship, leave alone a happy one. It was funny when I told him “yes brother, girls do get angry if you do not give them time”.
That’s why I think I can be great at relationships if I want to have one. Right now, I’m just involved with my stories, my music, my fiction and my issues. That’s the closet to having a relationship I’m right now.
I know I have Dominique and Jane Doe to complete but my mind is already thinking about another story concept. Just an idea that came to me yesterday but all I do is think and let it sit aside. I have to finish Jane Doe because I want to show it to my friends. Dominique is my personal project and won’t leave my eye sight so I can work on it at a slow pace too. Dominique is only for my eyes.
Today and tomorrow I will complete a major part of Jane Doe. I hope I end up wrapping it up soon and proudly show it to people around me.
From tomorrow I also plan to start with the workout thing, because I need to. My mind went all dark and twisty last week scaring me. I think I’m awesome but I also know I have tendency of being a moron.
Sometimes I try to talk myself out of the weird state of doubts settled on me, like an algae that has gone bad. I would like to believe that I’m good at what I do, that irrespective of not being happy about working where I do; I do a hell of a good job.
I try to tell myself, that if I stop doing what I do people will have problems and maybe my non-working state will affect, a little but will affect, the task because i work hard. Why do i do that? Because I want to tell myself that it’s okay to not have the strength to find what’s right for you. I try to tell myself that if I cannot get up and walk out of my misery, because I think I’m not good, I’m still an important person in my current land of work. Sometimes when we complete a project, I tell myself “I played an important part in that and that I handled my part very nicely”.
This isn’t just about my job, where I often tell myself that “You are doing a good job”, “see, you are hardworking”, “your team knows how much efforts you put in”, “people who work with you, like you”. I do the same ritual in every day of my life. Narcissist? Maybe, but what else can you do if you know you are a wrecked ship going down and no one else is seeing you, stopping you or even trying to save you. When no one knows you need to be rescued, you try to do it in your own way.
Few years back, I was in a bad state…worse than this because I was too young to handle things. Now, I’m back to what I was then, only this time I’m not a 20-something college pass out. Let me tell a secret, I think I’m a good person and I have all the right to be happy. So, if I’m in tears and something is tearing me apart, I will tell myself “feck the rules, let’s go and eat something good”, “I know it hurts, but hey do you know you have some money to buy books”, “so what if you think people will hate you, you just bought a homeless kid a sandwich..See? You are not that bad”, “You are awesome”, etc , etc, etc.
O I can go on and on…I like to play a narcissist, fall in love with myself, do things to treat myself nice and tell myself that I’m a good person, that I try to help people where I can, that I work hard in my office and I deserve to spend foolishly on books, even if I don’t read them.
Today I was low, was wondering why I’m still working here (my office). So i told myself “you can quit anytime and get yourself something good, you just don’t want to leave because you have bigger battles to fight. You can quit whenever you want. But please wait”. I don’t know if that was meant to make myself happy or my boss…
I don’t know how many times i play this “you are an awesome person” game with myself…but if i don’t do this, i will not be able to stop myself from going back to being that dark- but-too-young -to-handle girl, i was once.
“No im not taking alcohol, its just brandy and i’m not feeling well..”
I aint sad, but i aint okay
Today i wasn’t in a good mood, no i wasn’t sad…it’s hard to explain, but i don’t think i was sad or unhappy. Have you ever had a day where you are upset, angry but not sad? Yes that’s what i was; i was irritated, angry and pissed. But, i wasn’t angry on any particular person or particular thing, i was just angry. I was so uninterested at what i was doing, i wanted to take a walk, get some fresh air and feel anything else but anger. Plus point of being sad is that you cry and it goes away, for some time, but anger doesn’t go.
So what do you do? You avoid people, everyone. You avoid talking, to everyone. I was once a girl who took pride in never having a temper, because i was too busy to prove myself as the “nice girl”. Today am an angry young women, with a temper that surprises me more than it affects others.
Of course you know me, I’m Spiderman
Sometimes i think people don’t know me but they just think they do. How well do you know me?
This is one question i would like to get printed on a t-shirt and wear it to wherever i go, even in my dreams… if possible. Sometimes i wonder why people think they know me, why everyone knows what’s my problem and why I’m the only one who doesn’t understand it?
A large number of people in my life claim to know me know everything wrong with me. 80% think it’s because i don’t understand the need of acting like a grown up and be one, rest have their own theories. Funny, some even think i had a secret boyfriend and the break up screwed me. That one is nice though, makes me a mysterious women, but how true is it? Truth is only 1-2% of people in my life have some idea.
Note to the Author
Who does cycling in jammies? Seriously? So i started with cycling today, because I needed to. Just needed it. But because i wasn’t prepared and it was just an impulsive decision, I couldn’t find the right cycling gear. So i went in my jammies. Wasn’t bad, only i was afraid that my PJs might get stuck in the cycle chain and i might end being a part of horrible television news.
Breaking news: Dumb blogger fell on face with her pajamas getting stuck in her cycle
Whoa! That doesn’t sound good.
For past few days I have been helping a friend of mine with her relationship issues, I give her advices on how to fix the current misunderstanding or fight with her friend cum boyfriend. This made me wonder why she even asks me. I should be the last person to go for any advice, specially relationship advice. Specially relationship advices.
Just because I like the idea of love and I write love poems doesn’t mean I know everything about love. Maybe I do but I just can’t explain it. Truth is sometimes when I hear people cry about a break up, a cheating partner, one side love story with the girl/guy not having the strength to confess the love or about couple fights over a matter they can’t agree on, I feel jealous. Yes I do. They say, a sad person is always jealous of a happy person sitting next to him/her. But in my case, I envy people with problems like I mentioned above. Because at least they can cry out loud, blame love, sulk all day and night without being judged, swear they will never fall in love and then fall again or simple just call a friend to ask for advice (like my friend does). The ability to cry openly and share makes me envy people.
For people like me to talk and share and cry out loud is a luxury I can’t afford. Only the voices in my head hear what I have to say and listen to my cribbing. I wish I was that girl who fell in love with someone but doesn’t know how to tell that person, I wish I was that girl who is angry at her partner for not giving her attention or that girl who thinks she just had a major fight with her boyfriend and feels that’s it over. I don’t know if by saying all this I put myself forward as a heartless or soulless person. Because I know I don’t even know the amount of pain people go through with a broken heart, it’s immense. I have seen my friends crying because of a bad relationship, a fight or break up with their partner or the helplessness of not letting the other person know you lover her/him. I have seen tears and maybe if I’m put in to that position I would probably not even be able take it for a day, but I still wonder how it feels to talk about it.
How it feels to cry and when someone asks you “what’s wrong?” you talk and share. I don’t have the liberty to tell a friend that I’m hurt and in pain and then get those “its okay” hugs. Because I don’t.